ImmediatelyWriting's One Shots

#62. Hoshiai No Sora) Shine Like The Sun

Summary: Yuu goes shopping before they head on a trip to Greece... but shopping for cute summer clothing doesn't come so easy when you don't feel comfortable in your own body.

Fandom: Hoshiai No Sora (Stars Align)
Ship: None
Genre: Non-Binary Acceptance Fic, Angst, Sweet

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Authorsnote:

Hey there!

Honestly, I just vaguely remember writing this at least half a year ago. I didn't post it at the time, because I think I wasn't pleased with it or maybe I was scared to post it. Maybe it was supposed to be much longer and it actually wasn't finished - I feel like it seems quite finished for a one-shot.
I don't quite know why I didn't post it.
But during a hurt for some unfinished fics I could, possibly, finish now that my immense writersblock is keeping me from having the motivation to start something new, I came across this. I read through it, rewrote a sentence or two, and decided that I liked it enough to post it.

I hope you'll like it ^^

~ Noa

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I hold my head low as I make my away towards the second floor of the clothing store. I feel like I'm not supposed be here, because I've been told my shopping area's downstairs, where the suits and jeans and sweatshirts are all gathered in massive sizes.

It's not that I don't enjoy wearing warm, big clothing, but most of the clothes down there don't appeal to me. It's partially because I'm too skinny fit into them properly; I've lost some weight over the years that passed since middle school, in hopes my waist would get a little narrower and hips would pop out just like they did with my sisters'. But instead of something miraculous like that happening to me, my ribs eventually started showing and clothes that formerly fit me became too large, just like everything in the men's department of my favorite store.

I pull the hood of my pastel blue hoodie over my head and stuff my hands in my pockets when the escalator raises me into the area of the floor that's filled with dresses, skirts and tank tops and jump suits that do come in my sizes. It's like a mini-heaven for me, even if I have to make sure none of the girls notice someone that looks an awful lot like an eighteen-year-old guy looking through the clothes that were specially designed for complimenting the feminine curves they all got naturally.

My heart is already racing, even though the stores aren't even that crowded in this part of town, and they're especially empty in the morning hours. But maybe that's what makes it even creepier.

They're just talking about the clothes. I tell myself when I hear two girls laughing; my sisters always do that too, because girls' clothes tend to have strange or bitchy text on it. It's not about me.

I walk past them with my head held low, and go straight to the summer clothing.

Dresses and skirts in all the colors of the rainbow await me. I'm stuck between a flowing, yellow dress with a belt and a light blue pattered skirt. I end up taking both to the changing rooms, since fitting extra clothes won't hurt; it'll only give me more options in the end.

Once I safely reach the changing rooms, I allow myself to breath. Here, in this closed off part of the store, I feel a little more at ease. It's because no one can see me.

I double check the lock to make sure the door won't accidently be opened by other customers, before I take off my hoodie and jeans. I manage to fit into the yellow, small sized dress with ease, which honestly concerns me more than I thought it would.

It's really time for me to gain some weight again, but that's pretty hard when you consider I can't even swallow my food when around my parents. The knowledge that they watch my each and every move, judging me about the way I like to pin back my hair with colorful bobby pins and that I cry at romance movies and even the way I hold my fork and chew my food is somehow offending them. All of that doesn't really help with feeling comfortable in my own skin.

The sound of the zipper closing, is accompanied by shivers running down my spine. I'm not sure if I actually want to see. What if it looks bad? What if I am once again disappointed by my appearance?

I take a deep breath and turn around to the mirror. Despite myself, I smile when I see the end result. My friends and sisters can say whatever they want about the weight I've lost, it does make me look better in a dress, even though I drown in my favorite sweaters and jeans by now.

I look at myself in the mirror, thinking about how I could dress this off with a sunflower pin in my hair and maybe some black eyeliner; I'll keep it casual, I don't want to give my friends a culture shock. Because even though I came out to all of them as a demi-girl, in a slightly tipsy moment during after our end-of-middle school celebration three years ago, they still have mainly seen me in men's clothing since then. And I don't mind walking around in them, don't get me wrong, but I wish for my boyfriend to finally see me in the type of clothes I feel most comfortable in; which are of course hoodies, sweatshirts and jeans, I cannot dismiss world's most comfortable clothing, just because I like the world to see me as more feminine. And of course, there's the glittery suit and tie I wore on our last day of high school this year, because Toma said I looked great in them and I can't disagree, are partially my clothing style. But I want them to acknowledge that colorful dresses and tops with skirts and make-up are me too. It's just that I cannot wear them around my parents.

I know exactly what they would say when they'd see me in these type of clothes. Mom would remind me once more that I'm a boy. This, I can deny with no doubt; I might not be a girl entirely either, but I cannot be more than twenty percent dude. I am well-aware of that by now. Dad would probably get furious, because I'm he still sees me as his only son; he'd already throw me out of the house if he found out that I have had a boyfriend for the entirety of high school.

Fortunately I won't have to deal with them for the entire next week.

Instead I'll look like and act like whomever I want; like the Yuu I am on the inside. And this sunny, yellow dress and that light blue skirt are definitely part of that.

I play with the skirt of the dress, making a short pirouette to see if it'll dance around my body, just in case I'm going to dance on our late nights out. It does, beautifully even, putting a smile on my face.

This is perfect. I think to myself as I admire myself in the tall mirror for the first time in months. Up to this moment it's only been about the negative things like the way my ribs show, or my narrow hips and broader shoulders, or my short hair that's being too curly and unruly instead of falling into nice fluffy bangs on the longer side. They're all things I don't like about myself.

I'm not going to let that get me down during our trip, because this wide-sleeved, poufy dress disguises most of these things, and my unruling curls can be hidden underneath the cap I bought to protect my head from the burning Greek sun. But I will not hide my face in the shadows like I normally do. Instead I'll let go of all of my uncertainties and allow myself to shine like the sun.