fuckboy

from a distance

everything i had dreamed of since i started hogwarts had just happened.

obviously, i hadn't dreamt of the sex at age 11, but it was definitely a bonus.

i just lay there.

and for the first time in a long time, my head was empty.

no thoughts were rushing about like they usually were, i wasn't stressed about anything, and i finally felt like all of the years i spent looking from a distance had payed off.

i had all i'd ever wanted.

i had mattheo.

i kept turning round to check he was definitely there, and that i hadn't just fantasised the whole thing, but every time i turned over, he was laying there, deep in sleep, dreaming about drugs or something.

slowly, i also fell asleep, although my dreams were probably a lot less interesting.

                                        •••

god, i'm in deep shit.

i held bella closer than ever that night.

i felt every inch of her against me.

she felt beautiful.

she intertwined her fingers with mine, turning to face me.

she looked into my eyes, then at my mouth, then back at my eyes before planting a kiss on my lips.

she ran her hands through my hair before pulling away and nestling her head into me.

the shit has never been deeper.

she kissed me once.

once.

one kiss from her made me feel like i never had before, like i'd never shut up about her until she had to kiss me again just to make me stop talking about her.

how does she do that?

every one of her breaths on my arm helped me fall asleep a little quicker.

my only problem was that never had i once stayed with a girl.

i say it's because i just like having options, but it's because really i'm scared that i'll end up like my dad, or i'll just end up hurting them.

if i allow myself to fall in love with her even more than i already am, we'd both just end up hurt.

i wasn't going to let her get hurt.

but if i'm not prepared for her to be hurt, then she can't be with me.

i want that even less.

                                      •••

i fully forgot about Finn.

i left him at the party.

i mean i told him i was leaving, but still, i didn't give him a reason or even tell him to talk to me soon.

i know, i know.

how could i even be thinking about him at a time like this, but he's actually genuinely nice.

for now anyway.

i'll talk to him later, but first i have to speak to valerie.

when i left, her and blaise were being lovebirds as per usual so i'm sure she didn't even notice.

"hey val" i said as she walked into the room after obviously getting back from the slytherin common room.

"hey bella, should have told me we had guests." she smiled, gesturing toward theo, who was still asleep.

"shut up."

"obviously a busy night for you, Finn asked where you went."

"don't make me feel worse about that than i already do."

she softened her tone, "i'm just saying bella, he seems nice, and i'm sure he's a lot less likely to break your heart than mr riddle over there."

"no it's so bad, i can't stay away from him, i've tried and you can guess how that ended"

"yeah, you fucked."

"oh my god, what gave it away sherlock," i asked her sarcastically before getting up, getting dressed and going to find Finn.

obviously, not before finishing all eight pieces of homework i had to do.

weirdly enough, me and mattheo hadn't spent last night reciting the ingredients of a felix felices.

what a surprise.