365 Days Without You

Chapter Eight (Days 81-85)

Day 81. I wake up before Alex does. Before getting up, I lie next to him and watch him breathe, in, out, in, out. I sigh, and he shifts in his sleep but doesn't wake up. Without thinking about it, I kiss him on the cheek and get up. I feel heat rushing to my cheeks as I blush and realize what I have just done.

"Pull yourself together Astrid," I mumble. "Ow!" I exclaim, hitting my toe to the corner of the desk leg. "Goddamn." I glance at Alex to make sure he's still asleep.

I grab some clothes out of my bag, along with my toothbrush and brush and head to the shower. I turn the water on and wait until it warms to the right temperature. As I step into the shower I hear a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" I call out.

"Astrid are you showering?" Alex's voice travels from behind the door.

"Yes."

"I'm going to get breakfast. Do you want anything?" He asks.

"Bring me whatever you're eating."

"Okay."

I hear the door of the room close as he leaves.

I don't know why I always think so much in the shower. I wonder about Alex, and how he feels, and if I am correct in guessing he likes me. But do I like him? Yes. In that way? I sigh in exasperation. I don't want to start something new. I just don't. It has nothing to do with liking him or not.

"Astrid," I mumble to myself, "Admit it. You like him. Way more than friends. You're just scared."

Shutting off the shower, I step out, wear my sandals and walk out of the bathroom, since Alex is not back yet.

I change quickly in case he comes back and sit on the bed, still in thought. For some reason I start thinking about Mike. I don't know why sometimes I still miss him. I don't want him back, I'm pretty sure of that. But a year and two months is a long time. I guess I expected too much as well. Then I think about Alex and how I might be overthinking it, or fooling myself.

I start to cry, which is strange. I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and stressed. I don't want to think about any of this. It's too confusing and irritating.

Alex walks in and sees me crying. He sets breakfast on the desk and sits next to me.

"Hey, hey, what is it Astrid? Are you okay?" His voice is soothing and calm. I stop sobbing and the tears trickle down my cheeks quietly.

"I don't even know," I start to laugh, and cry at the same time, shaking my head.

I wipe my tears away and try to control my breathing. I don't look at him but I can feel him watching me.

"Astrid?" He grabs my hand and turns my face towards him. I look away. "What is it?"