Tainted Hearts (rewriting)

pain

"Oi, Elle!"

I forced my legs to stop as I waited for her to catch up to me. Amara had her eyes on me the entire meeting and I had a feeling she wanted talk, so I wasted no time in jumping out of my seat the second group was over. It was nothing against her, I just knew she wanted to question my behaviour and I couldn't brung myself to talk about it. Not today.

Despite my body telling me to keep moving, I turned around and met her eyes.

"Hey you got up so fast, I wanted to ask if you were up for some tea or something," she rushed out seeming a bit nervous.

I tugged at the ends of my jumper, "I'm not really in the mood for crowds or public places right now, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, we could go to my place or I could come to yours if it's closer."

I felt uncomfortable, I just really wanted to be alone and she must be able to tell. I don't know why she's trying so hard.

"Listen I know I might be coming off as pushy, but I get it. I can see what you're going through, I've been there so I know first hand that loneliness only makes the pain worse."

I didn't want to admit it but she was right. Every night I laid alone in bed the the loneliness would just eat my alive.

So I let her follow me home.

"I haven't really been in the mood to clean lately so don't mind the mess," I said cringing at the mountain of dishes in the sink and the blankets littered all over the floor.

She took off her shoes at the door and gave me the biggest grin imaginable, "Go take a long hot shower and I'll take of everything. Just trust me Elle."

I didn't have the energy to object or argue so I left her alone while I headed to the bathroom.

I pulled off each article of clothing one by one leaving them in a heap on the floor. I let the shower run for a bit to ensure the water had properly warmed up and then stepped inside. The shock of the steaming water kissing my skin made me jump in surprise, but I soon adjusted. I let the water run all over my skin and through my hair as well making it heavy.

Everything was just too much, it was as if all the memories I had worked so hard to bury had been washed up back to the surface. The pain was mental and physical. It made my heart ache with sorrow and my head pound in annoyance. I just wanted the world to stop, everything was moving so fast and I had no time to catch up.

My body sank to the floor of the tub and I had no control over the heavy sobs that erupted from my mouth. Everything hurt.

"Elle you okay in there?" Amara shouted as she banged on the door.

My mind couldn't comprehend her words or the situation, all I could do there was sit under the running water while the tears escaped my eyes.

"Elle! I'm going to come in, you're scaring me!"

The door swung open with a loud bang and I jumped when the curtains opened. Looking up into Amara's panicked eyes made me hug my legs even tighter to my body and I cried even harder.

She hurriedly turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around my body, "Elle look at me, please look at me."

She held my face in her hands rubbing her thumb against my cheek, "I'm here Elle. You're not alone."

I looked into her warm hazel eyes and found comfort in her compassion.

My brain never fully registered Amara's lips meeting mine, but they did and she was horrified when I sat there. Lifeless.

"I-I'm so sorry. That was the worse thing I could've done in this moment, it was selfish of me," she rambled as she stumbled to the other side of the bathroom trying to put as much distance between us as possible.

She gave me an apologetic look and then she left, just like that.

I sat there for who knows how long, cold and damp. I lost all sense of reality as I began to dissociate from myself. I wasn't me, just a hollow shell of my past existence.

And I was alone.