Cat Café~ Pakunoda

Confession

Chapter 39

"Oh..." You blankly stared at her, not sure what to say. You felt like you had to choose your words carefully and not upset Pakunoda after she finally opened up to you.

"Are you afraid of me?" You were unable to read her expression but her eyes told you everything. She was the one afraid, afraid that the person she had grown to love so deeply would fear her, afraid that she had ruined what little trust you may have had for her.

"I- I'm not afraid.. I'm just finding the words to say.."

"I fucked up.." she turned away from you and ran her fingers through her hair. "I wasn't honest with you from the beginning.. I can't imagine how it would feel to find out the person you woke up to each morning is actually a murder.. I slept with you knowing what type of person I am." Her voice was laced with feelings of regret and failure.

Maybe you would have been more disturbed by what she had said if you didn't understand her so well.. what if your secrets weren't that different after all.

"Don't do that." You stepped closer to her. "Please don't regret sleeping with me, don't regret the time we spent together that would kill me." You raised your hand to touch her but she stepped away. "No please don't back away from me. You don't get to shut me out now!" You grabbed her clothing and turned her back around to face you a little more aggressively than you intended.

She looked at you stunned, not a clue of what to say next.

"Maybe I'm twisted but I don't have that every life is precious mentally. I'm not so righteous that I've never wished death upon anyone."

"Wishing death on someone and killing them with your own hands are two very different things." Her intense gaze felt as though it would burn through you any second.

"Paku.. I could never hate for killing someone.. not when I've done the same." You hesitated before saying that last part.

Her eyes widened, the room filling with silence. Both of you stood doing nothing as if you were locked in a trance.

"I'm sorry... what did you just say?" Her brows furrowed as she searched deep into your eyes for answers.

"I- I said I've done the same." Your eyes welled up with tears, feeling a mix of emotions the main one being guilt. "I was also keeping secrets from you yet I had the nerve to upset when you did the same-"

"That's not important." She interrupted you, stepping closer and placing her hand on the side of your face. "Y/n you killed someone??"

"I... oh god-" You quickly covered your mouth with both of your hands. You had never actually said it out loud, instead you pushed it to the back of your mind trying to brain wash yourself to forget the worst night of your life. This was something Pakunoda was never supposed to know. "Fuck I actually- I- I really killed him." The dam in your eyes finally burst, allowing a steady flow of tears to stream down your face.

Pakunoda grabbed onto your arm and pulled you into her embrace. "It's okay." She whispered as you felt your knees give out. Pakunoda held you and supported all of your weight so you wouldn't need to use the slightest bit of energy.

You had no idea how much time had passed, how long you had sobbed into Pakunoda's chest without another word being exchanged. She held onto you so tight, never letting you forget her presence.

Slowly she backed up against the wall, sliding down and pulling you on top of her lap. You wrapped your arms around her neck as you straddled her, moving your head to the side and crying into her shoulder. You brushed your hand over her tear stained shirt where your head had just been.

"Your shirt is soaked now." Your breath hitched.

"It doesn't matter." She hugged you tighter making it physically impossible to get closer. "Nothing matters."

"I love you. I could never not love you." Your sentence was shaky and you were still trying to catch your breath but she understood.

"I love you y/n, nothing can change that." She had a lot more to say but kept it simple and comforting. "It must have hard trying to bear this wight all on your own." You nodded your head in response. "I'll carry any burden you have with you, let me take a load off of your shoulders. You can tell me what happened, you're safe with me."

"I want to tell you, I just- I just can't bring myself to say it I- I can't say it- if I say it then it's real and it can't be real.. I don't want to believe it.. it can't be real it just can't!" You cried harder, gripping the fabric she was wearing.

"It's okay." She hugged you and rubbed your back in an attempt to comfort you. "If you could tell me without having to actually say anything out loud would you do it?"

"Yes." You nodded your head but unfortunately that would be impossible, you truly did want to open up to her but it was too much for you say. You just wanted someone else to share this guilt with. You had been carrying so much weight all this time it's a miracle you weren't crushed to death. You wanted so badly to utter the words but it was like a compelling force was holding them in.

"Y/n do you trust me?"

"Of course." You whispered into her neck.

"Do you give me permission to see inside your memories?"

You didn't understand what she meant but you also didn't care. You would give her permission to do anything at this point. You wished your could just melt into her and become one, carrying the weight of both your traumas together.

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to hide? Once I do this there's no going back."

"I don't want to hide anything from you anymore."

"Okay. I'm going to ask you a question." She placed her hand on the side of your face looking deep into your eyes. "Y/n, what happened before you met me?" She placed her lips on yours, the contact sending a rush of all your memories into her. She was overwhelmed with the flood of your experiences, seeing the constant abuse that finally sent you into a blinded murderous rage. She parted from the kiss and dropped her head onto your shoulder, now it was her tears filling the fabric of your shirt.

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You blinked multiple times to wake your eyes up faster, your vision was hazy and you felt groggy, confused as to where exactly you were. You looked down to see that your were seated in Pakunoda's lap, looking up at her face as she slept peacefully up against the wall.

'That can't be good for her back.' You stretched your arms up feeling just how stiff your neck had become after sleeping in such a position.

You thought Pakunoda would awaken from your movements but to your surprise she continued to sleep. You placed your head on her chest wishing to know what went down in her dreams.

Pakunoda of The Phantom Troupe, a thief and a killer but first and foremost she was your lover, someone who you loved unconditionally. Nothing she could do would ever change that.

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A/n
Surpriseeeeeee👹
A lot was left unsaid but looks like y/n and Pakunoda aren't so different after all... Heeheeee