jack is dead

17

jack pov:

"she's over there and she's very tired. i know i should have introduced myself when i got here, but i didn't want to interrupt your work." ag said to my dad. he isn't mean, but he's strict to me and weird around new people. god, i hate this. i'm so embarrassing. they talked about my dad's job and other stuff, but i couldn't focus on them, my vision was going in and out and my ears were ringing so loudly. i ran my fingers along my forearms and up to feel my collar bones. they're not prominent enough. i have to get them to stick out more. my fingers went to my jaw, and how i still had so much fat around my face.

ag was making something for my dad and turned on some Frank Ocean. i love his music, nikes is my favorite. i sat up slowly, my head pounding picking up the blanket to bring with me, and stood up to try to walk to the counter. she saw me and rushed over to help me. oh my fucking god this is so embarrassing. normally i feel accomplished when i almost pass out, but its very different when there's other people around me. her arms go around me and she helps me to the counter. i sit down and set my head on my arms, facing towards the tv. i don't watch it though, my thoughts were to intense. i really hope she doesn't ask me to eat, i can't. i actually can't. i've been doing so well recently, i feel euphoric. sometimes starving myself feels filling. and it does right now. i'm going to feel so fucking bad if she makes me eat.

i heard her set something in front of me. oh no. i look up at her and she stares back sternly and nods. fuck. fuck. fuck. i stared at her getting my dad's food and pushed the bowl away. i faced forward not looking at her as my hands went around myself, feeling the fat on my arms. i felt the ground shake as she made her way to my dad's office, my body filling with dread. the tightness in my throat started and i felt like i was about to cry. i absolutely hate crying in front of people.

i heard her coming from the hallway and she sat next to me. she put her arm around me and hugged me, "baby, i know this is really hard for you, but you can do it. i know you can." she said, rubbing my back. whenever i'm in situations like this and i can't get out of them, i tend to rationalize. i know eating anything is going to make me feel like shit, but i could always throw up after. its not new. i slowly picked up the fork, swirling the food around. she rubbed my back and kissed my cheek, encouraging me. i feel like people who are normal with food don't understand that i'm fine being this way and i don't want help. its not like i'm dying.

i took a bite of the salad. it was dry and crunchy and very unappetizing. even though i was going to throw it up, i felt the tears well up and my vision blur. i sat down the fork and hung my head, hiding from her. "i'm so proud of you, baby. you did it!" she said. she was so excited for me. i didn't say anything, and she didn't make me eat any more. she helped me back to the couch. my mind was racing and i couldn't stop thinking about how i was going to get rid of the calories. i heard her clean up the kitchen and walk over to me. she laid down next to me and she slowly fell asleep.

i waited a few hours so she was really asleep. i got up slowly, reaching for the armrests of the couch to help me catch my balance. i walked slowly, leaning on the walls, and went into the bathroom. i tried not to look at myself and i grabbed a hair tie to put my hair up. i slowly knelt down in front of the toilet and gathered myself for something i hadn't done in almost 8 months.

once i was done, i leaned back against the wall. tears formed in my eyes while i thought about how pathetic i am. i don't understand why i do this to myself. and then i remember. to be pretty. i can't stop because i need to be pretty so people will like me. so ag will like me. i stood up and went back to ag. my arms laid on my stomach as my fingertips ran over my ribs. over and over and over. then they went to my thighs, pinching the fat left. i cried a little and went to sleep.

