ALLAGRUGOUS

Chapter Eight - Unlocked Doors

After that extremely long and awkward drive, we pull into the driveway. I make no move to get out, I don't have the strength to walk all the way into the house. Then climb the old, creaky, wooden stairs all the way to my room. No one makes any move to get out either, which is weird, but I don't comment on it. They all most likely have the same thought process as me. They did just get done working out.

"Is she asleep?" Anthony whispers to no one in particular. "I think so. Y'all just head inside I'll grab her. She's had a long day." James says in a low voice. I smirk to myself knowing that I will get carried to my room. I do a victory dance in my head.

 "James She is no longer 3 years old. She can walk just wake her up." Noah deadpans, making Arlo chuckle. 

"Yeah, I know, but I was harsh today and she did have to ride a bus for 4 hours. Have you noticed her eye bags? It looks like she hasn't slept in ages." James says back.

 "I saw them, but I didn't want to say anything to her. I hope she's getting enough sleep." Anthony conveys with a worried tone. My heart sinks to my ass hearing that. What else could they have noticed?

"She's probably just been up all night with her friends at the art program. She'll be fine. Now get out, so I can get out. I am never sitting in the middle again." Arlo groans.

 "Okay, okay, I'm getting out." Noah snorted. Everyone started getting out, but I was clearly staying put. I peek out of my eye to see James coming around the front of the car and to the passenger side door to come get me. I close my eyes as he gently opens the door, not wanting me to "wake me up." He reaches across me to unbuckle my seat belt. He gathers me in his arms and I pretend to wake up.

"Go back to sleep. I got you." James murmurs. I just close my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder. He turns around, walking into the house not even bothering to shut the door. He walks up the front steps and into the house. 

"Hey, go shut the car door and grab her stuff, Noah." 

"What? Why I gotta do it?" Noah groans. 

"Because I said so.'' James curtly reply's back. I can hear the smugness in his voice, all too familiar with that excuse. He knows we all hate it when he says that. James turns right to go up the stairs as Noah groans while dragging his feet on the floor presumably going outside.

He goes straight up the stairs and then hangs a left heading for my room. He opens the door with his foot obviously not able to use his hands. James lays me gently on my bed before he throws one of my many throw blankets over me. His receding steps let me know that he is heading to the door. James closes it softly. I peaked through my eyes to make sure he's gone. I open my eyes all the way after I realize he has left. Fist bumps the air a couple of times with a huge smile on my face. I'm shocked, I can't believe they thought I was asleep. I could actually fall asleep right now, but I know that if I sleep now I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I hear someone coming up the steps, so I close my eyes again. Noah comes into my room and sets my luggage on the floor beside my door before shutting the door. Reopening my eyes before looking around my messy room. I really should clean it, but I'm not gonna do it. I barely have enough motivation to get up in the morning Not to mention cleaning my room. The boys always bitch at me about my room being messy but I just don't care anymore. Why does it matter if my room is dirty anyway? If they don't like my room, then they shouldn't come in it.

I push up off my bed to stand up needing to my closet to change into more comfortable clothes. It's hot in my room and since the boys think I'm asleep, I think it's safe to wear shorts. I grab a random pair of shorts that are on the floor of my closet that are most probably dirty. I'll change and then grab a tank top too, since it's hotter than hell in this house. Slipping off my hoodie and T-shirt before changing into my tank top. I turn around catching a look at myself in the mirror. Just the sight of my body makes me want to cry. Feeling disgusted with myself the longer I stare, but I have to know what my side profile looks like. I flip my body to the side while sucking in, but it doesn't look smaller if anything it looks bigger. I'm so hungry, but I need to lose the weight. I looked down at my stomach and reach my hands up trying to flatten it out. Maybe if I start working out more my stomach will be flatter, and my legs would also be smaller too so, that's a plus side.

