In the last four days, I’ve been clean. It feels crazy, but it’s true. Something new I’ve come to experience is the feeling of satisfaction I get when I look at my arms and don't see any new additions to my… collection. I feel sort of, proud? Then again, the urge to relapse is strong, so I won't let myself feel proud for too long. If and when I mess up, I know the guilt will be much too overwhelming.
The fact that Ashton knows I’m struggling has made things better, somehow. He doesn't know the finer details, but he knows enough. I guess we really are a lot alike, having someone know I’m not okay just… helps.
But it also kind of keeps me up at night. When I’m trying to sleep, I find myself wondering if Ashton is awake too, thinking about me. Is he losing sleep from worrying? I hope not. I really, really hope not.
And you know, I always wanted to be more like Ashton, to be happy like him, to be so caring and open, but behind everything, I was like him all along. Well, to some degree. He’s still doing much better than I. But I want that to change. I want to get better. Really, I do. I want to get better so I can smile and laugh with him and know that I’m not putting on a happy face even a little bit. I want to get better so I can become closer with Michael and Calum. I want to get better for my mum. My sweet mum, who does everything for me. She gave me this life, more than once. I want to give it back to her tenfold.
I roll out of bed and check the time, it’s already noon and I haven't done anything but sleep all day so I get up and jog downstairs to the kitchen. My mum kisses my head as I pass her and it leaves a smile on my face.
“Enjoying your day off, hun?” She asks cheerily.
“Mm-hm.” I hum in reply. No matter how hard I seem to try, I still can’t talk to her as I wish. I’ve made a habit of being as verbal as I can by humming, reminding myself not to hold in laughter, and practicing guitar in my room when I know she can hear me, but that’s as far as I can go. Maybe if I was drunk I’d relax enough, but I’m not too keen on relying on alcohol for anything. Plus, hangovers suck even more than I thought they would. Although, having the cutest boy in the world wake you up with painkillers and water isn't too bad. The aforementioned cutest boy in the world would be Ashton, if that wasn't obvious.
“Want anything for breakfast?”
“Mmm…” I hum in thought, glancing around the kitchen. Nothing looks particularly appetizing and it’s already lunchtime so I’ll probably just have something big and skip out on breakfast food completely.
“Mm-mm.” I hum with a shake of my head. I pour myself a glass of water as my mum finishes cleaning some dishes and checks the clock on the wall.
“Oh! I gotta go pick up your man pills right now.” I nearly choke on my water from laughter as I lean over the counter. My ‘man pills’ is what my mum refers to my testosterone as and it's always as funny to me as it was the last time I heard it.
“Luke! You have a visitor!” She calls from the hallway. I follow her voice to our front door and my smile only widens at the sight of Ashton.
“Hi, Luke! Sorry for coming over unannounced, Liz.” He says in a bright tone.
“Oh, it’s alright, you know I’m always happy to see you. I gotta run but I’ll be back soon, if you go out just text me, kay?”
“Will do, bye!” As soon as my mum shuts the door behind her Ashton engulfs me in a hug that squeezes my giggles out.
“I missed you, cutie.” His words write themselves onto my neck with his breath and force a blush to rise up it with them.
“I saw you yesterday.” I laugh.
YOU ARE READING
Disconnected ; Lashton
FanfictionLuke is left mute from the trauma of being shunned by his father after coming out as trans. He's hurt, alone, and self destructive. He blames himself for every little thing and carries his guilt with him everywhere. Things feel like they'll never ge...
