Tim Bradford, Lucy Chen: S4 Moments

Moment 21: Projections

A/N: An interpretation of the ep 21 promo and before you jump the gun and be like, what about ep. 20? YouTube gave me NADA guys. So if there was Chenford, I didn't get it. And I'm sorry. Both for you and me. 

She had a question that was burning on the tip of her tongue. It was a foreign feeling. Typically, she wouldn't let questions fester. This one, she was scared to ask. It had begun to nag at the back of her mind earlier in the week. If she had a question, she asked it. It was as simple as that. But this time, apparently it wasn't. It nagged and nagged, creeping its way to the front of her mind. It pushed past the point of being an annoyance and morphed into a scorching burden. She had to ask it or it would consume her. But she couldn't verbalize it. It wouldn't come out.

Why are you even scared? He'd expect this sort of question, especially from you. 

It was the strangest thing. She knew that she was nervous and scared to ask him. But that had never been a problem. She'd never had an issue pushing him, personal subject or not. 

She finally got her answer, after she actually managed to ask the question. 

Ashley weaseled her way into the conversation again. Maybe she brought her up. Maybe Tim did. She honestly couldn't focus on the details. 

Tim would be disappointed.

Shaking her mind free of thoughts of the like, she broke through the walls. "Be honest, can you see yourself married to her?"

He took a moment but finally said, "I can."

It was then that she realized why she had been scared. 

She, for the first time in the course of their TO/Rookie, Sargent/Sargent's aide, and now whatever they were, hadn't wanted him to agree with her.

She couldn't yet figure out why.

Why her heart dropped the moment he said so.

Why her face felt like it was on fire.

Why her hands started to shake.

Was it possible to get sick so suddenly?

So she got the question out in the open and she got her answer. Typically, that was enough to satisfy her.

This time, it wasn't.

Her mind went into overdrive, picking apart the moment, analyzing her every bodily reaction, scrutinizing the outside factors. She could find nothing and it was eating her up from the inside out.

~~~

Her mind was still on fire and there was no simple way to dunk it in an ice bath. But now she was going home. She was going to take a bath, drink a decent serving of wine, and hopefully get a restful sleep. 

She stopped short at the sight she was witnessing play out through the window. All of her plans of relaxation for the evening ditched her and ran in the other direction. 

Tim and Ashley were out front. He got down on one knee. She could barely see Ashley's profile, but she took a half step back, covering half her face with both her hands. A typical reaction of surprise. Within the matter of those few seconds, Lucy had another answer but a dozen more questions.

When Tim got down on that one knee, he crushed her heart underneath it.

Because she didn't want him to ask Ashley to marry him.

Because she didn't want Ashley to have the opportunity to say yes.

Because she was in love with Tim. 

She couldn't watch this or else she was certain she would reject her lunch and she did not want to have to explain to anyone why she threw up in the middle of the hallway. 

So she spun on her heel and ran the other way, chased by only more questions. 

I'm in love with Tim? I'm in love with Tim! No, no, no. This cannot happen. Well shoot, it did. How? Why? When?...WHAT?

She couldn't. She just couldn't. 

So she kept running, taking the long route to her car which allowed her to completely bypass where the happy couple must be affectionately celebrating. 

She got in, silently.

She turned the key.

She drove, silently.

And drove, and drove, and drove.

She stopped her car in a familiar cemetery. No one else was there.

No one heard her scream.

No one saw her get out and walk to the grave of her best friend and fall on her knees in front of it.

Through her mascara-tinted tears, she broke down as she choked out the words to him.

"I'm in love with him, Jax. I'm so in love with him. I wish, I wish so badly that you were here right now. You-you-you'd take me in your arms and let me just cry over how horrible this situation is. You wouldn't tell me it was wrong. You'd only let me get it all out. Then you'd tell me to pick a tv show while you went out to get me ice cream. And we'd watch tv. And it wouldn't hurt any less. But then the next night, you'd get me to dress up in something hot and take me out to a club to help me forget. Maybe even find some poor guy who could distract me. 

It might take a few more days of junk food and all sorts of ridiculous activities, but we'd get to a point where you could just tease me. You'd tease me all the time until the fact that I'm in love with him would no longer make me cry. I'd no longer be embarrassed. I'd only laugh along with you.

Jax, I miss you so badly. I'd give anything to have you back right now."

The tears consumed her as the sky opened up and released its own tears. Soon she was drenched, the cold tears of the sky mingling with her warm, salty ones. 

Eventually, she stood.

Eventually, she got back in her car.

Eventually, she went back to the apartment.

Eventually, she fell asleep. 

She woke up, burning with a fever.

So she called off of work and slept the next two days, trying to convince herself that that night had just all been a bad dream. 

A/N 2: I'm really proud of this. I'm anticipating Sunday with 50% excitement and 50% dread. Chenford will not die, but I will go down with this ship. Chenfordians unite!