SOLACE (condensed version)

2016

FEBRUARY

This is the first time in over a year that we've been to the park. I feel like a younger, more free version of myself as we sit on the swings. I sway back and forth on the swing, slowly enough that I can put my feet down and stop quickly if needed. The rocking motion gives me an adrenaline rush.

Andys holding the folded sheets of paper, frowning at them. He says "so, this is the next step? You write him a letter, and then it's up to him whether or not it goes further?"

"sort of," I reply, "Carolyn has contacted him already, and explained what she does.
She said he sounded pretty eager to give it a shot. And now I give him a few letters: one from me, one from mum, one from dad, and one from Anna. To help paint a picture of what he's done to me. Then if he's willing, we will have a meeting and discuss what is in in my letter and see if we can come to an agreement that we're all happy with. And then, I get to move on"

"and this is your letter?" I nod. "where are the other letters?"

I shrug, and look away. The letters written by my family break my heart. I had no idea how much they had suffered, by watching me suffer. I don't want to share them.

Andy begins to read aloud:
Sam. I know you well enough to be sure that you know what you did to me on Christmas Eve in 2012. I know you well enough to be sure that you know what you did to me is wrong. But I also know you well enough to be sure that you never meant to hurt me in the way that you did.

But you did hurt me. A lot. And despite the fact many lines were crossed throughout our friendship prior to this; I'm sure you know in hindsight that you crossed a line you never should have crossed on that night.

Once upon a time, we were close friends. And once upon a time, we forgave each other, no matter what.

I want you to know that after almost four years, I finally forgive you.

But it has taken me SO long to get to this stage of forgiveness. I have been so close to losing everything – my friends, my family, my freedom, my life. But for my benefit (as impossible as it felt to do) and for your benefit (we both know who my family would blame if I took the easy way out) I stayed strong. Through the loss of friends and family, through the loss of my own sanity and safety; impossibly, I battled my way through to recovery.

I stayed strong, because despite what you did to me, I knew that I couldn't put you or my family through the pain if I decided to do something to myself. I have enough respect for you as a person, despite everything, to not put you through that: to put you through the irreversible damage of me doing something to myself. But believe me, I did think about it.

How can I NOT think about it? With every breath I take, I'm torn between the fear that this breath will be my last, but also the fear that this breath won't be my last, and it will only make me survive even longer in a world that you've forced me to learn is not beautiful; but hard, scary, challenging, life threatening?

As well as I know you, you know me too.

Therefore, you know how much I expect justice to be served in these situations. You know how strongly I am against violence, especially against women, especially of a sexual nature. You made me feel used, worthless, damaged, and dirty. When I woke up to you that night, you told me it was okay, that it was Christmas. That this could be your Christmas Gift.

Nothing about that night was okay. I haven't been okay since, despite how hard I've tried. I've been counselled, I've seen psychologists, doctors, psychiatrists, police, legal aides. I've called helplines. I've been medicating, meditating, sedating, for so long. I've been hospitalised. I've been too scared to eat, sleep, or breathe in so long.