The Way Life Goes!!: The making of "Alex"

ON THE INSIDE

Hey guys thank you so much for your support and for reading my story, my memoir, my journey, my experience. This chapter is part 2 of chapter "Locked Up" with more of an in depth version of what I was going through on the inside of the Clayton County Detention Center. I was reluctant on telling this part of the journey but if I didn't it would leave the story in a bit of a confused state. But bare with me I appreciate the support and I would love for you to share this, tell your friends.

May 2, 2021
Second day in the orientation ward room 1110, top floor 3rd room from the end.  I was already in my head on what I need to do to get out of that place; who to call for support, or even to talk to on the inside. My boyfriend(at the time; ex now) was in the jail with me but In different rooms, same section. They called the sections, Pods, and there were different parts of the jail as well that was technically "Ward Area #1" but they just called it "orientation". But within one ward there were 6 pods in each with 16 rooms in one, 2 "beds" in each room, 3 cellmates in each depending on how maxed out the pods were. While being in "orientation" there was a "house boy".......
      Side Note: At the time of my arrest the infamous Victor Hill was still in charge and everything was "PARA-MILITARY" style meaning everything was literally a reject military style detention center. Every bed had to be made before the guards came thru the door at 4am-6am to do roll call and to serve breakfast. Every end of the tissue had to be in a triangle shape, while the toilet needs to be cleaned, everything needs to be touched up and neat, and you need to be standing up out of bed facing the wall until they say "free" (like we was some damn dogs). Anytime ANY female guard or inmate was walking through the jail halls or walking past us we would have to stop, face the wall, and yell "FEMALE ON DECK". When any officer/sergeant/lieutenant/captain/sheriff/guard walk past, or enters your room/area/space we have to stand up face the wall or opposite way than the guard and say "Officer/Sergeant/lieutenant/captain/sheriff/guard ON DECK" while saluting as if we're in the military for real. Sometimes i felt like my character was being demeaned, I was shameful of myself, disappointed in myself for even allowing me to have to go through this to learn ANYTHING.
.......the "house boy" which is what he called himself....he been in there for a while he was really feeling the slave trade chile lol....... he took very special interest in me; In a way that makes the jail stories seem somewhat true but some different details were added and taken out. This is the moment I really started taking interest into reading people and figuring out peoples angles. He would give me his food, give me his snacks whenever he had any, come to my room and throw me a pack of peanut butter (trust me if you've ever been to jail you'd know why he threw me that pack of peanut butter) out of no where. I can't lie he had a lot of pull to be stuck in the orientation ward and still getting commissary AND they would open up my door for him and everything. I was kinda impressed but it was giving very much CREEP but of course I knew nothing about jail or what he was doing at the time. But when he really figured out I didn't know what was going on he didn't explain but he kinda asked if him doing what he was doing was okay. I ain't say shit i just shrugged. So after a of day of him being nice, being thru 3 cell mates who were bailed out(yes in just 1 day; they was not playing about staying in that place)....he came in after lunch and asked out of no where so bluntly....."can I eat your a** while they ain't looking real quick" in my head; after not having sex for a while(the way I like to have sex) I was just like "hell yea come eat ya dinner" in a joking way we both laughed and he came over and ate it a lil weird kinda felt like a somebody licking the envelope shut 🤣....SOOOO THEN he asked can I suck his d**k I said "🥴 mhmm mmm I don't do that, my ex in here with me in room 1106 you can ask him I barely even did it to him" (no shade devin but I did say that🤣🤦🏽‍♂️) He looks real irritated and says "come on man I ate your a** and I be giving you food" I didn't feel comfortable with doing it only cause HE WAS OLD AS OLD AS MY DAD (NO SHADE POPS🤣) ; I felt disgusted, felt like I was gonna throw up (this how I knew I could never be a prostitute🤣 cause chile I got standards and people over 30 is kind of turn off; some of them be sexy asf to be 30-35 Now I ain't even finna lie💯) . I didn't know him, didn't know what he was in for, didn't know what he would do if I said no again cause his facial expression's were a lil bit scary; even for me and I don't even get intimidated by people; so I went ahead and did a lil 3 head strokes and gagged and acted as if I was gonna throw up, he instantly left and went to do whatever he was SUPPOSED to be doing as the "house boy". I felt so disgusted and like I disrespected myself so much I had to make myself go to sleep.
Orientation for me was about a week but felt like two weeks. The guards were all a**holes they wouldn't tell you the time, wouldn't even get you towels, rags, soup, deodorant, or even an update with your court date or tell you if you had one or not. Everything was so toxic, loud, distracting, confusing, so different. I wasn't used to getting up in the middle of the night for breakfast while it was still dark and then still going back to sleep and not getting any other food until 11 or even 1pm in the afternoon because they felt like waiting to get to our pod and feed us.
