SOLACE (condensed version)

2015

JANUARY
As soon as I'm home from hospital, I unpack my suitcase and I text Andy.

I'm home! – Alex

Awesome! You up for company? – Andy

Not yet, but soon. Maybe over the weekend? – Alex

Any day, any time, I'll be there. You know that – Andy

Love you. Can't wait to hear about what you've been up to since I saw you last. – Alex

Same shit, different day for me. What about you? Still writing? Love you too – Andy

Yeah, it was part of my treatment plan, had to write my dreams and memories and everything. I'll have to show you a few, some of them are so fucked you'll love them, you twisted prick! – Alex

Sounds like my cup of tea, let me know when you want me over and I'll be over – Andy

******
"Shit, Lex. That's a lot of paper! Is that all just stuff you wrote in the hospital?" Andy asks me. I start shifting through them, deciding which ones he should read. "yep, I was a busy little psycho! Here, try this one" I hand him a sheet

I'm walking towards the pub, the same pub I saw Sam at on that night. Anna and mum are with me too, we're going to get my head shaved so that my hair doesn't blow across my face.

Then Sam appears and he has a gun. He drags mum and Anna away from me and locks them in a room with him. I know I need to go in and save my family from him. I'm begging for him to let them go and he's laughing and he says "you were my world, and you destroyed what we had. Maybe I should destroy your world, too." and he points the gun at Annas head.

I scream and beg him not to hurt her, but he laughs even more. I say the only thing I can think of to stop him hurting my sister: I tell him I love him and want to be with him. And then he looks me in the eye and says "now I can die happy" and puts the gun to his head and I don't want Anna to see this so I jump and shield her face and body from Sam as he pulls the trigger and there's blood and bits of his brain and skull on me and the blood has spattered across my face and I'm trying to scream but no sound comes out and I'm covered in him. And I can feel his blood running down my face and then I wake up and the sweat on my face feels like his blood did and I'm gagging and so I get up and scrub my face clean but I know I can't fall back asleep tonight because it isn't safe, so I get up and I pace the hall, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until the rest of the ward wakes up.

Andy looks up at me. "Jesus, that is beyond fucked up. I don't think I can read another one" I take a small sip of my tea, ignoring the fact that I haven't pre-washed this cup and I only washed my hands twice before getting the teabag. Progress is torture, it seems.

"yeah, hasn't been the most fun in the world. But it's made me realise that so much of this was caused by him. I just didn't realise at the time that everything reminded me of him"

"I still want to kill him, by the way" Andy tells me seriously.

I put my hand over his before I say "I know. Me too, sometimes. But I think I'm finally ready to do something about it. I'm going to the police. I'm not sure when, but soon, definitely within the next year. I don't know if I want to press charges for sure, but I at least want a record of what he did."

"thank fuck, Lex. That promise has been the hardest fucking promise I have ever had to keep. But I stuck to it, I didn't interfere in any of this. But now that you're doing something about it, you know I'm there every step of the way with you. No matter how bad it gets. Promise me, you'll keep me up to date on this, and you won't ever shut me out like the way you did before you went to hospital."