fuckboy

typical

i'd been staring at that letter for an hour, re-reading it over and over to make sure i wasn't mistaken.

i tried to write a letter back, but my mind was blank.

i had to see him.

even if it was just one more time, i needed to see him.

i walked to the library, still holding the letter in my hand.

he heard me coming in and turned around, "you came."

"you told me to."

he smiled  and walked over to me.

i looked up at him, and it made me feel twelve again, looking at him and wanting nothing more than to be with him.

"bella i can't love you."

it was silent.

"i know you can't," i replied, trying to talk quietly to hide the disappointment in my voice.

i wasn't disappointed in him, but in myself for letting me think i would be able to stay with him.

"but i can't lose this bell," he looked to his feet, "i can't lose you."

he turned and walked over to a shelf of books and sat, leaning against them.

i followed, and sat opposite him, he was still looking down, avoiding eye contact.

"i don't want to lose you either theo."

he looked back up at me and i was back in the hallway by the dungeon on the first day of the year, talking to him properly for the first time.

so much had changed since then.

a light flickered over us and we were both just sat in silence again.

"i can't believe that five months ago i had no idea you existed."

i couldn't believe that he even knew i existed now.

"things are going to be so different without you bella."

"you've always been part of my life theo, i've only been in yours for like two months."

"two months is a long time for me bell."

he wasn't wrong, his longest relationship was 8 weeks on and off with maya.

"i'm going to miss you being there." his voice was quiet, and as i looked at him closer, i could see he was sad.

i was surprised he cared this much.

i gave him his letter back, "there you go."

he took it but didn't say anything, and there was another silence.

"i'm such an idiot." he leant his head against the bookcase, sighing.

"you're not an idiot mattheo."

he was a little bit.

he moved over and sat beside me, and nudged me to put my head on his shoulder.

"i'm sorry bella, i'm so so sorry."

"don't be. you've done nothing wrong."

"but now it's going to go back to how it was before you, i'm going to be the fuckboy, and teachers will hate again me for banging their wives."

i laughed, he'd probably done worse.

"you'll be the same Bell, finn will love you better than i can."

i'm sorry, 'better than i can' ?!

"you love me?"

"of course i do."

"and you had to tell me now?"

"what do you mean bella?"

"it's just typical that you'll realise you love me five years after i started to love you, and now nothing even going to happen."

"what the fuck do you mean, typical?"

"forget it."

i had to move on.