SOLACE (condensed version)

2017

JANUARY
We're at Andys childhood home, in his bedroom. We found Andys old DVD collection – and one of them is of our year six school play. It is hysterical, adorable, and cringeworthy all at once. We spend the day looking at his old yearbooks, listening to our old favourite songs, and watching our old favourite movies.

The nostalgia transports me back to a simpler time, a time when the biggest issue we had was who had a crush on who, or friends moving schools.

I look over at my best friend at the same time he looks over at me.

We smile, we know we're thinking the exact same thing – what we wouldn't give to go back and live a day as our younger selves. I snuggle up against Andy as we watch Stand By Me, and he holds me tight.

I feel his arms slacken as he falls asleep, his breathing smooth and even. I time my breaths with his, and nestled against his chest like this, I can hear his heartbeat.

This heart, and the mind and soul that goes with it, belongs to my best friend, the best person I've ever met. How lucky I am, to know a man like Andy I think to myself as I, too, drift off to sleep, smiling.

MARCH
Another dreaded phone call, this time from Eve. Ollie has died. He leaves behind a fiancé, a family, and countless friends.

Jane doesn't know yet, and I start dialling her number. Ollie and Jane were closer to each other than anyone else. She's on the freeway, driving home from work. She asks me why I'm crying, and I tell her to pull over.

"I can't, Alex. I can't just pull over on the freeway."

"Jane, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't necessary. You know me."

"Oh shit, it's one of those phone calls, isn't it?" I hear horns as she veers off the freeway, and the clicking of her hazard lights going on and off. She takes a deep breath, and shakily asks me "Who?"

The tears fall harder down my face as I say Ollie's name.

The sound she makes reminds me of the sound I made, all those years ago when I first visited the place where Sophie died. It's the sound of defeat, the sound of realising that part of you has died with the person. I put her on speakerphone so I can message her sister as I try to console Jane.

Jane needs you. She's safe, but she's not okay. – Alex

Jane is hyperventilating and I'm trying to remind her how to breathe but I soon realise I'm hyperventilating too and that right now it's the blind leading the fucking blind as we try to remember every self-soothing technique we learnt in hospital.

Her sister is calling her, she says. I tell her to call me if she needs anything at all, at any time.

I need Andy I think to myself, and I start to walk towards his house.

I'm halfway there when I remember he moved out of his family home ages ago. Instead, I walk to the park, and send a message saying I need him. He arrives within 15 minutes.

MAY
I need you – Andy

Are you okay? – Alex

No – Andy

Are you alive? – Alex

Yes, come here – Andy

Where are you? – Alex

Mine. Nathan's not here. Can you come over? – Andy

Twenty mins- Alex

I tell my boss I feel sick and need to go home. I feel bad lying to him, but Andy comes first; always.