Tears start making it down my face before I can even stop it. One after another, they just fall. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be effortlessly pretty like the other girls? I sit back down on my bed not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. Being sad all the time makes me miserable, but it's a comforting feeling. I just continue to cry. I think about what James said to me earlier today about him not liking the new me. I don't like myself either, the 'new me' or the old me. I know, he apologized, but I'm still upset about it. I can't believe he blamed me for something that I couldn't even control. A sob bubbles up from the back of my throat, making my hand automatically go up to cover my mouth. I don't want my brothers to hear me or asking me what wrong.

I don't know what I would say to them if they asked me what's wrong. Everything and nothing I don't know anymore. I'm just miserable all the time for no reason. I'm still alone, even though I am in a house full of people. My heart just wishes everything would get better on its own, But I know that's not how that works. I don't know how to get better hell I don't even remember when everything started going downhill. Now, everything is just an endless loop of me waking up, going through the motions of life and then trying to fall back asleep without crying. I don't get much sleep anyway, but I try. I don't know why, but for some odd reason I can go to sleep during the day for hours and hours, but during the night I just can't seem to will myself to go to sleep.

I wipe my eyes before heading to my vanity in the corner of my room. I look at myself and just feel numb. I go through the random stages of where I want to cry all the time to feeling nothing at all. My eyes are all red and puffy from crying, but I ignore it looking at the bags under my eyes. I'll have to buy more concealer to cover them up, if Anthony and James have already noticed it. I'm pretty sure Arlo got them off my tail for now, but I'll need to do something about them soon or they'll think something is up. I do not need a lecture about getting enough sleep.James and Anthony are on the couch, but I don't say anything to them. Hopefully, they didn't notice my eyes being puffy or red. I close the fire behind me and lock it. As if SOMEONE was supposed to do, I let out a scoff just thinking about it. I keep my eyes cast down not wanting to look at my face in the mirror. I turn on the cold water and bend down to splash my face. After I've done it a couple of times I shut the water off and grab a rag from under the sink to wipe off the rest of the water. I shut the light off and open the door before shutting it. I turn to the left going into the kitchen. Just as I walked through the entryway from the kitchen to the living room James stops me.
"Hey, you want to watch a movie before dinner?"

"No, I'm gonna go unpack." I tell him before I draw my lips into a straight line.

 "Oh, okay." He says, looking a little disappointed with my answer, but I truly do not want to be around him right now. Even though he apologized, he still hurt my feelings and I want him to know that. I do really need to unpack. Am I actually going to do that? No, but he don't need to know that. I climb up the stairs to go back up to my room. Once I make it to my room, I shut the door and flop down on my bed. I am way too tired to actually unpack. I grab my remote to watch some Netflix before dinner.

I don't know how I'm gonna deal with the dinner situation. I know they're going to ask about my trip and they're going to pretend that nothing even happened today, which I get, but at the same time I don't want to be around them. I love them, I really do, however, I just really want to be alone right now. Anthony always makes sure everyone eats before they go to bed, even James. It's a nice gesture, but right now I hate it. I'll just try to throw up my food after dinner when I go to take a shower. I'll turn the shower on before to make sure they won't hear me hopefully.I grab my phone, scrolling through Instagram not even really paying attention to the show I put on. I see everyone posting about their summer and their trips they had planned and I get a little jealous. I wish my summer had gone as great as I planned it to be. This is easily one of the worst summers I've ever had. To make matters worse school is about to start. I did enjoy New York though I just wish Me, Luca and Theo were on talking terms right now. I know it's my fault that we're not talking, but I don't know how to apologize. I wish I would've just kept my mouth shut that night on the roof. I never want anyone to find out about what's really going on. Everyone would be so disappointed in me, especially my brothers.

I close my eyes starting to feel the headache return. I just listen to the people talking on my TV trying to distract myself from the headache and from everything else. Hopefully dinner will go as planned and I won't have anything to worry about it anymore. If it works this will be my new routine. Instead of not eating I'll just throw everything back up.