On May 09, 2021 on a Sunday in the middle of the night while I was sleeping they came in and woke the whole pod up and said we were about to go to general population area. So they made us pack our stuff and wait in another pod so they can clean the pod for new inmates coming in. So while waiting and talking to one of the cell mates they called my name and said I was going to "Cell Block #6" so everyone looked at me not knowing some of these people are recurring jail returnees so they basically told me that cell block 6 was the worst one, basically the cell block for people with assault, felonies or violent charges. So I get down there everyone instantly stares and starts yelling as if I was walking down a red carpet, looking out they doors yelling "fresh meat" banging on the doors, laughing and talking shit. So I get to the pod which I'm in pod 3 room 311 AT FIRST. There were already two people In the pod, Dre & forgot the other one. Dre was the old head, old school vibe type person that would sit read books, play spades and be laid back. The other one; loud, up all night, always banging on the wall making beats and singing when he know he can't sing or rap or make a beat, have books but can not read for the love of god and to be 20 year old and have been in and out of jail 3 times when are you really gonna learn a lesson ya know? So while being in there for about 2 weeks I learned a lot from them about the jail system and that jail In particular. I wasn't oblivious to learning how it worked and to change how I acted around there but it was kind of a learning lesson to adapt In the places that you need to be adaptable in.
       Flashback: First day moving in to GEN POP I was out the room alone with the one other person who came in with me I was sitting down by the phones not knowing they have rules for the phones cause all I hear is "don't think you finna get that phone my boii I called first" I was just like oop you got it shawty lol . So I look over to room 308 and there's this dude with dreads looking real Rastafarian like....he was watching me but kinda reading at the same time trying not to make it seem as if he was reading me basically. I didn't know until after i was about to leave the jail on bond that he was actually trying to scope me out to see if I was number 1 gay and 2 one of those flamboyant gay people who try to flirt and be with everybody. And he didn't think i was so he told EVERYONE in the pod that I was off limits; nobody is to touch me; nobody is to talk to me; nobody is to throw me out(I physically seen them throw another gay flamboyant person out in the first 5 minutes of him being in the pod) the reasoning was because "I looked so young, scared, alone, and most importantly quiet, didn't come in there with high shoulders thinking I can beat everybody ass in here" so when I found that out I really knew I was highly blessed and highly favored because who would have known I would've had protection in jail from god! especially in a jail I know absolutely no one in. So after learning that the day of me leaving it had me go back in my brain and think about it all. And I put a lot of pieces together and I only knew it was the protection of god 🙌🏽 All I could say was thank you lord for getting me through these 2 1/2 months with me and my brain, nasty food, aggressive inmates, rude ass guards, people getting thrown from stairs, mental being challenged, nighas doing slight side
By the time I went to Gen Pop my bf was already bailed out by one of his family members with the help of a couple friends. When he got out I called EVERYDAY either 1 time a day or 2 times depending who was working in the guards area I would sneak out and get an extra call of course I had to sneak and be very discreet especially since I was in the guards view on the top floor. Even though i called my parents, explained what happened, asked for help, even commissary money; they wouldn't even budge. I was mad at the time but after awhile of thinking about it; I couldn't be mad at them, they didn't put me in jail, they were trying to teach me a hard lesson just like life was already doing and at the time i held in a lot of resentment/bitterness towards them and never really understood why they wouldn't help me but could help my siblings whenever they needed anything. But now I know it was hard for them as well; hard for any parent to see their child behind bars it's not a good feeling to even be behind bars and have to call them and tell me nd here all the reasons why they wasn't gonna help. It was a hard lesson to learn but it was a good lesson to be taught now I appreciate them, applaud them, and thank them for teaching me something that was hard for the both of us. My ex on the other hand would always be there. Would always answer the phone no matter where he was or what he was doing. I really felt like he was my only support system at the time AND HE WAS! I could've always called my birth family the people who know the jail system that would travel to come see me not only have I seen and witnessed them do it but they were so mad at me that I didn't tell them I was there and that I was struggling while inside. My ex did everything I asked him to do which was "not tell them", "don't reply to anyones messages", "can you add 20$ to my commissary for next week so I can go ahead and order some more noodles" he would always be there. He would always answer and I couldn't help but fall back in love with him and we were back at it again in the relationship that brought us both here.  I was kinda being a narcissistic In jail towards him "if you can't help me then we don't need to be talking or even in a relationship" it was very wrong of me to say things like that or to threaten someone into doing something for me that they were trying their  hardest to do in the first place. We would sit on the phone the whole time I was able to be out for "free time" we would just sit and talk about when I got out what I would accomplished, what I would work harder on or work with him on. It was special to me because nobody else would answer the phone or even text me back on the lil kiosk to even talk to me. Before I went to jail I had two bestfriends and they ghosted me while I was in jail (This "bestfriend friendship" is its own chapter so be ready and on the lookout for it)  and never replied back to me or my ex after telling us they would help us with the bail nd help with putting money on my books; just went completely ghost, until I got out of course. My ex was the only reason I had hope, faith, common sense not to do anything crazy and not to get hurt. He obtained a lawyer, paid the lawyer, called the lawyer worked something out with the lawyer, paid money towards 2 1/2 months worth of commissary,2 1/2 worth of putting money of the phones for me to be able to call him/the lawyer/my