Isobel Asks The Internet

XX - The Decoy Operation

I created a fake event to lure my enemy into a trap! What should I do now?

Hey everyone!

So, a while back my friend Emma was killed after being caught up in a coordinated arson attack on our town's beloved hedge maze, and I had taken it upon myself to organise her funeral. To be honest, I didn't really know her all that well, so I basically just invited everyone who came to Mavis's funeral (NOT Brindie and Debra). Emma used to work at Mallory's restaurant before she was fired for being kidnapped by Rhonda, so I also invited everyone who worked there in case they wanted to pay their respects to their deceased colleague.

To begin with, the service was deeply successful, and everyone seemed to be having a great time; Katie's parents did the catering again, and everyone was asking them for their secret recipe for Hainanese Chicken Rice (Katie's mum was getting SO annoyed at this). While I was sitting down to eat, Heini came over to me and told me that there was a problem that required my attention in the lady chapel; I sighed and assumed that Nigella had disturbed someone's grave, however when I got to the side-room I was THUNDERSTRUCK to see someone tied up and slumped against the altar. 

I looked closer and saw that it was MARLENE!

I grabbed a golden candlestick and advanced towards her, ready to find out what act of vile depravity she had planned for this most solemn of events. Heini grabbed me before I could advance any further and told me that Marlene said that she wanted to talk; naturally Heini had neutralised her before she could disrupt the service. As Marlene had been restrained with iron-clad chains, I decided that it would be safe to extend a luscious hand of mercy towards her, and allow her to speak. 

Marlene told us that she had been disenchanted with the actions of Brindie and Debra for a while now, and the destruction of the hedge-maze was the last straw. Also, it turns out that Marlene was Emma's second cousin once removed (omfg) so she was PISSED at Brindie for indirectly murdering her. She then told me that she had never even really blamed us for the death of Mavis. I was stunned to hear these revelations, but I was suspicious that this could be a ploy to lure us into the jaws of the beast. However, Marlene said that she could help us to lure Brindie into a trap, and my eyes were opened to the possibilities of such an alliance. 

We were strategised about how we could use Marlene to lure Brindie somewhere that she would be outnumbered. I couldn't think of what we could possibly do, when a glaringly obvious, yet FOOLPROOF idea suddenly struck me; we should organise a staged wedding on a boat in international waters and invite Brindie as Marlene's plus-one!

Naturally, everyone was very impressed by my idea. I decided that I could get my employees at the supermarket to act as the wedding guests (as well as the marital couple themselves). Because my management had been SO successful and profitable for the supermarket, head office didn't mind if I needed to close the supermarket for a day or two for personal reasons. When it came to picking who would act as the married couple, I picked Laurel and Barney who both worked in the charcuterie department. Laurel was married with triplets, but I knew that she'd had an affair with Barney while she was engaged, so I could trust them to be convincing. I had to pick a straight couple, as Brindie had recently had SUCH a huge fight recently with this one chick named Anna who sells lesbian-themed bathroom accessories at the local marketplace; for all I knew, she might refuse to attend a non-heterosexual marriage.

I asked Heini to rent a large yacht that we could use; because she is a locally-celebrated freelance lifeguard, I knew that no one would ask to see her boating license (which she doesn't have YET). Once we had the boat, I moved the furniture that we'd left in the church from Emma's funeral onto the boat, and arranged everything to make it look more suitable for a wedding. Recently, my supermarket had been delivered 100 crates of dried bay leaves (instead of 10) so I used the leftover 90 crates to decorate the boat; it looked incredibly delicious and smelled professional. For the catering, I just got all of our expired food that we were going to throw out and put it on a buffet table; because we had SO much granola to get rid of, it didn't even matter that the milk was beginning to thicken, as many people would want Greek yoghurt anyway. 

