SOLACE (condensed version)

2007

FEBRUARY

Andy and I have been emailing one another back and forth all day. It's moved from normal chatting, to deep and meaningful. I re read the last email he sent.

I don't know. Don't you ever get sick of being yourself? So many people fucking hate me for who I am, and half of them don't even know me, they just know other people hate me and they go along with it. Maybe it's better to just act like the rest of the dickheads I know. Being myself pretty much equates to being treated like dirt. And I know it sounds weird, but it would be so much easier to just NOT be myself.

Like it actually takes effort for me to get up every day and just be me. Every day I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to just giving up and acting the way that is 'good' in everyone else's opinion. But then on the other hand, I'm kind of like, fuck you all – you can't hurt me and neither can your opinions of me.

But that side of me is starting to feel like it's never gonna win. They can hurt me. They do hurt me. Every day I'm told I'm a piece of shit, and I get in fights all the time because people just want to fucking push me until I break. – Andy

I really struggle to understand how anyone can hate Andy. He's only an asshole to people because he knows they'll be an asshole to him before they ever give him a chance. I begin to type.

If you're going to listen to someone's opinion, listen to mine Andy. You are such a good, genuine person and you have a lot of respect for others, even when they don't always respect you. You are... I don't even know how to explain it right... words cannot describe how much of a good person you are.

You are always there for your friends, and you always listen to my shit, and you always try to help people through their problems even when you're going through your own problems. Nothing can amount to qualities like that. Not popularity, not money, nothing.

You are the bravest person I have ever met, and I look up to you. Your kind of personality is so hard to find these days, but I'm lucky enough to be able to call you my best friend. And I value that, a lot. You're one of a kind Andy, please PLEASE don't let any dumb people change that. It's selfish of me to want you to stay the same, but I don't care.

You... I don't know... you always just have this air about you, like nothing could ever hurt you. It's like when I see you, I see your soul within. I know that sounds lame, but I really don't care. I see your smile, and your presence and the promise of everything you have to offer the world. Yeah, my opinion is long, leave me alone. I'm not finished yet.

The air about you, your soul, your aura, whatever you want to call it; deep within you is so strong. Remember that book we had to read last year, my favourite book?

You remind me of Webb, when Taylor is describing him and says: "He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and it's not about his face, but the life force I can see in him. Like he's saying 'here I am world, are you ready for so much passion and beauty and goodness and love and every other word that should be in the definition of the word life?'"

If you give up on yourself Andy, then all of that will go. And oh my god it's selfish but I don't want that to go, for my sake and for your sake. It makes you who you are. That's my opinion, and as I said before, I'm selfish. So I want you to listen to it, not anyone else's, and never forget it. – Alex

He responds a minute later.

Shit, Lex. I can't believe you can just quote books, word for word, you're so nerdy! I never ended up reading that book, by the way. I get what you mean though, but I dunno. I have PE now so can't talk for a bit. But I'll keep what you said in mind. Meet me at the park after school and I'll walk you home. – Andy