pops/family/etc. he paid for my bail/bond, and was still trying to help pay for it, help me out, and still be my friend. Not only is this his shout out but this is his appreciation guideline on how much I really did see, know, and felt the sacrifices he has taken to help me become a better and open minded young adult. Devin B. Buck I really do and have appreciated you since I met you. Since I've met you I've always felt like you were treating me as if I was beneath you, a young dumb nieve child, vulnerable, emotionally damaged, felt like you pitied me, etc. and as I look back I now know that wasn't true at all. You tried to love me the best way you could and I didn't accept the only way you knew how. I've always regretted not loving you as much as you loved me. I've always felt the lack of trust from you which is why i didn't fully love you the way you loved me. That does not mean I didn't love you that only means that the way we loved was very different in so many unexplainable ways that I'm not going to dive I to. Ive always held you to a higher standard than I should have, ive always felt because a person has a house(apartment; something that has your name and you pay for), a car, a good job; that things shouldn't be as hard as they complain about or try to make it. But then I had to realize from you Devin that sometimes having all of those things comes with less time for your own emotional support, your own time for self healing, having less time to live but have more than enough time to think about what you could do. What I've learned from you is that we all make choices, big or small, their OUR choices; if you choose to sit there and think about how much fun it would be to drive through the US on a spontaneous trip then you have time to plan it out instead of making rash decisions and ending up on the short end of the stick. It will ALWAYS be okay to stop and think about the choices of a decision you're so irrationally about to make out of anger and emotions. Though we are not together and I have moved on and can be able to write and talk to you and about it, you have always and will always be a friend to me; you've taught me how to handle business, how to learn from my mistakes and not make them again, how to really understand and appreciate things that are given or received, how to love better, how to know when and how to take disrespect in all forms; professional or non professional; you've taught me the most important things that no man or women could have ever been able to teach me. We've dealt with each other for more than 2 years at this point, they say people are a season for a reason, and some people are put into your life for a reason but I don't think you were supposed to be anything other than a friend, confidant, encouraging each other to be and do better. I will never regret meeting you, dating you, loving you and even being engaged to you; I just wished we had more time to learn each other and more patience with each other and I wish we could've started with a whole hearted trustworthy relationship from the beginning so the doubts within the relationship would've never even came up, would've never even been thought of, etc. I've learned a lot being a partner to a completely opposite: Wasn't out of the closet yet, wasn't really open with himself, was into making others happy before making yourself happy(people pleaser), major workaholic (No REAL hobbies or have hobbies but choose to make a "tired" excuse instead of trying to relax your brain from whatever it is that needed to be relaxed), overly stressed about everything but doesn't take the time to solve the things that they are stressing about. Me and him were completely different spirits, he was an atheist, I'm a preachers kids and was brought up in church(even in foster homes, I've always landed with christians and older wise couples who went to church every Wednesday & Sunday; taught me some hard lessons about life. (This is a chapter as well about my time in foster care so beware and look out for it)  I've never really appreciate life until recently going through some challenges alone and trying to trust my own gut, trust myself to know when something isn't right for me. We were so different but so alike in some unexpected and unexplainable ways. I will always appreciate you for everything you have sacrificed to prove your love, to prove your worth to me. I'm sorry I didn't mature enough while I was with you to appreciate all the things you have done. But just remember you never have to prove yourself with anyone as hard as you did with me. You're a beautiful human being with an amazing soul who just needs to right person to show them their love is no match for yours. I can't help but wish the best partner for you in the future, I can't help but wish you the absolute best in your amazing, corny, goofy, yet stern, busy, workaholic life. I wish someone better than me comes along and show you the love I couldn't give or show you. I hope you forgive me for all the things I have ever done, damaged, messed up for you, emotional damaged, physical damage, mental damage, health damage, etc. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR IT ALL !
Everything that we've ever been through, he has stuck by and supported it even if he wasn't apart of it, yea he'll try to be in my business but can I blame him he's getting used to not being around me after 2 years of a life together. Till this day we talk on and off I try to at least make some things cordial, try to not make me having a new relationship the topic of our conversations whenever we do or will hang out.  He stills hold a special place in my heart beyond some of the hurt we both have endured it's easy to say Devin Buck has always been there ten toes down for me even when sometimes I wasn't being appreciative of it even the little things he did try and do to make me happy I took for granted and that was stupid of me. I've learned from that mistake to not do it to the next person trying to love me or trying to be with me. Show the appreciation even if you can't say sometimes, do it then, make your loved ones feel like no matter what they may be going thru they matter, you care, you love and appreciate everything that they have ever done, sacrificed, or even made better in your life with guidance.

*Within the time of the break up there has been some bad things and questionable things that has happened between all of this, that will not be discussed until further notice* 😌
A little bit about what the next chapter will be about.....hmmm let's just say it's about a friendship(s) that should have never even happened or been reunited with in the first place; the lesson I learned and what challenges it has brought me learning the lesson! I wrote this entire chapter in 1 day! Imagine that! Go Me! Go Alex! Go Aj! Go Jr! Go ME❗️