Kiss Me, Cole (Part 1) [IN EDITING ]

Anna (35)

"Kiska," sabi ni Cole bago sinapo ang pisngi ko, "quit staring at me with eyes like that. I'm not going anywhere."

Sa halip na lumayo, mas lalo ko pang ipinagduldulan ang pisngi ko sa palad niya. Natatawa naman niyang inalis ang keyboard mula sa kanyang kandungan, maingat na nilagay iyon sa kabilang desk , at inabot ang isa kong palad. Hinigit niya ako paupo sa kanya kapalit ng keyboard. Awtomatiko namang pumulupot ang mga braso ko sa leeg niya para tumulong sa pagsuporta sa akin at para matitigan ko pa rin siya.

He hugged me tight for a few seconds before pressing a soft kiss on my cheek and smiled at me gently. "I'm really okay now, baby. You don't have to be so worried anymore."

I wrinkled my nose when he said that, hugged him even tighter, and buried my nose in the crook of his neck. I inhaled deeply, allowing his scent to fill every crevice of loneliness within me.

"Alam ko," bulong ko. "You are strong."

"And going to get stronger."

Napangiti na ako sa tono niya. He sounded so exasperated with me. Naiinis na yata siya sa akin dahil hindi ako nakikinig kahit makailang ulit na niyang sinasabi sa akin na ayos lang siya.

That first few days after that night, para na rin akong si Theo na ang pangarap ay maging anino niya. Buntot ako nang buntot kahit saan. Kung puwede ngang tumira na rin ako sa Boys Dorm, ginawa ko na. Aagawan ko si Chris ng kama. Magdadala ako ng sleeping bag para doon siya at ako sa kama niya.

I knew that I had become suffocatingly clingy, but I just couldn't stop myself. Kakaiba na ang tingin sa akin ni Hazel at nang iba pang tao sa campus pero wala akong pakialam. Cole had to be careful for the both of us dahil ang gusto ko lang ay palaging nasa taba niya to cuddle and to kiss and I don't even care how I get it as long as I get it.

At this point, I can't care what people say. They did not see him that night. They did not see how the forever-calm-can conquer-the-world Cole cracked to the point that I was terrified he'll eventually crumble.

I can't have that. I can't have Cole Valentine Orizaga fall to pieces. If it could happen to someone who is as strong as him, what hope is there for me and Papa?

Nope. He will not come to that.

Isa talaga 'to sa maraming bagay na kinatatakutan ko sa buhay. Seeing another person fall to pieces in front of me again. The last time that happened, I was too young, too small, too naive to do anything about it. Kung mangyayari 'yo ulit, iyak lang ang ambag ko kung saka-sakali. Katulad nang dati.

Even now, I'm still not big enough yet to carry weight. I doubt that I'll ever reach that point of being big enough. Or even just enough. Kaya nga ako parang gamu-gamu na lapit ng lapit kay Cole. Baka sakaling mahawaan niya ako noong mga kulang sa akin. Hindi ko naisip na baka kabaliktaran ang mangyari, na siya ang mahawaan ng mga kakulangan ko. O maubos siya sa kakakuha ko para mapuno ako kahit panandalian lang.

That night woke me up. Hindi never-ending si Cole. And I've been very selfish.

Humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya sa huling isiping iyon.

He has this strange mental image of me being selfless.

Hindi 'yon totoo.

Siya ang selfless. Sila ni Papa. Ako, mapagpanggap lang. Gaya-gaya lang ako kay Papa dahil ang totoo, inside, I'm as self-centered and selfish as that other person whose blood runs in mine. I will try to fight my nature but who am I kidding?

Dalawang klase nang tao lang naman ang puwede ako maging —si Papa o siya. Sa totoo lang, in denial man ang Papa, I'm going to grow up like her. Nararamdaman ko iyon sa loob ko. Kapag nangyari iyon, hindi ako ang dapat niyang kasama. He's not going to turn into another Victor Amador.