Truth Or Dare? ✓

14. tiredness

Owen's perspective

:) author's note
sensitive content! suicide alert!! blood!

My whole life I felt like I never fit in. Yes, I had friends, girlfriends, people called me attractive, my mother loved me, at least for most part, dad played basketball with me in the evenings when he was still around, I had good grades, I had enough food in the house, I never was bullied, I always had someone to go to, to talk to. Anyone else would actually love my life. So why couldn't I? Why can't I?

I punched the steering wheel. Then again. And again. Then times I couldn't even count anymore. I got out of my car before I couldn't stop my muscles from moving. I wandered around. Then began to run. I came across a house what seemed like an abounded building and before thinking, started to hit the wall. I punched and punched. Until my fist went numb. I screamed and yelled, tears running down my cheeks, getting into my mouth, blood dripping down on my clothes. I punched and I kicked. Screamed some more.

Then I sat down and looked at my fist, all covered in blood. Seeing blood dripping down, it reminded me of last spring. March 15th. The day I was ready to die. The day my mom ran into my room, messing it all up, screaming and crying and shaking me from the ground all covered in my blood. The day I woke up in a hospital, where they gave me pills and told me to go to a psychiatrist. I never actually went, I just told my mom it's going well, so she could sleep at nights. We never talked about it afterwards. We actually never really talk at all ever since that last spring. It's like she's afraid of me. I made her promise me that she wouldn't tell a soul. Even Isabel doesn't know about this. I wouldn't want her to look at me with pity.

The feeling was back. I felt like I was in my room, pressing my back against my bed, with a knife from our kitchen in my hands, watching the blood drip down on my body. I remember how easy everything felt back then. I remember it like it was yesterday.

At the moment, sitting here, I was ready to die again. I was ready to just shut it all off.

I'm tired of waking up every morning, wishing the day would be already over. I'm tired of seeing how my mom is trying to hide the fact that she's been crying all night long. I'm tired of pretending that I care about what my friends are saying. I'm tired of thinking how much different my life would be if dad would have stayed. Or how different it would be if I'd stop blaming everyone else for my actions. I don't want to hurt people who are the closest to me anymore. I don't want to hurt Isabel. I don't want to hurt myself.

It's almost funny how easy it is just to stop it all. The pain, never ending guilt, feeling that you just don't fit with everyone else.

I am here, but actually I'm not. I just about exist.

"Hey, you alright?" suddenly I heard a high pitched voice and I immediately jumped up.

Pain from my hand hit and I clenched my teeth.

A girl, blonde, dumb looking girl was standing next to me.

"None of your business." I mumbled, giving her an angry look for messing everything. Again. Or maybe I should be thanking her.

I heard my phone buzzing in my pocket and I started to wonder if it's Isabel. Why would it be Isabel? She hates me and she should hate me.

I guess it's a good thing we never started anything that was actually serious. It's better this way. I better fuck up everything now rather than later, because this was inevitable either way. We were doomed from the very first kiss we ever shared.

"Let me help you!" the girl said with a soothing voice, moving towards me. She smiled at me. She had a nice smile, I almost had to smile back.

"I don't want your help." I said, pushing her hands off of me and starting to walk away.

"Not even if I do this?" suddenly she was right back next to me, her hands on me. The next second, she slammed her lips into mine. And the next second I was already pushing her against the wall. My hand was pulsing really bad and I couldn't feel my fingers. I'm pretty sure it was broken. Who even is she and why is she here?

I felt her moaning in my ear and I remembered Isabel.

I grabbed that girl's hips, lifting her up with her legs wrapped around me. I wanted to kill her as much how I wanted to fuck her. My movements were harsh.

"My car is very near." she moaned while talking and I smirked.

"Mine's too."