Poems

Tired

Sometimes it's all too much. 

All these thoughts, pain, overthinking, loneliness, hate, fear and damage...

I can't sleep without thinking how selfish I am. How I make people suffer and how I let them down.

But I am being punished. Everything I have done to hurt anybody is used against me. They make me suffer back 10 times more bad. Is that fair? I didn't intend to cause them suffering, but I guess it's in my nature...

And this pain... I can't control it anymore... It has now, digged a big hole in my heart. And it hurts... I don't think I deserve this, but really, am I someone who can judge now?

At night, in my room, looking out the window at the night sky, the moon shining over me, the stars watching my every move, those dark clouds staring right into mu soul, then, I overthink. And I keep remembering the decisions I made that day. I could have done better. I should have known better...

And I feel so lonely. No one understands me. No one will ever undestand me, nor will they try to. And that is the worst thing. I am surrounded by people, but they feel like strangers. I am so lonely I start wondering if it's real.

I hate everyone and I hate myself for that. I am so worthless, you made me feel like that and then you come telling me this. I hate feeling hatred, but I hate it more when I do not feel it, because it somehow keeps me alive. At least I got myself to blame...

I am afraid. So afraid I can't let myself trust anyone. I can't even trust myself. I'm afraid I will get hurt. But why does it matter when I'm this broken and dead inside? I am afraid of changing myself, because I don't know me or what I am capable of. But mostly I'm afraid of myself. To be exact the monster I became.

And for what or who I try so hard? For myself? For my family? For my friends? Why should I even break myself even more trying if I'm going to fail. And I did that. I failed everyone. Including me... I'm so damaged by people's judgement and I force myself to be perfect for them. With every piece of me I try, so then they can tell me what I am and what I'm not. I'm so broken my pieces are everywhere. Like a puzzle... But I don't know where I should begin putting the first piece.

In the end I am just the same. Nothing changes. I'm just as sad and fearful as I was before. And people carry on with their day. So what? So what if I'm alone? What if i'm a liar? What if I am hard to love? What if I keep falling apart everyday? Is that why I feel like this maybe? There may be many reasons behind my pain and fakeness, but I shall never know them.

I am so tired of this life. I'd do anything to be someone else. For my sake, please save me or leave me... Don't love me and then abandon me, please. I want to let you in, mealt my heart, but I'm frozen. 

And this is very tiring...