SOLACE (condensed version)

2018

JANUARY
Andy was waiting for me outside my psych appointment today. It was such a shock to see him, sitting by the bus stop and staring my way. I beam and start to walk towards him, but when I notice his shoulders are hunched, I pause. He surreptitiously pats the spot next to him at the bus stop, and I head over to him.

"Shit, Lex" he tells me, "Fuck, I have missed you.'

As much as I want to clutch him and never let go, I restrain myself. "I miss you too" I tell him, staring straight ahead.

I hesitate for a moment, before speaking up. "I kind of thought after that shit before Christmas, we could start to hang out more again."

Andy makes a pained noise before speaking. "Soon, Lex. I'm so sorry for all of this. I can't tell you much, but I can tell you I'm clean and living back at home with my parents. I've rented a place out that's super cheap but I never stay there. This shit is fucked, and I can't tell you anything yet, but I will. Soon. I promise that soon, I'll tell you everything. But for now just know that I fucking miss you."

I pretend to check my watch, simply so that my arm can brush against his.

"Andy, you're scaring the shit out of me. I love you and I miss you too, but I'm so scared for you. What the fuck is going on?"
Andy shrugs, before saying "Lex, you know I'm doing this for your own good just as much as mine. I can't tell you anything. It fucking kills me how much I miss you, but I will never put you at risk."

"Andy..."

"I know Lex. I'll stay in touch a little more, but I still need to be careful." He gets up and walks away.

MARCH
I think vaguely of messaging Andy. I pull out my phone and look at my contacts – I still have his old number saved as Andy, and the new number he calls me on is saved as Cherry Popper. He thought it was very funny indeed when he saved himself under that name in my phone. I grin despite myself at the memory of him doing that – at the bus stop after another psych appointment ages ago.

He has kept his word and has been calling and messaging me a lot more often, but is still always cryptic and weird. It's been a few months since I actually saw him, and the pain of not being able to see him in person is getting to me. There's nothing I'd like more than to sit out the couch with him, eat pizza and hang out. I miss him so much that I've been dreaming of him. I get out my phone, making up my mind. As I begin to type, I get a message. It's from his real, normal number, which surprises me.

Hey Lex. Just letting you know I'm going good and behaving. How are you going? – Andy

Hey you! I'm going well, can't complain! Feel like we haven't spoken in forever. Anything new with you? – Alex

Yeah, but we've gone longer without speaking I guess. Still feels like ages though. I've picked up more shifts at work, and started boxing. I have my first fight this weekend! – Andy

What's this?! A fight that is actually legal?! Never thought I'd see the day! – Alex

Fuck off. I told you I'm behaving! – Andy

This is true. By the way I had the fucking weirdest dream about you last night! – Alex
Ha! Tell me everything. I had a weird one too actually! – Andy

Well, we were dating – but it was like, awkward year five us. So we refused to be alone in the same room as each other, and later on you held my hand (slut!) and you showed me your room, where you had stolen pretty much every single bra I have ever owned, and a bunch of my gym tops. So, if you're obsessed with my bras and activewear you need to just come out and say it, you fucking weirdo. – Alex