The Way Life Goes!!: The making of "Alex"

The Best Friend Lesson!

      This chapter is titled "The Best Friend Lesson!" because I have the worst luck at choosing friends especially female best-friends!
We finna get into some things chile. *Nicki voice*

So coming to Atlanta I started off with 2 best-friends; 1 boy 1 girl. My girl bestfriend was named D'onna (my baby😌👌🏽) we've become distant over the years and that's just because of distance, and living our own lives. But over the years I've been thinking a lot about her; we grew together after me getting adopted she was always there for me, thru my INTIRE Highschool journey but she wasn't even at my school or grade level. She's been with me thru every change, disaster, break-up, make-up, parent-child fights, all of it and I've never had a chance to really show her my growth and in a better head space because she's moved on to a new best-friend and a whole new demeanor but I'll always love her and she'll always be my bestfriend at heart ❤️.  My boy bestfriend Keshawn, he was my Leo bestfriend my one and only boy bestfriend that I have ever had and it was my strongest best decision to just leave him alone because of the lack of acting as if he was a best friend to me. If you haven't noticed I take being a bestfriend to me or anyone else VERY serious. So when I make you, NOBODY CLAIMS, I'm the only one who says yes or no. I don't ask for friendships. I don't beg for friendships. But when you insinuate yourself into my life and want to be in a position that wasn't given your decision to back out, proceed, neglect, etc is all gone and left up to me. It's no cocky situation, it's not conceited or selfishness intended but when I'm not insinuating myself into YOUR life and I'm minding my business I feel as if the decision making process is now not your decision you've made your decision it's mines now.

