Back In Time

Nightmares, Towers, and Talks

It hurt. Everything hurt. I was is so much pain. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. But it didn't. It didn't stop. It continued hurting. My eye. My neck. My whole body. It was like it was on fire. It fucking hurt. The weight was still on me. The uncomfortable weight. I didn't like it. Not at all.

Then I screamed. Screamed bloody murder. The pain was just too much to handle. Too much. I was on fire. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Until I couldn't scream no more. And then I screamed some more.

Then, I woke up. I sat up. Panting. Taking in deep breaths. Seeing nothing. Just darkness. Blackness. I need out. There was not enough room. It was too small. I needed out.

I scrambled out of bed. Throwing the curtains back. I walked blindingly to the door. I wretched it opened and practically flew down the stairs. I didn't care if anyone heard me. I just needed out.

I stumbled into the Common Room. And made straight to the Portrait door. I didn't take in the Common Room surroundings. I didn't even take notice of the figure sitting in front of the fire place. I just wanted out.

I was out of the Common Room. But the area was still too small. It felt like everything was closing in on me. I knew where I had to go. I turned and made my way blindingly to the one place I knew helped. The Astronomy Tower.

I don't know how long it took me to get there. But it was too long. Too long. But. I made it. I made my way to the edge of the balcony. I breathed in the night time air. I took several deep breaths. The cold air calmed me down. It pierced my lungs in a way that felt good. That didn't make me feel trapped. That didn't make me feel like the walls were closing in on me. It felt good.

It don't know how long I stood there for. How long I was taking in breaths. But it felt good. It was calming me from the nightmare. It was calming.

At one point I recalled the hand making circles on my back. The voice telling me just to breath. To take deep breaths. And that's what I did. I took deep breaths. Deep. Calming. Breaths. I closed my eyes. While doing this.

When my heart was under control. Not pounding. When my breathing was normal. I opened my eyes. I looked out into the grounds. Up in the sky. Then, I looked to my right. To the person who was still rubbing circles on my back. A guy with light brown, almost golden colored eyes.

"Remus." I said. Lowly. Breathlessly.

"You ok?" He asked. Worriedly.

I took another deep breath. "I am now. Thank you."

"You're welcome." He paused. "Want to talk about it?"

I looked in his eyes. The eyes I had grown to love. He cared. And he was worried. And he wanted to help.

I turned around and slid down the balcony wall. Onto the floor. He came down with me. Putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I had a nightmare. About that night." I said. Not looking at him. Just straight ahead.

"I'm sorry."

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You didn't cause it. You weren't there." But he was. Not now him. But older him. Older him was the one who found me. Who carried me back to the castle.

"I know. But still." He paused. "You know. It might be better if you talked about it. I've found it helps. If you want to I mean." He said. Softly.

I looked at him and smiled softly. He smiled softly back. I nodded.

I then told him everything about that night. Only, not the part about Hogwarts. But everything else. Everything. And he sat there. Listening. Not interrupting. Just listening. Giving me his full attention. When I finished. He didn't say anything. He just stared. Then. He pulled me into a hug. A big. Brotherly. Hug. It felt nice. I hugged back. At one point. I realized I was crying. But. I found out. I didn't care. And neither did he. We just kept hugging. Me still crying. Eventually I pulled away.

"Thank you." I wiped my sleeve across my face. No longer crying.

"It's alright. Don't worry."

I looked at him. "Can I tell you something else?"

"Yes, you can."

"During Defense today." I paused. Not sure how to go about this.

"Your Boggart? Is that what you look like in Werewolf form?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I said. Softly. He stayed silent. Giving my shoulders a squeeze.

"My Boggart. I realize now. Is me being a Werewolf. It's me. Hurting the people I love and care about. It's me. Killing them. I don't want to kill anybody. I don't want to kill. I know. That if I waited a second longer. Than It would show me hurting. Killing those people."

"Look at me." He gently grabbed my chin. I looked into his eyes. "That is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not going to hurt anyone."

"How do you know that? How do you know? We have no control over what we do as a Werewolf. What if something went wrong one night? What is I kill someone one day? How do you know?" I asked. Softly.

"I just do. Trust me. I do. You won't hurt anyone. And. It's ok to be afraid of that. We are all afraid of something."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now come here." And he pulled me into another hug. I gladly excepted it. This one wasn't as long. But it was enough. Enough to ease my mind. Calm me down. I didn't cry in this one either.

It felt nice. I loved it. I loved Remus. Not in a crush type of way. A brother type of way. I loved him like a brother.

I was the first one to pull away. I took a deep breath and stood up. Facing the outside again. Remus stood next to me.

"I've always loved the outdoors. Especially at night time. I've always loved the night. The stars and the moon. It's all so beautiful. Just think. There are billions upon billion of stars up there. Big stars. But to us. There tiny. Everything is so much bigger out there. In space. But. Down here? It's so small. And I love it. It makes me feel alive." I spoke. Out. Into the night.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Breathing in the night air. It was different than the day air. It was fresher. It was better.

"It is beautiful." Remus agreed.

I looked over at him. "Remus? How did you find me?"

"I was in the Common Room. Sitting by the fire. I saw you come out of the stairs and out the door. I called your name and you didn't hear me. So. I followed you here."

"I didn't see you there. I was too distracted to getting here, than my surroundings. What were you doing in the Common Room?"

"Just thinking. Thinking about how Sirius, James, and Peter did what they did to help me. I don't want them to get in trouble because of me." He admitted.

I put my arm around his shoulders. "It'll be fine. They did it because they are your friends. They didn't want you to be alone for the full moons anymore."

"I know. I still worry though."

"I know."

"Do you miss them? Your friends? Back at home?"

"More than you could ever know." I admitted,

I did. I really did. It's only been a day. And I miss them terribly. So much. So much. That it hurt.

"I'm sorry. You can still write to them though."

"Yes. Yes, I can." No. No, no I couldn't. I couldn't do that at all. They weren't even born yet. I had know way to contact them. At all. It was hopeless. It made me depressed. I looked down in front of me. So that my hair was blocking Remus from view.

I don't know how long we stayed there. It was awhile. I didn't even know the time I woke up. All I knew. Was that the sun was just starting to peak out. When we left.