~~

i woke up around 5 and i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got up to go on a walk. back when i was just starting with my eating stuff, i walked a lot, so this was very nostalgic of me. i went outside and felt the warm air on my face. i went all throughout my neighborhood, kind of exploring it. i feel like i rush into thing too quickly to appreciate the things around me.

once i got back to the house, i went back to sleep until about 10, got up again and stumbled to the bathroom. all i did was the routinely body check. my thighs were the things i hate the absolute most. all the girls on tumblr and pinterest have at least a 2.5 inch thigh gap, and mine's only 2. fuck. i squeezed them and i wanted to rip the fat parts off so badly, they started bleeding. the blood seeped into my finger nails and i washed it off quickly, that shit stains. i went back to them and examined my hips. they weren't sticking out enough. i went to my stomach, the other retched part. i pulled at the fatter parts, the tears forming again. why can't i just be beautiful?

i heard ag groan, so she's probably awake. i splashed my face with cool water and smiled while walking out. "you're so adorable." she said, smiling at me. god please make her stop lying to me. i went over, trying my best to keep my balance and sat next to her. "how do your arms feel? do you want some ibuprofen?" she asked, looking at my arms. i subconsciously pulled them closer to my stomach, rubbing them. i nodded and she went over to the kitchen to get me some. " what do you want to do today?" she asked. "maybe we could go to the skate park and see mia again, i really like her." shit, i probably shouldn't have said that. i turned to her almost directly after i said that, "but i won't do anything with her, i promise." "baby, it's ok i trust you with her, and yeah she is great. here, i'll text her and see what's up and maybe we'll go out to dinner?". shit. she's probably trying to get me "better". fuck. "um, i probably won't eat anything, especially not in front of mia, but ok." i said, looking at my hands. "hey baby, its ok, i'll be with you the whole time." she smiles and we go upstairs.

she helped me up the stairs obviously and i went to sit on my bed and i tell her she could wear anything she wants. she nods, "what about you?" she asks. " i don't really care, as long as it has long sleeves." she makes a confused face, "but why? it's literally the middle of june, why would you- oh, sorry." i laugh in my head because this has happened before. "its ok ag." i say and smile, going back to tik tok. she went into the closet, bringing out an outfit for me. it was a sheer black top and green jean shorts. i went over to her and kissed her cheek, taking the clothes into the closet to get changed.

i went out and twirled for her. i bet i look so stupid right now. "you're so fucking pretty." she says, looking me up and down. i roll my eyes. she's lying to me. i walk over, seeing spots and my hearing going in and out. i sit next to her and she tucks my hair behind my ear and pulls me into a kiss. i love the feeling of her lips. her hands go down my arms and onto my waist. shit. all i can think about is the pinterest thinspo girls and how they all had those 2.5 inch thigh gaps. i'm not good enough for her. i'll never be good enough for anyone.

i pull away and smile at her, her hands still on my hips. "we should actually skate now." i say. she laughs and we go back downstairs. i go to the fridge and grab us both water bottles. "do you want anything else?" i ask. she was in the midst of grabbing her stuff and looked over at me. "yeah do you have goldfish?" i looked around my pantry for some. all the calorie labels were out and all my eyes could see were the numbers. then i thought back to when i stepped on the scale yesterday. all i want is for the numbers to go down. i don't care about anything else at this point.

i walk out of the pantry, seeing spots and my hearing distorted, to see ag looking over at me from the couch. "hey, are you ok?" she asks, looking visibly worried. why is she worried? she doesn't care about me. i smile, "yeah, of course," i grab my keys and the water bottles and walk out to my car. ag puts her skateboard and mine into the trunk, and gets into the passenger side. we listened to normal girl by sza. "i love sza." she said, smiling at me. her hand was on my thigh, gently rubbing it as i drove. it was kind of distracting, but i knew that was her goal. she probably thought i was thinking about sex, but i was just thinking about how much i wanted to cut off my thighs. i hate them so much.

we got the the skate park and she helped me skate again. i was giggling when she held me and i was trying to skate. she let go and i balanced pretty well actually. she literally skated circles around me. she went and did some tricks as i practiced mounting and dismounting my board. "let's go back, we need to get ready for mia." she said, skating over to me. i was playing on my phone. i looked up and she was all sweaty. i mean it is summer in kentucky, but she kinda looked hot. i felt myself blushing, but she didn't say anything. i said okay and we went back to my house."i'm gonna take a shower." she said, "join me if you want," she turned and went to go upstairs. i followed.