jack is dead

1

jaclyn
⚠️tw for the whole book- self harm(sh) depression, suicide, anxiety⚠️

so we all know what depression is. i mean duh. u just feel shitty for a while. anyways i've felt shitty for a few years and one thing, don't fucking lie to yourself. i know it's really fucking hard when all u can think about is wanting to die, but face reality and how ur feeling.

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holy shit not again. fucking monday mornings. when i just had barely enough time to sleep and relax, boom, school. and to top it all off, we're moving in two weeks. not that it's a huge deal tho. i haven't fully processed my feeling about it, but i can tell when i do it's not gonna be good.

i finally sit up, looking straight ahead at my bare, grey wall. all my pictures of my friends are gone along with my watercolor paintings. my room is empty. i have just enough clothes left for the remaining weeks until we fly to kentucky. fucking kentucky. who even lives there anyway?

i sit on the side of my bed, staring at the clock. 5:30 am. fuck. i literally could have slept for 2 hours. but, unfortunately for me, i can't fall back asleep for the life of me.

i get up, my body weighing down heavily. i get to the bathroom and grab my blade from under the spot i keep it. it's small, easy to conceal. i have cuts left over from last night, now i regret how far i went with them, now i actually have to wrap them or something. jesus holy fuck. why can't i just stop. it's not like it fixes anything.

i get up and take a shower. i mean, might as well. i haven't taken one for 5? 6? days? idk. i get in the lukewarm water, feeling my thighs burn from the water. fighting the urge to just do it more, i end up just washing my hair.

after about 30 mins im done. i get out and dry myself off, carefully around my thighs. i go back to my room, carrying my dirty clothes. i pick out a plain black tanktop and some grey sweatpants. i grabbed my favorite jacket, a black zip up, and put on some socks. it's 6:15 now, and my whole family is asleep.

i get back on my bed and listen to some music and think about what my new life is going to be like. new people. thank god. new area. new everything.

my dad got a job in Louisville, so we are all moving. thankfully we are moving during the summer, so thankfully i don't have to start later in the school year, also giving me time to shuts during summer.

im in 10th grade, so next year is going to be so fucking difficult academically which sucks. im a lesbian, i've known since 6th grade. i love art and music. i play volleyball. and i have a gecko named theo. he's the best.

because of volleyball,it's of my time is spent at the gym training, but during the summer, it's pretty chill. im actually pretty good. not to brag, but im the captain of my schools team and made varsity my sophomore year. im very proud of myself. but, it also makes it difficult. with yk. i can't go to far down my thighs or it will show. im pretty fucking pathetic. honestly. i've let myself slip and my grades are down as well as my weight. i can't focus and doing anything other than sleeping is so fucking exhausting. but im not going to die yet. i have to at least wait until something fun or really really fucking bad happens.

anyways. i get up and put on some light makeup. i like dressing masc and fem, so it really depends on how im feeling. oh and my pronouns are they/she. i don't really care tho.

(a/n: hey guys! thanks for reading! i promise i will get to ag and love and stuff, but i wanted to really introduce my OC. thank you guys so much and i'll update soon:))

690 words