The Way Life Goes!!: The making of "Alex"

"Nothing is ever really...as it seems"

Writing this book has given me something no one else can. A sense of peace, a sense a knowing good from bad, A BRAIN. I have loved writing this memoir more than anything else. So let me give some of my readers an in depth perspective of my intrusive thoughts.

I'm a pansexual male. I love anyone with a whole heart. Does that make me gay yes. Does that mean I like women yes. I've never been a fan of labels but the pansexual label really stuck to me. It's a more in depth version of bisexual. The moment you feel as if you can share your whole life's story with someone you've never had sex with is the most rewarding moment when the sex finally occurs. I've never been a fan of dating people with normal issues. I've always been with people with major issues like: heart broken from birth, depression, insecurities etc. not saying that life doesn't come with problems but damn! But in that reality it made me think about my life, about why I choose the people I choose to date. Sometimes the answer to that question is just as simple as the question being asked. I've lived my life chasing something I should've learned about as a child. Growing up i didn't receive or learn what real love is supposed to look like. The first person in the world who's supposed to show you unconditional love is your MOTHER but in my case my birth-giver. Sometimes I like to think that she's the reason for a lot of things that happened in my life but I had to look back and realize that God wanted bigger and better things for me. I love her because I'm obligated to love the person who gave me life. But I'm not obligated to like her or her choices. I've lived trying not to make the same mistakes but also lived part of my life trying to help her make up for hers with me. Does it ever work? HELL NO. Have I stopped trying? HELL YEA! Why? Because just like the old saying goes "after a certain age people sometimes get stuck in their ways" I can't help change wtf she don't want to. So I learned to show myself what love really is. My adopted parents have a funny way of showing love as well which is why I've adopted my own standards of the love I WILL receive. After a lot of hurt feelings, hurt personal relationships, hurt spirit, feeling like I've been alone my whole life.....all that made me do was create a depiction of the type of love I want to receive from people I CHOOSE to have around me. My love life will remain a mystery in the years to come with my mindset on it. But I do pray that I find someone who will take my breath away one day with their immaculate taste, way of thinking, mindfulness, selflessness, compassion, family driven, goofy personality. I do pray I am healed or in some part of my healing stage so that I can be mature and unafraid to love them with my whole heart without all the gimmicks and suffering.

I am a very peculiar human being and I chose to follow the rules of life with a challenge. Sometimes challenges help guide the brain into a better problem solving mechanism. I've never had the chance to go through life EASY so all I know how to do is go HARDER! Life, as I'm writing this chapter, is kicking my ass....and giving my brain some work. I love me. But I don't like the way we have been going through life. Why does everything have to be the hard way? Why do we keep the mindset of "well I never had it easy so..." or "or this is how I was taught so I think it will help you..." ? Why do we have to keep all these generational curses going thru every generation? Why do we love seeing our children struggle? Why do we love acting a fool for our kids instead of teaching them the right way? Why do these generational curses take the course of all our kids and no one is trying to change that?
I know that one day I WILL HAVE CHILDREN. I WILL have a wife/husband, I WILL have a family! I will have a part of my beautiful brain walking this earth one day and that will be the most precious part of me dying in peace knowing I taught someone the right way to have a family, how to love them fully but also hold them accountable for their mistakes, behavior, problems. I will have have a peace of me walking this earth someone who has a good soul, heart, mind and body, someone who treats the world like a bull and takes it by the horns. I will be someone to look up to and I will be able to leave that legacy behind me. I am patiently waiting for the right time to bring a beautiful soul into this world and no one will EVER be able to take my child away from me. I will adopt a child and show them how to love and respect themselves and others. I will carry more traditions than I can imagine and the person I fall in love with one day will be right by my side through it all. Instead of a generational curse I'll leave behind generational wealth instead! Our love will overpower negativity, we'll make you feel loved to be around us. I will have an amazing family and I know God will be right there in the middle of it!

Someone once said to me... "we have a whole life time to do things"...I said back to the person "do we really though?" 2023 is one of the most draining years I've had personally. Life is getting shorter and shorter, day by day, time after time. No one has mentors anymore. Everyone is doing things the wrong way with these generations. This internet is taking over what real values and honesty even mean. They've taken away the value of friendship, family, adventure, fun, selflessness, happiness true happiness. Now a days everyone is doing things for them and clout and maybe it's just me but we had so many one hit wonders I forgot about half of these artist lol. I lived way before my time I guess. But with all this stuff going on with murders, hate crimes, rapes, disappearances, etc it's a lot in this world that we just don't know how to manage. Instead of people actually agreeing to that they sit and ponder on social media and they dig into other peoples lives as if that's the only thing they have in life to offer. I've been around so many people I forget who the hell I be talking to sometimes and I see their talents and their gifts and they hide it. They hide it behind personas on social media or fake accounts that never really get recognized. Life has built too many escape goats for things that need to be fixed internally.

The more we wonder how this world is gonna make it, the more we're right...it's not. The more we wonder if WE'RE going to make it thru.....the more God is right...we are! The more we wonder if things will get better... the more we're right.....that hopefully one day it will! The more we wonder how worse can it get....the more we're right....it definitely has gotten worse over the years! I love my brain. I didn't have that much people to talk to when I was younger I was a little sheltered and closed off. But as I got older I become more outspoken, more active, more engaged, more focused on the goal at hand. I will overcome all these obstacles and I can't wait when i share them!

This book has given me more of my brain than the schools. Life is a hard teacher to get taught from BUT the most effective teacher I've ever had. With grace, my head held high I will walk through life without anymore regrets. At this moment I have complete control of how I live, get paid, build a life and all. I guess the past five years I've never really felt grown. But I've never felt more grown being back home than I ever have. I'm working. I live alone. I'm finding my way. I will achieve every goal people said I wouldn't. I will achieve everything I doubt myself on. I am my biggest enemy when it comes to mental support and I change that today! From now on I will look in the mirror with affirmations to self support and self love. Sometimes I get discouraged thru my own self worth. But I can't let anyone keep taking that way from me because of the expectations that I have. My expectations for me...NO ONE CAN CHANGE WITHOUT A DOUBT!