nicotine [unhealthy desires 2]

03

- Matty -

George didn't tell me where we were going, since I didn't ask. But when I did, he said we were picking up Lynn and then we'll go to Starbucks or some shit.

Again. Coffee.

Lynn was one of our friends here, the way I got to know her was one of the weirdest things that don't happen everyday. I found her at 4am in just a white tee in the cold weather in front of our neighbour's door. She wasn't crying or anything, she was just sitting there, silently freezing to death.

I was awake and I was too bored of the house to stay in it. So I decided that day to get up and do anything, I didn't know what exactly I was going to do, but getting out of the apartment was a step forward. And that was it, she was there and so was I, being the gentleman that I am, I offered her my jacket because obviously her goosebumps didn't exactly say that she was okay.

She said she got into a huge fight with Zeke, who was the neighbor who let her stay on his door at dawn. He was his friend, just a friend. Since she was gay anyway, she told me not to tell anyone, and I didn't, but it was too obvious anyway. So yeah, she was supposed to be staying over at his but they had a fight, she never mentioned what about, though. And I never bothered to ask. But he hangs with us sometimes, and he's nice.

Lynn, now, looked like hell. Her hair messy and her make up smeared all over her face, she looked different, but I didn't say anything. I wasn't in the mood to speak. She got in the car and George drove straight to Starbucks. I only had a blueberry muffin and a bottle of water, still not sure about coffee for now. I wanted to feel bitter, but the bitterness of coffee was always something I craved. So I tried to take that away from myself. Coffee was her favourite, not tea, just coffee.

I remember the day I offered her tea at my house because I didn't have any coffee at my house and I want to smack my own head. I shouldn't be remembering her since I was the one to choose leaving, I should be forgetting her. George and Lynn kept talking about that guy she slept with last night and how wild things turned out this time, I was only half listening.

I was still thinking about Leila, and how slowly she used to speak, and her breathtaking accent that made me too unfocused to get what she's saying. She wasn't anything like Lynn. She was softer, with me at least. Lynn was strong and acted like she could take anything, like a guy. But I don't know if it's just a mask or if it's really her. We're not that close anyway. I forced myself to take a bite of my muffin, I had to eat something to change the taste of my mouth. I realized that I forgot my cigarettes, I cursed under my breath for forgetting.

"What's wrong?" George asked, but I don't think he was concerned, or maybe he was, I don't know. I guess I'm too confused with myself to get anything.

"Nothing," I said getting up, "I'll be back." I said, I only meant to go and buy cigarettes from the market nearby, but I already wasn't too keen on their company and I found myself walking home, with the image of her clouding the thoughts in my brain.

I kept thinking about running into her, casually in the street or at a coffee shop, and she'd come and say hi and ask about how was I doing and if my friends are well, like any other normal people. But that couldn't happen. One, because she will not come here, for me or any other reason, two, because we weren't any normal, she would never say hi because three, the last time I left her she was miserable and unconscious, and it's all my fault.

I keep reminiscing the limited time we spent together. I don't know why because again, it was my decision wasn't it? It's just that I'm not sure if I made the right one anymore. And it's not like the moments we had together was nights of heaven, but the opposite actually.

The days we had only included of my unceasing moodiness and my continuous paranoia. I'm problematic and sickly afflicted to my bones.

And I can't help it.

I need to change. I have to. Because if I want her back, if I want to be in an actual real relationship, I need to be anything but my pathetic self.

hola amigos, I tried to make this long but 50% idk and 50% idc.. lol

anywayy tell me whatcha think about this lovely guys and gals

it's basically 8 am and I haven't slept and my life sucks and Im craving donuts
uUuUgGgGgGgHhHhH

song: piledriver waltz by alex turner

thanks for reading you guysss
-sam