Lost and Found - Bucky Barnes x OC

One Day At A Time

Bucky exhaled as he closed the door to Frankie's apartment for the second time that morning, he was still hard in his pants as he walked down the stairs. The kiss was slightly impulsive but he couldn't bear the tension any longer. He'd wanted to do it last night, but he'd fallen asleep as quickly as a toddler. 

Then again this morning, when he'd pulled the sheets away and her face beamed back at him bathed in the morning sun, he wasn't sure if the moment had passed and she may have been too caught off guard before she'd had a chance to wake up properly. Then again at breakfast, but the mood didn't feel right amongst the chatter and cold light of day. Sunday mornings felt like the worst possible time for first kisses. 

Really he should've done it last night at the garage, or in the apartment, or anywhere really. He had thought he'd missed his chance, hoping she'd kiss him first and show him he was wrong to hesitate, but she didn't. He had started to overthink it , questioning if this is what she wanted – if he'd made a mistake. He treated it as some sort of elaborate, strategic mission rather than the simplicity of a first kiss. Weighing up all of the risks and potential weaknesses. Habit of a lifetime, really.

As the apartment door closed that first time he had taken a few steps down the hall but couldn't go any further. After waiting a few minutes he'd turned around and knocked on the door again before he could talk himself out of it. Before he'd fully realised what was happening Francesca was there, and then she was in his arms, and then she was gyrating against him. It had been intoxicating, he'd wanted to take her fully right there against the apartment door. She had reciprocated too, with great enthusiasm. Good to have finally removed that question mark, then.

He thought about the glazed look of lust in her eyes when he'd pulled his mouth from her neck. How her hips had felt grinding against his. Again he considered rushing back and finishing what he'd started, but he had a therapy session booked and he always honoured his commitments.

Therapy had started with the usual, a bit of guilt here – some nightmares there. Then he decided to mention Frankie.

'I met someone' he said solemnly.

His therapist, Dr. Ward, nodded. 'That's good', she replied. 'How did you meet her?'

'She's a mechanic. She fixed my bike this week.' His lips curled into the beginning of a smile.

'Good. I know you've been finding online dating tough. Meeting someone organically is probably the right direction for you' replied Dr. Ward.

Bucky nodded.

'So what's she like?'

'A bit of a live wire. Pretty fiery. We mostly clashed before we kissed. Kinda still do' he smiled.

Dr Ward smiled back. 'There's a fine line between love and hate, so they say. And being challenged is no bad thing, James'.

Bucky nodded again, thinking fondly of Frankie squaring up to him in the garage, eyes blazing in defence of Freddie.

'And how much does she know about you?' asked Ward cautiously.

'She knows who I am' he replied.

Ward nodded and wrote a note in her pad. 'And how does she...feel about your past?'

Bucky shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 'I don't know. She said she understands it wasn't really me. But we haven't really spoken about it much'.

'Understandable. It's early days. People just want to have fun in the beginning, get to know each other. We all have our baggage, James'.

Bucky glared back 'Not quite like mine though, Doc'. His eyes dropped to the floor.

'Well, no' continued Dr Ward. 'But you are deserving of connection and love just like anyone else is'.

He didn't respond to that. He thought again of the look of fear in Frankie's eyes when she found out about his past.

'You understand that, don't you James?'

His blue eyes flicked up to meet hers. 'In theory, yes'.

She nodded. 'This is a journey – a marathon, not a sprint. Nobody is expecting you to have all the answers right away. But you should not deprive yourself of a chance of happiness. We are defined by what we do, not what we've done. Atoning does not mean a lifetime of flagellation, James'.

He nodded. He knew she was right on one level, but he still feel nagged by the shame of his past. Why should he be able to live his life, when he had deprived so many of living theirs?

And what about Frankie? Surely she deserved someone with a normal life. With a normal history. Not an old man who was constantly trying to put himself back together.

'Just take it a day at a time' continued Ward. 'Enjoy your time with your mechanic friend. Get to know each other. Enjoy those early days and the excitement of that. You deserve that much, James' she told him softly.

Bucky managed a half smile.

*

Back at his apartment after the session he pulled his phone out, trying to compose a message to Francesca.

Hey, Francesca. Did you have a good day? Nope, delete.

Hi Frankie. I can't stop thinking about our kiss No. Delete. Delete.

What's up? Winking emoji No. God no.

Maybe he should just call her? He was never great with the written word. He was still new to texting but he knew it created a lot of potential for confusion or ambiguity. But what would he say? He thought about how annoyed his younger self would be by this. Wooing and charming ladies used to be effortless for him. Now he couldn't even conjure up a single text. Although dating was a lot simpler in those days - communication was much more streamlined.

The truth was he couldn't stop thinking about her. About the kiss. He was anxious over how much she had taken over his thoughts these last few days. It was new to him after so long, scary.

And part of him was nervous about the prospect of potentially opening up to someone, of being intimate, vulnerable. It was daunting. Overwhelming.

One day at a time, he told himself, looking at the empty text message draft.

The afternoon bled into evening and the sun was down with him barely noticing. He'd given up on the potential text or phone call, resolving to try again tomorrow when his head was clearer. She wouldn't mind, right? He said he'd be in touch but he hadn't been. Then he felt arrogant even considering it. Frankie was independent and vibrant. She was probably out on the town, or on the dating apps again finding her next date. She'd scoff at the notion she was glued to her phone waiting for him to call.

He settled on the usual spot on his apartment floor in front of the TV. His bed was just too soft and he couldn't sleep in it. Frankie's bed had been the exception.

But sleep eluded him. He tossed and turned. He tried different positions, he tried warming up milk, he tried counting sheep. Nothing. It was like his brain had lost its off switch.

He thought of Frankie half asleep and moving in the bed to comfort him last night after his nightmare. Her arm around him, her mouth gently in his ear, how quickly it had settled him. He thought of the curve of her body under the sheets. Her heavy breathing after their kiss.

He sighed wearily, getting up to get his jacket – and stepping out into the night.