✅ My Sister's Problem

23. Deliberation

The wind seemed to whistle as it blew through the trees, a faint whine that always seemed to be on the edge of hearing. Long grass tickled my legs, and seeds or pollen made little clouds in the air when I brushed close to some of the wildflowers. I could smell them for an instant, a rich mixture of different fragrances that overlaid the distinct smell of the woodland. It was so peaceful here, calm and relaxing. Everything was perfect.

I couldn't feel the heat of the sun under the thick canopy, but the breeze was pleasantly warm. I looked around me, and tried to pick out more details. I was turning around on the spot, trying to look in every direction at once, and for a moment I imagined myself as a dancer on a stage. I did a little twirl, feeling slightly giddy, and whirled between the tree trunks as I got carried away with that mental image. The scent in the air was stronger now, reminding me what a peaceful place this was, and how much I loved to explore here. There were other sounds as well, each one comforting in its own way. A faint hum beyond the hedges in the distance, which could have been the summer bees pollinating all the flowers, or might have been cars on a distant main road. A faint chatter of voices that I could only just make out indicated the direction of the camp. There was no way I could possibly get lost, so long as I had a voice to guide me back. I was safe. If I ever felt like I was adrift, I could focus on the voice that I was always aware of. It didn't matter what the voice was saying, I didn't need to think about the words; they were my lifeline, and for now they just reassured me so I could explore the woods at my leisure.

There was a closer sound too. Something I should check out. I spun closer, somehow not becoming dizzy, and found a fast-flowing stream that sparkled with a million highlights as the sun shone off it. I laughed and danced closer, watching the water move. It was so clear, and the bottom was a mosaic of pebbles in all different colours. So clean, so pure, so enticing. When I started looking at the pattern of the pebbles I could see lines, and spirals, and even a face, all using the same few stones. It just depends how you look at them, everything is personal. Everything is in your perception. I stepped closer and sat down on the bank, bunches of wildflowers tickling my arms as I dangled my bare feet in the water. It wasn't even cold; just warm and comfortable, flowing over my skin and reassuring me that everything was fine and I was safe here. The warm liquid felt so natural, and I knew that I could do whatever I wanted here. It just didn't matter, any movement I made would make me feel more safe, more comfortable.

I smiled at Lincoln, sitting on a tree stump on the far bank. He was here to support me too. He felt so soft and warm; his presence was a familiar feeling by now, so reassuring. I took a step towards him, and I was standing in the stream, feeling the water lap around my ankles. It felt so nice, and I took a minute to appreciate just how pleasant it was. Especially in the summer, when it might be hot, or in winter when a warm bath might take the chills away. So many pleasant memories were conjured up by the feeling of warm water flowing across my skin. Comfortable, relaxing, and so natural. I didn't need to worry about anything, I could allow myself to daydream. Like a child, so innocent, so free, lost in the worlds her imagination could conjure up.

And I could see her now; the child inside me. Sailing down the stream in a strange little boat that looked almost like a child's crib. She was holding a bear tight, and had a dozen other plushies around her. A pacifier in her mouth bobbed rhythmically as she sucked, not thinking about anything, just lying comfortably. Fast asleep. She looked so happy as she slept that I knew this was a good place for her to be. She was so safe, and we didn't have to worry about any kind of adult thoughts.

It didn't even seem strange to see myself as a child; or to be looking at me from the outside as her crib bobbed along. I just wanted her to feel so safe and comfortable, and for the fast-flowing water to carry all her worries away. So I stepped closer, and thought about how she could feel more like a child; more protected. I moved more of the toys into her arms, arranging a big group hug, and I could feel the warmth of all those cute and friendly faces surrounding me. She smiled even more, and I could feel the pure satisfaction as if it was radiating off me. I was on the right path, I knew. Help her to feel safe. Help her to feel helpless, so small that she didn't need to do anything for herself.