𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐌𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐌𝐈 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎

𝐇𝐈𝐃𝐃𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

ʚ𝐘/𝐍'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕ɞ

I couldn't even look at my paintbrush let alone pick it up, so I just sat there staring at my empty canvas that ironically reflected how I was feeling right now.

Empty.

Usually throwing my emotions into my art was the most therapeutic reliever, allowing all of my feelings to conquer the page rather than my body. But not this time. This time I felt it all in waves. One moment I was numb and I felt nothing, and then the next I felt everything. It hit me so strongly that I had no time to catch my breath and suddenly I was drowning. I couldn't breath, I couldn't scream, I could only feel. So in those moments when the waves hit, I allowed myself to feel it, until the waters calmed and I was numb again.

It's almost funny how easily people break their promises, as if they meant nothing and as if they never intended to keep them at all. So when you think about it, it was never even a promise, just a lie wrapped in a pretty disguise. But I was naïve. I believed every word that fell from his lips and cherished his promises as I gave him my own.

I'll give it to him though, he had me fooled.

He fed me lies of reassurance that he was going to stay, and I slowly became addicted to the sweetness of his empty words, unaware that they were built on a foundation of misplaced trust. The concept of trust has always been a difficult one for me to grasp. I've never felt comfortable confiding in people no matter how much they told me that I can trust them.

But my walls weren't just broken down, they were completely and utterly obliterated by the storm that is Megumi Fushiguro

He appeared out of no where like a sudden rainstorm that makes everyone run for shelter. But I didn't run, I remained where I was, relishing in the feeling of the rain against my skin, his touch leaving an electrifying trail wherever it fell.

Now I wish I ran for shelter.

The worst part of relying on a sole person, is the moment they disappear, leaving you with no one. I want nothing more than to scream right now. Scream at him, scream at myself and scream at the world for being so cruel. But I don't.

He left me, knowing that I had no one to go home to, not a shoulder to cry on or a pair of ears to listen, he left me to wallow alone in my own misery. And I hate him for that. But in this moment, I crave the embrace of my mother. I want to hear her voice as her arms crush me into her chest, whispering that everything will be okay.

Even though I knew everything wouldn't be alright, these feelings wouldn't just suddenly disappear, in that moment, with my mothers arms around me, I would've felt at peace. But she is dead and I would never feel her arms around me again or her sweet voice whispering to me that everything would be fine.

It seems the list of people who were meant to stay by my side but didn't, continues to grow.

Although, I can't lie and say that Megumi's departure doesn't hurt the most, because it does.

He chose to leave.

It's been 4 days, and it's still the only thing on my mind.

I decided that I was going to look through some of my parents old things, I needed to get Megumi off of my mind and I was wanting to feel closer to them. It's been so long without them that I can barely remember their smiles. The only vivid memory of their faces is one that I wish I didn't remember. Their last moments.

So I began flicking through old photo albums and digging through boxes of random items from my childhood. None of it was that interesting though. That was until I came a cross a small book buried at the bottom of a large box.

The name Emma L/n, engraved on to the front.

My mothers name.

I picked it up carefully as it was so obviously fragile, with its cracked spine and pages falling out of the sides. It must be the diary that my grandma was talking about, the one that I never knew existed. I flick through it, reading pages
and pages of my mothers life from before she had me and after. It was sweet reading about her, and how she met my father.

She's written all about how he perused her in high school, how he would show up at her desk every day with a new pick up line and a different flower until she agreed to go on a date with him. She
eventually agreed and well, they got married years later.

Throughout the years the entries remain light hearted and she sounds so in love with my father. But as I get to the last pages, I notice she hasn't written as frequently and there's a drastic difference as to how she's speaks about my dad.

One entry in particular stands out.

He's not the same anymore, I cannot blame him for that and I hope she doesn't notice the difference in her fathers behavior. I sense the war still following him around and tormenting his mind. I just wish it would stop. It's starting to worry me. He wakes up screaming, I always calm him down and he falls back asleep. He's more paranoid, like everything and everyone is out to get him. He's trying to push me away, but I won't let him. I'm scared of losing the man I love. I worry that one day he will wake up in our bed, but his mind will be back on the front line. I'm worried that one day he will harm me or Y/n. I know he would never do it on purpose, but the mind loves to play tricks. I'm not scared he's going to kill me. But I'm scared of the fact that I'm so in love with him, that I would let him.

Till death do us part my love.

I feel like after reading that I should feel sad, I should be crying and grieving my mother all over again.

But in a fucked up kind of way I feel that now I have closure.

I have information beyond just my vague memories, and I know that she died loving my father beyond his pitfalls.

She stayed by his side even when he tried to push her away, all because she loved him.

It all hits me in that moment the familiarity of the situation. Megumi tried to push me away and I hated him for that, but I could never truly hate him. And now, after everything that's happened between us, I wish I realized it sooner. I wish I told him sooner.

That I love him.

I love Megumi Fushiguro

And I have to tell him.

雨