jack is dead

15

jack

as i went downstairs, i could hear ag talking to her mom. she said for her mom to not ask me a bunch of questions and that i was going through a rough time. i knew it. no one can handle me. i can't handle anyone else. she's so fucking embarrassed of me. i sat on the step for a little bit, listening to their conversation. they're so normal. just a mother and daughter. together. i decided to walk down the last couple steps, ag meeting me and helping me to a chair. i tried my best to make myself smile and seem happy. her mom is great. she's perfect. she asks the right questions and doesn't pry too much. my mom is kind of the opposite. i don't see her much, and i prefer it that way. shit. my dad's probably home. shit. he's going to be so mad if he finds out i'm not there when he gets home.

my whole mood shifts and ag notices. i look to her and say i need to leave. i start to breather heavily as i felt the panic coming. normally i would rub my stomach, but there is nothing fresh, i've spent the last 2 days with ag and nothing hurts enough. she holds my hand and asks what she did wrong. how could she ever do anything wrong? she's literally been the best. she doesn't ask questions. she doesn't comment on my eating or my body. she doesn't tell me to stop cutting or drinking. i'm just sorry she has to deal with me. my stomach flips when she asks me why. "why do you do it?" she asked. "the cutting, the drinking, the drugs, the starving yourself." she looked me in my eyes, mine falling to the floor. "i don't know." i said. that's a fucking lie. i hate everything about myself. i hate my brain and my thoughts. i have no will to live and the only thing i'm still alive for is sex and drugs. i want to be brutally cut or hurt so bad i can't physically take it anymore. i deserve it. i can't communicate well. i don't think about my well being and how i effect others. i don't care about stuff, then i care too much. i can't self-regulate or anything like that.

she knows i'm lying, but she doesn't ask any more questions. she turns on some music and we drive home. i look out the window at the trees and then over to her. she was trying not to look at me and i understand why. i'm so fucking stupid to let her see me. now there's just going to be a bunch of issues. as we pull in, i see only my car in the driveway. a wave of relief sets over me as i realize my dad isn't home. i wonder about ag's dad. and who the man at her house is. i don't ask though.

she helps me through the front door and asks, "do you want me to stay? i don't want anything bad to happen when i'm not here." she held my face in her hands. honestly no, i don't think i'll ever be safe by myself. "yeah, i'll be ok. thank you." i smile and give her a kiss on her cheek. as she walks away, she yells, "call me if you need anything." she's so sweet. my smile drops as my stomach stops flipping. i take deep breaths and release the tension i didn't know was there. i go to the kitchen and take one of the kitchen knives. normally i don't think when i do it, but i can't stop thinking about ag and what she said. she's lying. she doesn't care about me. it doesn't make sense why she would care. i don't matter. i don't matter to her. i go deeper. deeper. deeper. 

~~

i hear the car door slam in the driveway and look around me. my head hurts like hell and there's blood all around me. shit. my arms ache from last night and i seriously struggle to clean up my mess. my ugliness. i go to the bathroom and grab some gauze, wrapping it around my wrists. i heard the garage door open and my dad's shoes hit the tile. i didn't have time to go upstairs and put on a jacket, so i would just have to hide my arms somehow. my dad isn't very involved in my life and every since the divorce and us moving here, it's somehow gotten worse. i stumble to the kitchen chair and hide my arms under the table.

i saw him walk in, not even looking at me. set some bags down full of food and put them on the counter, telling me to put the stuff in the fridge. he walked into his office area, telling me he would be gone again at the end of the week, to europe. i nodded and put some of the food away. i tried to not look at the labels of calories or anything, but it's hard. once i'm done, i go upstairs and try to get to my bed. my head starts spinning and i feel my head hit the carpet. 

~~

i wake up to someone rubbing my arms. it's a weird sensation, but i feel the warm washcloth rub against my skin. i don't open my eyes. i don't know who's here, but i'm in deep shit if it's my dad. they start to hum and i realize it's the song me and ag listened to on repeat on the way to the diner. shit, this is possibly worse than my dad. i slowly open my eyes. i'm on the dining room table, which hurts my back. i look out at my living room, not listening to whatever ag is saying. how could i do this? how did i get caught, no one's caught me before. i could have od'd in my room any my parents wouldn't have known for at least two days. why the fuck is she here. i've embarrassed her so much in front of her friends, let alone, slept with her yesterday. this whole her-following-me thing is weird. it doesn't make sense why she would spend all this time to making sure i don't kill myself. not to mention, as soon as school starts again, she won't even know who i am. i am one of the most insignificant people in everyone's life. i don't have friends that care or a family that does either, but i would prefer they just leave me alone. 

she wraps my arms in new gauze and starts to clean up all the first-aid things she used. she carried me over to the couch and wrapped me in a blanket. my dad's office door creaks open. i look up at ag, terrified. he doesn't know about her. he doesn't know about me. she look at me, rubbing me cheek, "hey, its ok, i got this." she says, walking over to the kitchen. "who are you? where is jaquelyn?" he asks, raising his voice. "hey, i'm jack's friend." 

a/n 1197 words