365 Days Without You

Chapter 10 (Days 90-95)

Day 91. I went over to Mike's house again today. His dad was at work and his sister was at a friend's house. His mother looked absolutely exhausted. When I got there, she went downstairs to leave us alone. Mike wanted water so I went to get him some, and there, on the couch, his mother had fallen fast asleep.

We talked about everything. He told me he had missed me, and how he had taken me, my friendship, our relationship, everything for granted.

"I don't want you to hate me," Mike spoke softly. "Especially if ..."

"Shut up, shut the hell up." I stopped him. "I don't hate you. I won't ever hate you."

"Astrid?"

"What?"

"I lied, you know. I got so irritated so I told you I never loved you. But I did. You were my everything and I was completely in love with you."

"That's okay, Mike. We don't have to talk about it."

"I wanted to try again, but I know it's unfair of me to ask."

"Then don't," I turned to him, getting annoyed. "I feel bad, Mike. You were my best friend. But I don't owe you anything. And I don't want to talk about the past. I'm only visiting now because it's my break, and I feel like I owe the past something. I'm not here to be your friend, or give you another chance."

As I got up to leave, my phone rang. It was Alex. I had been dodging him since I found out about Mike. So I told him to come over tomorrow, because I missed him and I needed someone to talk to.

Day 93. I told Alex everything. How Sara pleaded for me to come over, how Mike's mother looked so tired, how Mike seemed fine but appears to become more lethargic as each day passes.

He listened, never interrupting. I noticed how he watched me and seemed to hold on to every word that escaped my mouth. He seemed to care so much.

"Am I a bad person for not wanting to be hurt again?"

"Maybe you spoke a little harshly, but I don't know whether he deserved it or not," Alex told me. "I can't believe how easily these things can happen to us."

"Yea," I said, and when I started to think about Mike and our past, I felt tears gathering in my eyes and blurring my vision as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I didn't want to cry in front of Alex.

I'm crying again now, as I write this. I wonder to myself if love ever fades or goes away completely. I don't think it does. You can hate the person for a day, a week, a month, a year, but I think there's always a possibility of a trigger that renews the feelings you used to have for them. And I guess that's beautifully tragic.

Day 94. Four days until we have to get back to Uni. I'm actually happy about that because I'll finally have something steady to do again.

As I wait for Alex to come over I listen to music and tidy my room. I start to work on the several essays I have left for my classes, and scold myself for procrastinating.

The doorbell rings and it's Alex, standing by the door holding one rose.

"What's this?" I ask.

"For you. I just felt like getting it for you," He said, holding it out to me. I give him a hug and he comes in. Placing the rose in a small vase that I have filled with a bit of water, I follow him to my room and put it on my nightstand. "I was thinking... should I go visit Mike?" Alex asks.

"You don't really know him," I comment, sitting next to him on the floor and crossing my legs.

"Yea, but still, I mean we're both friends with you," He says.

"He's not my friend," I cut in sharply.

"And what am I?" Alex questions.

I don't say anything.

"Come on, Astrid," He pleads. "We need to talk about this."

"I can't talk about it right now, Alex," I say impatiently.

"I keep trying to give you space but you need to think about me, too," Alex insists.

"Alex!" I yell, then lower my voice, "I came home," I began, choking back tears, "to find out that my ex boyfriend has cancer, the one who I have been treating like shit since I saw him and he wanted to try again or at least be friends. I don't know how I feel about you, it was a mistake kissing you before I knew how I felt. And now, I feel like I'm stringing you along."

"No, Astrid, look," Alex spoke, "I don't want you to think I expect anything from you just because we were friends. I just want to know where I stand with you. I need to know."

I wasn't looking at him. I was staring at my carpet, thinking.

"Alex," I sighed. "I think I want to be with you, it's just ... I want to be able to give you my 100%. And I don't think I can right now."

Alex was sitting right in front of me now. He took both my hands in his.

"I'm fine with whatever percent you can. Even if that means we'll just be friends."

"I love you, Alex, I know I do, but I don't know if I'm in love with you or not," I confess, looking anywhere but at him.

He lifts my chin with the tips of his fingers and gazes into my eyes.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so shaky, my heart is beating as fast as the speed of light, and my heart is in my throat. I feel so nervous, excited, taken, a mix of so many emotions I can't distinguish all of them.

Our foreheads lean against each other. I close my eyes and try to take a deep breath, trying to calm myself but failing desperately.

"I can wait." He whispers.

I nod slightly, trying so hard to catch my breath.

"Until you're ready."

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