✅ My Sister's Problem

105. Little Sister

"We'll have to wait for Mom to get back to change you," Lindy said, and I beamed when I thought about Mommy taking care of me again. I couldn't wait. I didn't know why I was so excited, and in that moment I didn't even realise that I should have been offended by Lindy making me wet myself. I just felt giddy and small, and nothing else seemed to matter.

It could have been terrible. But I didn't realise that at the time. I didn't think about all the things that Lindy could have done to me, or how I should have felt about my control being taken away so easily. I was feeling small and childlike, and those were all things for the grown-ups to take care of for me. It was like all my critical thinking faculties were switched off for a moment. Ten minutes later, I was vaguely aware that all the spirals had made me feel like a little kid again, and that I could start to grow up and think better if I wanted to. But I wasn't feeling bad then, and I didn't know if there was anything for me to worry about. I knew that I would have to do what my big sister said, so it was easier for me to just stay feeling like a little kid and try to enjoy it. Maybe I didn't actually think about it in so much depth; maybe I wasn't thinking at all. But I didn't see any urgency to growing up again, so I just let it happen.

Lindy teased me, and laughed at me. She gave me toys, and ordered me to play like a baby. I could do that happily. She took pictures of me with her fancy new camera, and I grinned hugely when I noticed. She seemed so happy about seeing me like this, and I was having a lot of fun. She told me what a baby I was, and teased me about not begging for a diaper change, but I didn't really understand why I was supposed to be upset. By that point, confused and diving deeply into that childish mindset, I might not even have realised that I was wet. I was playing at being a baby, and it turned out to be a really fun game. And on some level I had realised now that whatever my sister did to me, I could avoid any bad feelings just by being young enough to enjoy the attention. I didn't even wonder about how this was making her feel.

After a while she didn't seem to care anymore. She was just watching me play with all the toys she'd got out for me, and telling me occasionally what a baby I was. To which I just nodded; there wasn't any reason to argue with something that was obviously true.

I might have noticed that Lindy wasn't happy. She wasn't smiling as much as she used to, and she didn't seem to want to play. But I was too young to think about any of that. It wasn't like the other stuff where I didn't care; I wanted my sister to be happy. But I didn't know what I could do or say to make any difference, and every time I tried to think about it the thoughts just slipped away until I didn't remember that there was something for me to deal with. And any time I started growing up a little so that I could understand these complex issues, I found that Lindy talking down to me like a little baby only made those feelings stronger. She kept on reminding me that I was just a baby, and there was nothing else that I needed to think about.

"Do you want to try a new game, baby?" Lindy asked, and lifted my phone off its charging cradle. "We can have a lot of fun if you're really that small."

I didn't really understand what she was saying; the longer I had been playing, the more my thoughts seemed to slip away. I looked up at her, more puzzled than concerned.

"There's a new game I want to show you. I saw it and I thought it would be perfect for you. A game, yes? With bunnies in. Okay? Just unlock your phone and I'll set it up for you."

I looked at the phone, and felt that my brain was trying to work again. There was something I needed to think about now, some big girl thought that I didn't want to lose. But it felt so good being a child, and I was reluctant to let all those big thoughts back. I could trust Lindy do do all the complicated thoughts, couldn't I? She was my big sister, and my babysitter, so I should listen to what she said. But somehow I still wasn't sure. I looked at the phone, and then at my sister again, and then back at the phone, trying to understand the grown-up thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.