nicotine [unhealthy desires 2]

20

- Leila -

This time everything didn't go black like I've expected, like every other time I've received news from Matty, then again, this wasn't any news. He loved me. And I had absolutely no idea what to do. I only was completely frozen in place as he said the three words I never thought his tongue would speak. 

I never really thought about love. Or if I love Matty. Or if he could love me.

It all happened so quick, it was the excitement, the chase, the rush and the abnormality and unfamiliarity of anyone like him in my life. It was new to me.

Everything he did, his way of living, the way he dresses, the way he gets moody out of nowhere. Somehow between all of this I was attracted to him. But I never thought about loving him.

And I'm not sure if he's just saying those words to fill the empty void or because he means it, but I'm not sure I'm someone that's capable of loving or being loved.

Love is like a foreign language I cannot understand or distinguish. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to learn after all this time of sulking and self destruction.

"Okay." I said to him, I couldn't say anything in return. Not now at least. I patted his shoulder blades then smiled, and moved past him to Zeke's room like nothing ever happened. Like it was no big deal.

The thing is, I was good at pretending and hiding things if I wanted to, my emotions weren't something I'm comfortable sharing with the world.

I didn't look back once I was in the room, Zeke silently followed, leaving Matty alone in the corridor by himself.

"So-" Zeke was about to talk, and he was probably going to comment about what has just happened so I saved his attempt and cut him off.

"So I need pizza. Pineapple topping." I ordered him, he starred at me for a couple of seconds until he actually comprehended what I was saying and he picked up his phone to call for pizza delivery.

I sat on the bed under the covers as I listened to him give information on the phone. Zeke had this calm voice, smooth like silk. He just seemed so.. steady.

He came and sat next to me.

"Do you want to talk about this?" he asked softly, I turned my head to look at him, his eyes blue skies, his lips pink as wine, his hair white as clouds or cotton. He was breathtaking.

I slowly nodded my head, but I didn't know what I wanted to say exactly. But I think it was good to talk, I think maybe it'd make me feel better.

The conversation has drifted from the topic of Matty to random things like how the light was kind of dark in the room but both of us were too lazy to get up and adjust it, how the sky was cloudless and that it bothered me. I couldn't tell where this was going to be honest. But it was nice to talk to someone so easily, without thinking about things to say in the moments of awkwardness.

"Can I stay, today too?" I asked Zeke, I wasn't sure if he minded, I mean, he didn't exactly complain but I was just making sure.

"You can stay for life and I wouldn't complain, my darling." he said yawning, I giggled at his words and murmured a thank you.

We both were heading to bed, closing the lights and changing to something comfortable, he gave me a pair of his boxer briefs and another shirt of his silently without even me asking. I got into the bathroom to change, when I returned I found him already in bed, shirtless and saving me a spot next to him, with only a lamp lit on the bedside table.

I slid under the covers beside him, then he turned off the lamp, there was no light now, except for the sparks of light outside the window. He was lying on his right side, his face towards me, while I on my back, he was not touching me, there was about five inches between us, I wasn't sure but it was obvious that he was giving me my space, trying not to make me uncomfortable.

But I closed this useless distance and brought my body to his, cuddling with his body, he easily gave in, holding me by the waist, his huge frame embracing my petite one.

My eyes closed before I could even think of anything, and I fell asleep in his tight, warm grasp.