Disconnected ; Lashton

3. Yesterday's Feelings

I felt alright all morning, but now that I'm actually in public, I'm kind of freaking out. I stare at people and watch as they pass me in different directions. A lot of them are smiling and laughing, talking to the people with them. I feel jealous. They're so carefree, I can't imagine myself ever achieving that. Can they all see how scared I am? They must be able to, I stick out like a sore thumb. In the sea of people, my mum grabs my sleeved wrist and leads me around at her side. I'm like a small child who has to be watched at all times. It's a little embarrassing to be dragged around like this, but if she wasn't keeping me closes then I'd probably be having a panic attack.

Shopping for school supplies is boring and I'm antsy since all I want to do is go to the clothes district, so I stand around with my headphones on whilst my mum does most of it for me. We get to the register and load everything onto the conveyer belt. I'm reading the labels on several different packs of gum when my mum does a 180.

"I forgot to get dividers for your binder! I'll be right back!" She hurries off and I feel my soul leave my body. What the fuck. Why would she leave me here like this? She knows how I feel about being around people! Well, nothing I can do now but try and avoid making eye contact with anyone. The cashier continues to swipe things and every beep makes me more anxious. Almost everything is scanned and she's still not back yet. Oh god, this is the end for me. Beep. Beep. Beep. No more beeping. She's still not back yet and there's an old woman in line behind me.

"That'll be forty-nine-twenty-two." The cashier says. I look her in the eyes and shift my gaze from one eye to the other, unable to really focus on what she looks like since I'm freaking the hell out. I open my mouth to try and tell her my mum will be back soon, but nothing comes out. She gives me a weird look and I close my mouth. My heart is pounding in my chest and I'm sure it's about to explode until I see my mum arrive at last.

"I couldn't find the dividers after all. You can survive without them." I glare at her. I almost had a heart attack, just for that?

Ultimately, I make it out of the store alive and steady my breathing.

"Ready for clothes shopping?" Mum asks me. I nod my head furiously and she laughs at me.

"Alright, alright! There are a few places we can visit, any preferences?" I look across the parking lot towards where the clothing stores begin and see a place I haven't heard of before, but I can see mannequins wearing black clothes through the front windows. I point at it and mum follows the direction of my finger.

"Ah, an interesting choice there. Let's get on with it, then!" She links her arm with mine and drags me forward once more.

When we make it into the store, they're playing a song I faintly recognize and I immediately spot a million things I like. There are so many options to choose from, I don't know where to start, so I end up spinning in a circle from looking around. I stumble back in surprise when a woman approaches me.

"Hi, can I help you with anything?" She asks cheerfully. Yes, you probably could help me, but I can't exactly express that.

"Oh sorry, we'll be fine!" Mum is at my side again, doing the talking for me.

"Great, the men's dressing rooms are at the far back wall over there if you need them." The men's dressing rooms. She saw me as a man. And oh my gosh, I'm going to be inside a men's dressing room. I don't think it will be any different from a women's dressing room, but it's the experience that matters. She saw me as a boy. If she did, then everyone else will too, right?

I browse through shelves of jeans and pick up several different pairs of the "super-skinny" kind in what I think is my size, all black. Some have rips in the knees, or a zipper on the pocket, one pair even has some hardware safety pins attached to the thigh. I could get some that aren't black, but I honestly think I'd end up never wearing them.