*Relevant to April-May (2015;2021)*

In April of 2015 I was in St. Augustine in an all boys group home. At the time I was 14-15 years old I've already been there going on a year; I started the process of meeting families a year after already being there. So the first family that were "interested" in adopting me was a white family with 5 other kids CHILLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE. In 2014-2015 a lot was happening with racism I was a bit new to the political, self political aspect of the modern day world of knowledge and sense. So I was a little judgmental about the situation and so happen before even meeting me, I guess my file and the year that I spent in the group home told them everything they needed to know; so they turned their decision to meet me down. After that it was about another week if I'm not mistaken around March they said another family had wanted to adopt me and they weren't a typical family, in the sense of an arrogant ignorant, to me they were all I ever needed. They were a gay couple, that owned their own church, one was out of the military(retired), the other worked for River Region in multiple positions I can barely remember what his official title was except he was the boss under bosses aka Success!
While In the process of meeting them, getting to know them, understanding them, them understanding me; I had a bestfriend and I never knew she was going thru things at the time I guess I wasn't as close as I make it seem but to me she was the most important person that I never thought would leave at a time like that.
May 11, 2015
The most heartbreaking day I could have ever had in my entire life, even thru the tragedy of a thing I called a childhood.
I get a call from one of my friends about my best-friend that she was shot by her uncle and to look at the news.
Now this is 2 days before I was scheduled to be moving in with my new adopted parents and the news was devastating to hear and when I heard I couldn't say anything, I just looked at the phone, stared and just couldn't even believe what I've heard. After that everyone just kept asking was I okay. Most of the time I would say yes. Most of the time I didn't even know the answer to that question. After loosing someone so close; my first experience with the death of a close friend; the experience made me look at how I treat my friends and my close relatives and it made me Love harder, but it didn't teach me to love myself harder it taught me to love everyone else harder. I was going through the most happiest yet saddest time all at once. In my mind, in my heart; I've always felt like that was the start of a cycle of the month of April-May. Now I won't say it's all a bad two months but what I will say is that it's a "2 month emotional roller coaster challenge" but it's a bit of a tassel.
April 3
This is my domma's birthday. To many who may not have known or read clearly I was adopted by gay men. I call one pops, the other domma(dad+momma=domma).
Me (Leo) and my domma (Aries) love each other the hardest ways Any son and mother relationship I've ever witnessed. I'm a "mommas boy" but when me and my domma are upset or in feud BEWARE because we go at it for days, weeks, months, and in this case years. We both are the most stubborn and we try so hard to out stubborn each other. I love it low-key because I've never had a family to even really argue or go back and forth with; it makes me feel wholesome yet irritable.
If you do my Domma wrong he will never let you forget it; could be year down the line he'll make sure you remember; it's where I get my need to keep my memory sharp and very memorable. He's taught me a lot of things. Most importantly how to survive in the business world, work world, ADULT world; see my problem was over the years I've learned the street survival kit, yet I knew books, good In school, but I still had a big attitude and anger problem so my domma, coming from his story and life, he had to show me a way to insure that I know, "hey baby, it's okay to get upset, it's okay to have feelings, but the most important thing is what you do while feeling the way you're feeling, I just want to teach you a better way to manage, to cope, and to understand that I'm here for you, and I'm here to teach you the right way, no matter how mad I get, no matter how mean I say things, I'm only doing it because I'm trying to make you better and understand things from a different perspective" I've always carried that since Jail. I can't say I've always learned and was willing to take it and look back and see the lessons right away, but what I can say is that having to sit in a cell for 2 1/2 months with no phone, no internet to release emotional outrage posts/videos, no connecting with the outside world, No knowledge of what time it is at any point of the day, with nothing but your brain, books (if you cool enough for the inmates to share with you; in other words I had books), Bologna/Ham/salami sandwiches, no other drink but water, cellmates that bang on doors all night, go in and out of their LOCKED doors, those 2 1/2 months felt like 2 years compared to having people to talk to to get by your days. I've thought about nothing but what my adopted parents raised me to be in the 5 years they have had me and how I wasted it following behind relationships, insecurities, stubbornness, resistance, childishness, unwieldy behavior, and inexcusable actions. I've had no choice. This was my stopping point and if I didn't get a grip I knew God would have had something worse in store for me. I got in the Bible I actually wanted to change and I knew I wanted to change when I asked to push me to the right path, right people, right journey and he showed me the knowledge I had to see those wrong doings and wrong people was already in me. I had to believe and trust in myself and In order to trust in myself, I had to trust in My God. (To the atheist out their; I understand some may not believe in god or a higher being but just think about it, you fell out of faith due to bad personal experience, loss of faith, wasn't born around it. But In reality to think deeper into it we all don't know if there is a higher power but what I HAVE experienced is that FAITH is all we need. Faith even within ourselves will give us the power to learn or to experience whatever it is your true calling or beliefs are) 