So as to not raise Brindie's suspicions, I couldn't invite too many people that she would recognise. I knew that I had to keep it limited to guests who were strictly necessary, so I only invited Heini, Katie, Mallory, Nigella and Zelda-Mae. I did also invite Renata and Xena from the newspaper society, because I thought that the event would make an excellent public interest story (almost everyone at the university was PISSED at Brindie for burning down the hedge maze). It was also essential that Debra did not find out about our plans, as she could warn Brindie that the wedding was actually a trip.

We all arrived at the boat before the guests arrived to make sure that everything was set up properly. We then realised that it was SO important that Brindie didn't see us, otherwise she would instantly know that the wedding was fake. There weren't really many places on the boat where we wouldn't be seen apart from from the wheelhouse, which was perfect as Heini was going to be driving anyway. Plus, the security operating system was located in there so we could monitor any situations that evolved. The wheelhouse was really only big enough to fit three people in there comfortably,  and there were eight of us, plus our dresses, fascinators, heels and Xena's photography equipment, but we made it work. I had decided to wear a daring silk gown, the colour of a freshly landed avalanche.

The deputy manager of the supermarket, Marceline was in charge of orchestrating the "wedding"; she was acting as the wedding planner, which explained why she was wearing a headset (which we had wired up to the boat's radio system). I'd asked the priest who had helped me host both Mavis and Emma's funerals to officiate the ceremony; I had to tell him that the wedding was real as he considered a fabricated holy ceremony to be an affront to God, however I knew that God would be able to see the bigger picture. Finally, I made Britney the bartender for the event, and told her that she was ONLY allowed to give Brindie alcohol.

There was only one seat in the wheelhouse, so we all nestled into various crevices (padded by our dresses) to watch the feed from the security cameras. After about 20 minutes, we saw Marlene, accompanied by Brindie, enter the fragrant reception hall of the boat, where the "guests" were mingling. Brindie was wearing a moss-green pantsuit, fastened with pearl-coloured buttons; I thought that it was in such poor taste to wear white to a wedding, but I could not say that I was surprised to witness yet another SICKENING display of barbarism from her. We decided to wait until the ceremony was underway before launching our operation.

We had drawn up the seating plans so there would be a place for everyone during the ceremony, except Brindie. Sandy, who we had asked to act as the usher, would instruct Brindie to stand at the back of the room, beneath a particular ceiling tile which was directly underneath the wheelhouse (which is where we were). This is where we would enact our plan.

As soon as the ceremony had began, we waited for Brindie to be placed into the correct position, before removing the ceiling tile. Another item that the supermarket had been delivered SO much of was golden syrup, and although I was more than capable of inspiring customers to purchase the viscous substance en masse, I had more important plans for it. We had all helped to pour the syrup into a HUGE bucket, and we were waiting for the right moment to strike. As soon as it was apparent that Brindie's attention had been grabbed by the wedding, we quickly poured the syrup through the gap in the floor.

We had greased the bucket before adding the syrup, so it fell out in one thick glob, and as it struck Brindie she fell to the floor. The congealing ooze coated her from head to toe, and pooled around her splayed form, however we had asked everyone else at the wedding to carry on with the ceremony as if nothing had happened. Seizing our opportunity, we all bustled downstairs and each grabbed a handful of decorative bay leaves. Marlene joined us with a fistful of her own dried herbs, and we all ran up to Brindie to coat her in the spiny aromatics. Brindie was screaming SO loud but the syrup was restricting her movements. I was also disgusted to see that she was intoxicated, and she quickly fell unconscious. We stored her in a cupboard for the rest of the journey, and carried on with the celebrations.

When we got back to the shore, Brindie was still unconscious. The syrup had dried on to her skin, and the bay leaves were NOT coming off. We decided that the most sensible thing to do would be to leave her on a small fishing boat; it was the evening, and no one was around, plus whoever found her would just assume that she was hungover. Anyway, the priest accidentally married Laurel and Barney, so they're being investigated for criminal charges of committing polygamy. I also phoned the bay leaf supplier to complain about the extra stock and they said that we didn't have to pay for them, so overall I'd say that my plan was executed with incredible success.

Was there anything I could have improved? Do you think Brindie will have learned her lesson from this experience? Can we really trust Marlene?