As Ashton and I drive through neighborhoods to get to Michaels house for band practice, I take in the sight of Christmas decorations slowly but surely being put up. Now that it’s December, people are getting into the holiday spirit. Not me though, that’s for sure.
How could I possibly be jolly when I’m debating over whether or not to break things off with the boy I’m in love with?
At this point, I haven't done it because I’m waiting to see if he does it first. Maybe it’ll hurt less if he’s the one to end things. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. It’ll feel like a knife in my chest regardless of who says the word. It already does feel like a knife is there, so maybe when it actually happens, the breakup will be the knife being pulled out of my chest. Then my blood will really spill. I guess it’s a good thing I’m used to seeing my own blood, huh?
There’s just no way that Ashton wants to stay with me after what happened the other day. He said he wasn't mad but frustration is pretty close to anger, right?
A tension surrounds the two of us even as we make it into Michaels attic, and I guess Michael senses it too.
“What is up with you guys today? Witness a murder or something?” He jokes. Calum raises his eyebrows as he glances at us from across the room.
“I think we just need some air. Walk with me, Luke?” Ashton asks. I hold my tears in as I nod my head. Here it comes. I follow Ashton back out of Michaels house and he takes my hand in his. Likely for the last time. Instead of sitting on the curb or getting in his car, he leads me on a walk down the street. I expect us to stop at some point but we keep going for a while until we reach a park. It’s more overcast outside than usual so no one’s around.
“Let's sit down and talk.” He suggests. With a heavy heart, I sit next to him on a bench under a beautiful tree. It’s the same type of tree we always sit under during lunch at school. It reminds me of all of the laughs and wonderful moments we’ve shared. Same with Mikey and Cal. After this, will I see them anymore?
“I’m still sorry about the other day. I know I came off harsh. I just care about you and I want to help you through this. I don’t want us to fight. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or nervous around me, ever. Can we just start over?” I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and the sickness in my stomach lessens slightly.
“So you’re… not… breaking up with me?” I ask hesitantly. He blinks and turns his head in surprise.
“What? No! Hell no I’m not breaking up with you.” He replies adamantly.
“But… why?” I ask, blushing at the way my voice squeaks. Stupid testosterone.
“Why?” He breathes out through his nose and turns his body towards me. He stares me right in the eyes and whilst it’s a bit intimidating, I can’t help but like it. The leaves of the tree cast shadows on his face and put colors in his shining hazel eyes. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and he’s sitting right in front of me.
“I know you don’t think so, but you’re perfect to me, Luke-”
“No, I’m not.” I interject.
“I’m not perfect to you. You don’t know me. You don't know the part of me that could never be perfect. If you did, you’d see why you need to break up with me.”
“Luke, I-”
“My dad told me he loved me and he still left me. He had to leave. I told him I was a boy and that was it for him. He hated me and he had every right to. My mum wouldn't stay with him because of it, because of me. That was my fault, everything always is. I ruin things. I hurt people, even the ones who love me. People who love you still leave when the things wrong with you get to be too much for them. I’m not normal, Ash-”
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Disconnected ; Lashton
FanfictionLuke is left mute from the trauma of being shunned by his father after coming out as trans. He's hurt, alone, and self destructive. He blames himself for every little thing and carries his guilt with him everywhere. Things feel like they'll never ge...
