Something I can handle

My happiness is important to God ... Right?

"Hi..."

He turns around , with nothing but shock on his face .

He says my name .

I swoon .... that deep romantic rough voice that I listened for hours repeat my name over the phone ... was right here in person .. I couldn't handle it ... I had to mentally slap myself .

He rubbed the back of his head ....

" So you talked to your cousin huh ? "

" Yeah ... I talked to him every day though .."

" I mean you obviously talked to him if your talking to me now ." He seemed so confused
And vulnerable ... it was cute ... NO NO NO ITS NOT ! BAD GIRL YOU DONT LIKE HIM, HE BROKE YOUR HEART MADE YOU EMOTIONAL AND VULNERABLE !

" Yes I'm talking to you ... because he told me that you wanted to talk and I've decided I want to hear what you have to say ." I straightened my posture and hardened my face .

" Yeh I wanted to say ... that yes I'm hurt but you need to know I don't hate you ..... "

DID...HE DID NOT ... DID HE JUST SAY HE WAS HURT ? Why in the hell does he get to be hurt ! He wasn't the one who was told he couldn't be loved because of his insecurities ... he wasn't the one who stooped so low as to be willing to do anything to get someone to stay with him ....

Yet something in my heart wanted to excuse all that just so he would love me again ....

And you know that's exactly what I did.

" I'm sorry I think we both got hurt and handled things the wrong way ... but I want you to know I don't hate you either ."

Every bone in my body rattled like a snake because it knew that this was way wrong but my heart and flesh said do it ... if God loves you then your happiness matters ..right? .... This makes you happy and you wouldn't be here if it wasn't meant to be ....

I swear it was lucifer himself whispering those beautiful lies into my ear ....

He smiled at me .... that smile I hadn't seen since early eight grade .... it now being tenth grade , it had been almost three years ... and God did I miss it , just that grin made me week in the knees

He told me he wanted to meet up . so I said the library because me and my friend were studying there anyway so what's the harm in just meeting up I wasn't doing anything wrong ....

So that afternoon once the last bell rang for  school .
I called my mom and told her another half truth , full lie ..
I told her I was going to the library to study and that i would call her when I need her to come get me ....

________________________________

Lord , this was a hard journey .... and I strayed away from you ... and I'll apologize for that everyday .... I'm so sorry .... if I would have listened to you .... but God you are not surprised by what we do for you knew our name and who we were before being conceived in our mothers womb ... you knew I'd make this decision and you have me in the place where you want me to be .. I learned from my mistakes ... And I thank you for that

Amen , ally