First Heartbreak

25

"You came!" Gulat na sambit ni Xaviell, parang hindi makapaniwala na nandito nga ako.

I guess just like me, he knows that us, meeting here, isn't just about seeing each other. It means more than that. It means that I'm actually choosing to get out of my comfort zone, sacrificing what I'm used to—isolating myself to avoid getting hurt.

Tipid akong ngumiti sabay tango. "Yeah... but here's the thing: I can be selfish, entitled, doubtful, and I put myself down to the point that it's annoying."

"I unconsciously hurt others but no matter how much I try to be nice without looking fake, I still end up hurting those around me—the people I care about... I end up being mean and as if I don't care... I might do something that will hurt you, which would then make you leave. And if you do leave, it'll hurt me as well..."

Sandali akong napapikit, dinadama ang samu't saring emosyong nararamdaman. A part of me is scared that he might realize that I'm not worth all these troubles. I'm scared that he might see me and think of me the way I see and think of myself.

It's scary because even though I know that I shouldn't care about what people think about me, the opinions of those I treasure still matter to me. Xaviell matters to me.

Pero kahit nakakatakot, alam kong kailangan kong sabihin ang mga iyon. It's better that he gets a glimpse of what it'll be like to be with me. Mas mabuti nang alam niyang ganito ako bago pa kami may masimulan. At least I wouldn't have to live up to any standards.

"But this is me, Xaviell," pagpatuloy ko. "I'm still trying to be better... still trying to let go of my toxic traits... but as of this moment, this is me..."

Sandali akong napayuko bago siya ulit hinarap. May mga pagkakataon talaga katulad na lang ngayon na hindi ko talaga makaya ang intensidad ng kaniyang tingin.

"This is Valentina, your so-called Valentines... she's aware of her shortcomings and she's trying... but if you're looking for all-sunshines and rainbows, all the pretty and glitters, always-smiling and positive, she's not it. Take it or leave it."

Napapikit ako, medyo natatakot sa magiging sagot niya. Pero 'di bale na, ang importante, nasabi ko na ang mga gusto kong sabihin. The fact that I actually braved this situation is a small step forward.

I've never been this vocal especially about my "insecurities" but I'm glad I spoke up. Yes, I feel uncomfortable but not all discomforts are bad. Some signifies growth.

I'm scared but also feeling free at the same time.

Minulat ko ang mga mata at nakitang nakatuon pa rin sa akin ang kaniyang tingin. Napakagat-labi ako nang may mapagtanto.

They say that no response is a response. Some would say silence means yes but I don't think that's the case here. Maybe I was right. Maybe he realized that I'm not worth all these trouble.

Napasinghal ako sabay tango sa kaniya. Tatalikuran ko na sana siya pero mabilis niya namang hinawakan ang palapulsuhan ko sabay hila sa akin papunta sa kaniya.

"Where are you going? I haven't even said anything..." he said with a sigh, his hand caressing my hair while the other was on my waist.

I leaned on his chest and I couldn't help but feel immensely comforted by his warmth.

"I'll take any chance you give, Valentines, whatever it is... I'll gladly take it..."

Umalis ako sa pagkakahilig sa kaniyang dibdib at saka siya hinarap. Masuyo niya akong tinitigan habang parang nagsiguluhan naman ang kalooban ko dahil sa narinig.

Sinubukan kong pigilan ang mga ngiti pero mahirap. Napakagat-labi na lang ako sabay tango at ganoon din ang ginawa niya.

"So... we're no longer civil?" Aniya sa namamanghang tono. The corner of his lips rose as he leaned on the railings. "Uhmm... friends? Acquaintance?"