365 Days Without You

Chapter Three (Days 11-20)

Day 11. I heard you've already moved on and you're talking to her you're talking to the girl we used to laugh about that your parents told you to meet and try to get to know. Your voice echoes in my head and I can still hear your promise that you would never leave me for her no matter what they tell you you'll never leave me at all. So once again the tears gather in the corner of my eyes and I can almost taste your lips again while the memories rush in waves and I can't push them away this time. I can see flashes. You're laughing and I'm smiling, we're kissing. You tickle and tease me as I pretend to pout and be upset but oh, I could never really be mad at you especially when your hand is holding mine. And you know that I'm not truly upset yet you still spoil me with words that I know now you never meant, those I love you's and stay with me's. I'm drowning in my tears and they splatter onto the paper in front of me like wet paint and blur the lines I drew as I thought of you. I stare at the paper with such intensity I fear I will burn through it with my eyes and my house will catch fire and maybe even that won't hurt as much as your betrayal does.

Day 12. I drown out people's voices and numb my senses with songs about heartache and hate and betrayal and fate but it doesn't satisfy the burning thirst I have for comfort but no one understands me because we kept each other a secret knowing that if the world found out everything would go down in flames and I would confide in my best friend now but I still care for you and I still fear for your reputation as you used to put it. But now I wonder what was so deficient about me that I could scar your image if they found out you loved me.

Day 13. I absentmindedly play with the necklace you gave me until I realize what it is and throw it out the window because I no longer care for you all that remains is a passionate hate and anger for the way you treated me and I wish I realized that I was better than you made me feel. I deserved more than you gave me and I know it may be too late right now but I won't make the same mistake again, no. I won't give my heart freely and maybe I'll seem cold to people around me but I don't care they don't know the hell you put me through and I will never tell them.

Day 14. It's been two weeks and I can talk about you to my mother without the pain anymore all I feel is anger but I care enough to hope it will subside because though we will never be friends again I do not want to be enemies. It is as you said I don't want to part badly. But it is also not how you wanted I will never be your friend you lost that the moment you left my heart bleeding without so much of an apology for the way you strung me along and made me feel worthless at the end of it all. You said you wanted to get on with your life and for me to stop calling you those pet names you used to tell me you loved and left me on the porch in the rain the lightning shaking my core and not telling me why.

Day 15. I don't know how long I must wait after you to move on because I don't want to reduce our epic love to puppy love because that's not what it felt like but you were my first so I don't know how long it will take me to heal because I still feel broken but my dad says I look better, healthier, if not happier. He says he can still see the sorrow in my eyes but still doesn't know why and tells me I can trust him if I need to talk about it but you asked me not to tell anyone so I continue to keep it to myself. And I know you would be upset if you found out I told my mother but you are my past and I am yours so I am sorry if I don't follow your rules the way you want me to anymore.

Day 16. I logged online today and saw that you were online too and I guess you could say it was almost like the first sign of life I had seen from you after two weeks and two days. For some reason it rekindled the pain I felt at the beginning in those first days after you left me. I fought back the urge to send you a message but still couldn't help but wait and watch your status switch offline remembering that you never used to go without a goodnight or goodbye and a promise for tomorrow.

Day 17. I remember the day you told me you were in love with me. Four days after you came back from a trip when you were being an asshole and I almost left you. That moment when you indirectly said it, confusing me. I never suspected you were falling for me the way I was falling in love with you. You said I want to kiss you the way lovers do and I asked what do you mean by that? And you said I love you but there is a difference between loving and being in love. And I asked you what you meant and you said "I am in love with you. Isn't it obvious?" And I told you to kiss me the next time we saw each other and shut off my phone screen. You didn't see the stars that lit up my eyes that night and didn't feel the warmth that bloomed in my cheeks. I couldn't sleep that night but it was the good kind and I didn't mind. Instead when you went offline I stayed up until 3 am rereading the messages you sent me that night leading up to when you told me how you loved me. I still don't know when I fell asleep that night. It's funny because I don't know if I should feel this way but I still smile when I think of that night and I do not think I'll ever regret my past with you because at one point we loved each other like fools even if it didn't last as long as the forever we promised each other.

Day 18. My mom suggested I talk to the neighbor's son who told my brother he wanted to get to know me but I think it's too soon. I guess deep down I don't want you to think I never cared about you even though that's how you've made me feel since the day you left me. I don't doubt you loved me during our time together especially the trip we took to another city in the same state where we stayed up until 4 am talking and kissing and sighing and whispering. Covering ourselves in blankets when we suspected someone was awake when they shifted in their sleep and trying not to wake them with our laughs. Oh, how quickly it came and how fast it passed. You arranged the whole thing yourself and showed up at my house three hours before we were supposed to leave, laughing and telling me to get packed. How I rushed about the room in excitement trying to decide what I should bring. You left to get your things and I couldn't wait to see you again.

Day 19. My friend was talking about her boyfriend today, how they made love on their 6 month anniversary and she suspects she's in love with him. I thought back to you and how we didn't need sex to fall in love. A smile played at my lips as she spoke and for a moment I didn't hear anything she said as I remembered you and realized I was forgetting to miss you. Even though I no longer hate you, I thank my lucky stars we didn't take it that far because I'm saving the first time for someone special that I am sure loves me unconditionally. Because that is what I deserve and know now. You said you wanted to marry me and I told you we were too young.

Day 20. That childish two year agreement when you wanted to tell your parents you wanted to marry me and get engaged for two years so everyone would finally know that we loved each other. It never got to that point. No one ever found out about us except for my mom. She says you surely told your mom and your mom's told your dad and your aunt knows, obviously, because she's the one you told. I have faith you didn't tell your parents though because they trusted me and I was your sister's friend and I'd hate to make them dislike me no matter what went on between us, and you know that.