Truth Or Dare? ✓

35. so sick of new beginnings

  I was walking through Boston's awkwardly quiet streets, trembling from the cold, because I've had forgotten my jacket in his car, and my suitcase felt twice as heavy.

It all still seemed like a bad dream.

How could someone you care about so deeply can become someone you loathe in such a short period of time?

Twice.

I felt cursed and so angry at myself.

I let myself be a fool, because I care too much. And that needed to end, I just had no idea where to start.

Perhaps by never opening my heart up to anyone ever again and focusing on my career? Maybe change majors. From literature to engineering, sounds hot. If only I'd have any idea about math.

It was still such a long walk until I'll get to my apartment. I could call Cal.

I dial her once, but there's no response. She's probably wasted by now, so I keep walking.

As I walk and tremble, my mind can't deal with all of this information. I have one thought there going on repeat.

Owen is okay!

All this time I've spent in so much fear, not knowing anything about him, being so scared that there's nothing to know anymore.

But here he is, writing me a letter.

Selfish, selfish, selfish boy.

I can't walk anymore. Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's been too long and I'm tired or maybe it's Owen on my mind, or maybe it's because I got let down yet again.

How could Owen know where I am living now? Does that mean he has seen me somewhere in this big city? Does that mean he's here too? Does that mean he saw me at a place like supermarket and I didn't? How could Nico have the letter in the first place? Where is Owen now and what will he think when he'll never get a response back?

Selfishly another question had crept into my mind.

Is he with someone? Is he in love?

We're both just selfish fools.

Now, after all this mind racing, I remember another thing. Under the text, there was a number written, however, since it was tore apart, I could only see a few numbers and didn't figure out back then that it's a number.

What could that mean?

I can't imagine us ever meeting again. Not because I don't want to, I'll probably secretly long for that day my whole life, however I'm terrified of realising that there's nothing between us anymore. That there wouldn't be any attraction, understanding or spark. After all, a long time has passed by and both of us are completely different people.

Suddenly, another thought has made its way to my brain, completely changing my thought path.

I had sex with Nico. I've lost one thing that was deeply important to me just because I was too blind to see what kind of a man he is.

I can't remember him for all the good he did and all the great moments that we shared, therefore the bad things weight so much more. At least for now.

Maybe someday I'll be able to find peace with him not only breaking my heart but also taking once thing so sacred to me.

I kept walking and I walked, walked and walked.

Cal called me back, sounding completely sober and nervous. She asked me if I'm okay, because she's been worried sick for me ever since me and Nico left. Ruby had told her everything about him. Then she wanted to know where I was. I didn't talk much. Just that I was too blind, but at least now it's over and that I'll soon be home.

Which was true, because soon after ending our call and promising to text her once I get home safe, I saw my apartment complex sticking out behind other buildings.

When I unlocked my room, this place didn't feel like my home anymore.

It could be because I've spent most of my time at Nico's place or maybe because right now there wouldn't be a place on the whole world where I'd feel at home and sane.

I dropped down onto my bed, with one hand trying to find my phone in my pocket. Once I did, I texted Cal.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep. With completely blank mind. No thought whatsoever.

Just aching heart and soul.

The next morning, I woke up very early. It was five o'clock, meaning I had slept for three hours, however everything felt so heavy and dirty on my body that I didn't even consider trying to fall back asleep.

Instead I took a long and hot shower, standing under the water flowing down all over me, hugging my body in the nicest way possible right now.

The rest of the morning I spent writing an e-mail to Thomas, apologizing for disrupting the holidays with my message, but explaining him that unfortunately I won't be attending work anymore. Specifically asking for him to send me all the papers and I'll sign them electronically, so that I wouldn't have to go back there. Ever.

Then I started to look for other job offers.

If one good thing out of this situation, then it would be the fact that Nico didn't let me to spend my money on anything while I was living with him, so I have a little bit of extra money at the moment to live off and pay my rent until I find another job.

Then came a very long and dreading hour with  guilt eatinv me up for losing contact with Liz and Noah and my parents. None of them even knew about Nico.

So I start writing e-mails one by one.

First I write to Liz and I tell her how sorry I am for letting our friendship slip away that fast and easily. I ask her about her studies and I ask her where will she be spending Christmas, and I also ask her about the possibility of meeting her. I don't write to her about Nico, but I write that there might be a chance that Owen is somewhere here in Boston.

I write to Noah and firstly I ask to him about Frank, hoping with all that I've got they'd still be together, but in case they're not, I ask in a very sensitive way. I ask him about how work's going and I tell him about Owen. At the end I write how I can't wait to go home for summer and finally meet him again.

Then I write to my parents, apologizing for being so distant even though I really need my parents most of the time. I write that I'll call more often, especially now while I'm going through something. I also tell them not to worry, because I'll be just fine. I tell them that I'm looking for a new job but I don't need any extra money. I didn't tell them about Owen, instead I closed my laptop and sighed.

It's nine in the morning already. I texted Cal again, hoping she would be awake.

I took another quick shower in hopes it will rinse all of this sadness and guilt away.

When I came out, Cal had texted that we should meet.