Truth Or Dare? ✓

23. move on

  "Nico, I won't be able to make it tonight. I might have the flu or something. Please cover for me?" I sigh as I press the send button.

I don't have the flu. I lied. I was fine. I mean at least physically. I've had just gotten home from the university and honestly if you would ask me why am I feeling so sad, I couldn't answer to you. Or at least I had no specific answer.

It might be because today we had to read about lovers who didn't get the chance to love or maybe it is because in a week it will be a whole year since I last saw him, or maybe it is because it's his birthday today.

I lay down in my bed, still in jeans and hoodie, my backpack on one side of my shoulder, making it kind of uncomfortable to lay here.

I flinch at my phone ringing across the room and I immediately get up hoping it would be Lisa. I could really use my best friend now. But why would it be her, we barely talk to each other.

Is she even still my best friend after these months?

I can't help but wonder is he celebrating this year. He would always punch us and make us be quiet about his birthday at school, but all three of us would always still manage to make it somehow special for him.

It's Nico. I can't talk to him right now, so I wait for him to stop calling.

Before noticing what I'm doing and being able to stop myself, I am calling Owen's mom.

Feels like a lifetime when she finally picks up. She sounds like she's in a rush. My heart immediately gets a little happier, knowing she has somewhere to be, something to do.

"Hello? Who's this?" I hear her saying between the sound of her walking.

"It's Isabel." I sigh, not knowing what to expect. A part of me thinks that she's going to hang up without sayings anything else to me, but sounds like she stops walking.

"Sweet Isabel. How are you, my dear?" Her voice sounds genuine and I can already tell she's doing much better.

"I am mostly okay. Taking one day at a time." I nervously laugh, biting the skin off of my nails.

"Can I ask why are you calling me on a random Thursday's evening?" She chuckles and I sigh once more.

"I hope I'm not interrupting much for you!"

"I have a few minutes before I have to be at my meeting." I can hear her smile.

It's now or never.

"Have you seen Owen lately?" I let out and silence strikes us both.

She's not smiling anymore.

"Um." She stutters.

"It's just that it's his birthday today and I thought maybe.." I start saying before she interrupts me.

"Is today his birthday?" She sounds confused and surprised.

My heart aches and jaw clinches. I close my eyes.

She's not a bad mother, she just needs to learn how to be a good one.

"Dear, I didn't realise that! Must have forgotten. " She says as if she would feel the need to apologise to me. I want to start yelling at her that it's her son she should apologise to, but I, of course, don't.

"The last time I saw him was at the beginning of summer." She says after a while of silence.

I feel like never getting out of this bed.

It's almost December now.

The worst kind of scenarios make entrance in my mind and I can't help but let the tears roll down my cheeks.

"Dear, he doesn't want to be found. He wants us to erase his name from our brain."

"Have you done it?" I ask in such tone I surprise myself.

"He's old enough to make his own decisions." She says before she hangs up.

How can he be so selfish?

And how does everyone seem to be moving on?
How does his own mother seems to be moved on?

And how come I wake up every morning wishing that it would hurt a little less, but it just feels like I have a little more of him in my heart?

I see Nico calling me and texting me again. Maybe something has happened?

If he calls again, I'll pick up to see what's up.

I find a pen and a sheet of paper and I sit on my bed.

Dear, best friend! I start writing not knowing what I will do with it once it's finished.

You turn 20 today. I'm sure twenty has never looked this hot before. It's your birthday but I want to talk a little bit about myself. Or us. Or both.
Not a single day goes by when I don't wonder what you would be doing in my situation or how would you react next to me once I've made a decision about something. I talk to you in my head. I let you pick out my outfit for university. I got into Boston! I'm studying literature and that's just about the only thing that brings me joy when you're not around anymore. I let you choose what book am I reading next. I smoke cigarettes now. I work in a library that I wish you could see, because you would absolutely love it. I called you mother today and she told me to let you go. I barely talk to Lisa now, but those rare times that I do, she tells me to move on. Noah stopped calling at all, but I'm sure he would tell me to move on. I don't have any friends. People call me the sad girl. I hate labeling and I hate people. But I love walking around at night, I don't get scared of the dark anymore! My coworker Nico says I have sad eyes and a sad story. There have been to many sad's. My favorite time of the day is when I get to see you in my dream. I am so angry at you. But I am completely broken without you. I feel like I am ripping my own heart out every single day. My head's loud. My hair falls off. Today I wish I would have never met you.
No matter where you are today or what you are doing, I hope you get to blow your candles! And because you're selfish, I will be selfish too -
I wish that you wish to see me again.

Nico doesn't call the third time.