After being is there for what felt like 2 years, I learned myself, my mind, my thoughts, my gut, my intuition, my emotions, my heart, my soul, my lord and savior. Learning myself taught me more than I can even explain, taught me how i want my love, respect, honesty, friendships, relationships, lifestyle, home, future to look like. It also showed me that after 10-21 years of fighting alone, fighting my own demons, fighting wars that shouldn't be faught, it showed me how much of a strong fighter I was and it reminded me that if I can overcome some things that most people couldn't, then boyyyy I was born ready to fight, win/loose, survive, get back up and do it again until I learned and was able to show someone else, teach someone else, encourage someone else. Trust me a lot of people say I could be a good therapist/psychologist because of the way I talk and how I could relate to so many situations and be able to help a lot of people overcome a lot of things.
My recent ex bestfriends were the lesson of a life time.
I met these two people my second year in atl and they made me feel like I actually had friends for a minute. I was bestfriends with the dyke first but seemingly we had nothing at all in common except that we was both goofy asf. Me and the feminine one had more in common we liked music, we was very spiritual, liked church, wanted to grow as people. She eventually rerouted as my bestfriend because of the commonality of our lives. But growing up around females I've already known how females are when they are on their period and it's different and very much more brutal, disrespectful and impatient. So I was prepared to deal with it knowing and having female friends for years, but these females WERE DIFFERENT on their periods. They were vindictive, emotionally disrespectful, emotionally abusive; they would say private things that I have told them that wasn't a joke to me and that I don't even joke about my personal business; they would exploit them, talk about me as if nothing was said about the situation, being up old stuff. At first I thought It was just their way of being friendly but then I had to realize that wasn't the case. Sometimes I sheltered those feelings and took them out on people who didn't deserve it but that was my mistake. My last straw with them was recent a couple months ago the dyke asked my bestfriend to ask my to move in and help with rent or whatever they needed. Knowing I would've said no she made my bestfriend ask me and she knew I would've done it for her but my gut was saying something wasn't right; they've done this before and when they felt as if I wasn't meeting their standards they would kick me out and say things to demean me and disrespect me and my family. I usually wouldn't take the things people say to me to heart but when it was coming from them I had no choice, someone I was calling my friends, bestfriends at that demeaning me, making me feel less than I had to take it personal and they made it seem like I shouldn't have. Recent events proved why I need to listen to my gut instead of trying to prove myself wrong.
I moved in and they had no help from anyone; no silverware, no food, no furniture, nothing but an empty refrigerator and an empty living room with nothing to eat with or eat at all. So me but the good person THAT I AM; I went "to make money" for us so we could eat doing what I did I made 50$ (lost my job at the time due to just getting out of jail and trying to find one) so I immediately went straight to the family dollar next door to THIER apartment and bought a couple of things. I bought milk, a big jug of juice, 2 boxes of cereal (CTC, PB PUFFS), the silverware pack with the tray to stick in the draw, chips, and 4 bowls. Now I know it doesn't seem like all of that cost 50$ IT DID at family dollar especially me trying to be considerate of everyone else in the house as well.So because my favorite cereal is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch i hid them bitches for a glimpse of selfishness after treating the whole house to something they been obviously been craving and raving about all day. So I go in and tell them I got some stuff. IMMEDIATELY rude comments: "why you brought this cereal" "you know she don't eat peanut butter" "why tf hiding this knowing we gonna want some". So I let them have it for about 20 minutes while she calling me everything but the child of god; so while she's doing all of this....she's telling me I need to get out cause she don't want no sneaky bitch or no selfish bitch around her. So I say okay let me find me a ride or someone who can get me an Uber in the mist of doing that she's taking my things throwing them outside; basically challenging me and I almost gave in. Now I'm on the phone ready to find somebody who can get me a ride.....I'm over this situation and I'm ready to go because my lion side come out chileeee I was over it and ready!! So somebody finally got me and Uber back to an old roommate who said I was able to come back....so when the Uber gets there I say to my now ex bestfriend "If you stay here tonight, I will never fwy again that will be the end of our friendship" and I closed the door and left. So the next day she text me "hey I hope you're okay" my only and immediate response is... "wya?" She kept dodging the questions everytime I asked until she finally said "the house" I said "your moms house" her only response "No" and I knew that she was still over there....so I immediately just cut that shit right there "we'll I hope you have a good life and I hope you get everything you deserve but like I said this friendship is over" and that was the end of that. A couple weeks later they texted me that they was sorry and that they hope I could forgive them one day. Now me I'm growing and I'm learning to forgive but this is something that will definitely take time especially when I tell you secrets about myself and you use them against me...when you bash my life, jobs, and everything that I care about...that just goes to show you never really had respect for me and you never will....that's something I can't continue to let happen especially if you supposed to be my "bestfriends" you wouldn't let your partner bash me and sit right there and say nothing any bestfriend like that isn't a good one RUN AWAY FROM THEM!

Recently I have been being more open about life, my skills, my learning, spiritual life, and friendships that are worth the effort. I've been getting into more saging my space, clearing my mind, keeping my inner peace. It's a lot but you understand it better and better as you get older that not everybody is somebody that should be around all the time. There are friends that are for a season and there are friends that are there for a reason. We have to be open to learning to the difference and open enough to take when someone who's close to you knows when something is bad for you. We have to be open to listen. Without listening you won't be able to achieve as much as you want.

BE COMFORTABLE WITH GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE! ONCE YOU STEP OUT OF THAT COMFORT ZONE YOULL SEE THAT SOMETHINGS ARENT AS BAD AS WE THOUGHT IN OUR HEADS COMING FROM EXPERIENCE I KNOW!

Next chapter is about Blessings!