✅ My Sister's Problem

14. No Choice

"Hey sis!" I spun around on my seat, not expecting to hear a voice behind me. It was just Lindy standing in front of the curtain. I panicked for a second, wondering if she had seen me snuggling Lincoln, or caught a glimpse of my pacifier. But there was no risk of that. The bear was sitting on the corner of my desk, like always, and the paci was securely in its box in the drawer. I'd already changed for bed, taking a pull-up into the bathroom with me when I went to brush my teeth. I was still a little embarrassed about it, and didn't want Lindy to see me putting it on if she happened to twitch the curtain aside while I was changing. I had loose shorts over it as well, even though I probably didn't need an extra layer with the weather we'd been having. But sleeping in just a diaper seemed a little too babyish for me right now.

Somehow it was hard to remember that I was still a grown-up really. Pulling SleepSafe pants on, knowing there was a pacifier in reach, and sleeping with a bear; it was easy to imagine I was as young as Lindy, or even younger. I could be half my current age, with half the worries. Mum had got me thinking like that when she came home. She'd called me her little princess when I came in, and asked if I had fun at school. She asked about my lessons, like she had when we were little kids, and I did my best to tell her what we'd learned. I'd been so flustered by a wave of embarrassment that seemed to suppress all rational thought that I'd stuttered and mumbled my way through the vaguest, most confused explanation possible for our maths class. Yet Mum had told me I was so clever, and she was proud of me. The feelings were even more intense than in the morning, and I could see that she was laughing too. The whole night might have carried on like that, if we hadn't been interrupted by Lindy getting home. Her account of how she was feeling had been terse and uninformative, sharing the bare minimum with a parental figure, but Mum had taken it as a sign that I might want to act my age again.

Lindy had still noticed my smile, even when I did my best to act normal. Just like Nadine in the morning, she was sure that something wonderful must have happened, and she wanted a part of it. I couldn't tell her why I was so happy, because I didn't even understand it myself. But I knew that she wouldn't just let it drop, and I'd been half expecting an interrogation for the rest of the evening. Still, my worries about that weren't even close to overcoming the feelings of security, of being cared for, that Mum's condescending voice could easily fill me with. Even now, when Lindy should have been in bed already, my mind was still slightly dulled by whatever this feeling of joy was.

"Hi. Do you need help with something? We should be in bed soon."

"Right. But remember I still got that photo. You have to be nice to me. Mum doesn't know about that, does she?"

"No?" I answered, shaking my head. I wasn't really sure what she was getting at now, but I was sure that with the mention of that photo, it was something I wouldn't like. Although... thinking back to her previous demand, I didn't feel that intimidated and I even found a little chuckle at how easy this had been for me.

"Right. Well you laughed at me enough. You're the baby now. So you need to get changed."

"Huh?"

She held up a pack of pull-ups. One from her room, I assumed, as mine were right where I'd left them.

"I know Mum said you don't need to. You were just trying to make me go along with it, right? Pretending, telling me we're all in this together, and you're laughing at me behind my back. I saw you, with that stupid grin. It was just one time, it doesn't mean anything, you don't need to laugh at me."

"I wasn't laughing," I said. "Not at you. I just... it's not about you, I promise. I just found something that makes me happy, and I don't know why, and I don't even know how to explain it. I'm confused as hell, just feeling good about it."