365 Days Without You

Chapter Four (Days 21-40)

Day 21. I saw her today. Your sister. She asked why I don't visit anymore. I made excuses I'm not sure she fell for. She brought back memories but the pain was low and steady because it's been three weeks and I no longer love you. I never told you, by the way. How your sister was the one who put marrying you into my head. How stupid of me. She asked me if I loved you and I laughed in response. She never understood and I think I annoyed her when I didn't answer her. I trusted no one but you then and now I trust no one. Obviously. I do regret trusting you.

Day 22. I passed your house on my way home today. I could lie and say that I forgot to take the detour I've been using but honestly I just hoped I would see you. I wanted to know if the rumors were true that you were happy and even planning on marrying that girl. The pain is back now. I guess love like ours isn't a joke after all. I'm glad I didn't see you though. I don't know if I'm ready yet.

Day 23. I opened the folder of pictures and my heart didn't shatter.

Day 24. The boy in the book I am reading reminds me of you and I am the girl. They never get their happily ever after. I know now that hardly anyone does.

Day 25. For some reason the fact that I am moving on without you and the pain has lessened so much saddens me. I don't know who I am more disappointed in, you or myself? But you were the one who left me and I'm still not sure whether I should have gone after you that night and kissed you in the downpour.

Day 26. No. You were serious about leaving me. Going after you would have been a mistake and I would just have made myself a ridiculous fool. If you still wanted me I would have heard from you in these three weeks and five days.

Day 27. When my thoughts wander far I return to my confused thoughts about why you left me. You never did explain, although after one year and two months of being together you owed me that much.

Day 28. Of course I am avoiding you. I don't want to see you. I admit even though it's almost been a month since we separated I still fear seeing you will renew the pain of the first day. My mom didn't believe me when I told her how much I loved you. She said it was out of loneliness and I would get over you soon. She mentioned the neighbor's son again today, but I shook my head. I'm still not ready for someone else.

Day 29. You almost saw me today. Thankfully my eyes recognized your broad shoulders and black, pushed up hair before you noticed me and I hid in a corner until you left the way I was going. I took the opposite route.

Day 30. The pain is back. Just as I feared seeing you in the flesh rekindled the feelings and emotions I buried under the books I read and music I listened to. The hole in my heart was beginning to heal but it's ripped itself open once again and the blood is pouring out with the same force as day five.

Day 31. I burned the things that reminded me of you in the backyard of my house and my tears sizzled when they reached the fire. I heard you were marrying her, the girl that we used to laugh about, she's the one you acted upon the promises you made to me. I still don't understand how quickly you were able to move on and I begin to doubt whether you ever really did love me and know that if I found out all of it was deception it will be my breaking point. So when the fire died I put on my sweater and left the house to walk down the same road we used to take but it no longer pains me as it used to. Because I understand that you have moved on and I probably should too, but I don't know why it's so hard for me to forget you.

Day 32. So today I talked to the neighbor's son and he was kind to me but I couldn't stop thinking of you and the guilt led me away from the park and his friends. I hid in my room under my bedsheets. My parents thought I was out the whole day until I woke up from nightmares with tears running down my face as I screamed your name in anger and pain.

Day 33. I don't think of you as often as I used to. It's true. The pain is not as strong as those first days without you. That's also true. I'm doing good without you. That's not true. Your sister invited me to your engagement party but I won't go. I know I'll start to cry again. It'll hurt to see you with her. I know it's been one month and two days that I've been without you but reminders keep the pain fresh. Your birthday is in ten days. I wish I had forgotten, but you see, I got your gift two months in advance. It's still hidden in the back of my closet.

Day 34. I thought about your engagement party today. It's in two months. I wondered whether by then I would be healed enough or strong enough to go without crying. I don't think so.

Day 35. I try not to think of you anymore. It's easier this way. I talked to the boy who smelled like you but he doesn't remind me of you anymore. He's a whole other person. He's nothing like you. His name is Alexander but says I can call him Alex. His eyes are a dull brown in comparison to your ocean eyes. But he walks differently and opens doors for me. I think I've finally found a friend.

Day 36. I only thought about you once today, when I saw a little boy with the same hazelnut eyes as mine and hair like yours. I thought about the child we imagined having in five years. I sighed but there was no pain this time, just regret.

Day 37. I dreamed you were falling, begging for my help, but I left you the way you left me, and I woke up with tear stains on my pillow.

Day 38. Alex took me to a coffee shop I'd never been to before. We talked about everything from the weather to what we'd like to achieve in the future. When he asked me about my exes, I answered there was only one and fell silent. He didn't press for me to speak the way you used to. He smiled sympathetically and changed the subject. Did you know they're building a new mall on 2nd street?

Day 39. I texted Alex until 3 am. I don't know how I'm going to wake up for class tomorrow. Maybe I'll just skip.

Day 40. There was a party at my friend's house and she invited Alex simply because she knew we were friends. I didn't dance but he did, although I don't think he really knew how to but it was the first time I laughed since you left me and it felt so great, so wonderful. He took my hand and pulled me forward but I just stood there laughing and shrugging. "I can't dance, Alex!" I yelled over the music. He was laughing too. "Neither can I!" He turned me around and we laughed together. After the party we decided to grab some ice cream with two other friends. We sat around discussing our classes and made pretend plans to take a road trip in the summer. I wondered if I'd be completely cured when summer comes? I think I might.