𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐌𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐌𝐈 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎

𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑

ʚ𝐘/𝐍'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕ɞ

To my Y/n,

I never asked if you like reading, and now I'll never get the chance to.

But for my sake and yours, I hope you will read this letter before you decide to hate me forever. Maybe this will redeem my actions, or maybe not, but either way I cannot undo what is done. I have tried to write this a few times, each attempt ending with a scrunched up piece of paper tossed away because I couldn't find the words to say, the words that you deserved to hear from my lips rather than my hand.

But that was the reason why I chose to leave you in the way I did. I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you how I felt, knowing that soon I wouldn't be feeling anything at all. More than anything, I wish that I could go back and change things, never let myself fall into such a bad place that I thought the only escape was to fall further.I wish I knew that touching a cigarette would inevitably mean that would never get to touch you again.

Regret is something that I never wanted to feel. I wanted to live my life, not to its
fullest but to my fullest, experiencing every day as it came and not wanting anything more. I didn't care about impact because I never imagined that my life would entwine with someone else's, or that I'd wake up every day and fall asleep every night wishing that I wasn't alone anymore. I was content with my own self destruction, welcoming it with open arms, until you showed up and suddenly I didn't want to disappear anymore.But now I regret everything I did that made it so I can't experience a life with you, because a life with you was a life worth living.

Now I could spend the remainders of my time listing all the maybes and how things could have ended differently, but I'm not going to waste my time on maybes when I know one thing for absolute. I am, I was and I always will be absolutely and unconditionally in love with you.It may feel like I'm throwing those words in here to distract from my actions or to convince you not to hate me, but I've never meant anything more than I mean those words.I love you Y/n, so damn much that it pains me because I'll never get love you the way that you deserve to be loved, the way that I wanted to love you.

I've never experienced love in my life but if I was to ever have been loved by someone, I would hope it was you. And it hurts because I need to you hate me but I want you to love me and I'll never get to know whether you do or not.

I fell for you harder than any downpour, but even the rain has to stop falling eventually.

Even as I sit here, knowingly living my last moments all I can think about is my promise to you and how I broke it and how I'm breaking it again.

My intention was to hold on to that promise and never let it go, but it all changed on the day that I walked away from you. I won't bore you with details as I'm sure you've found my journal that I left for you. But I was diagnosed before I met you. I was supposed to get better and that's why I let you in, that's why I promised not to leave you. But after I got told that the treatment wasn't working like it was supposed to and that I didn't have long, I knew that I couldn't keep my promise.

So I left. Without explanation I left like the coward you claimed me to be. So I don't want you to mourn me, I don't deserve your tears, but all I ask is that you don't forget me. Whether you curse my name as the man who never stayed or if you think of me fondly with a smile on your face, I'll accept either. Loving you was selfish, but letting you go was the most selfless thing I have ever done.I want to renew my promise, with a few changes. I can no longer say that I won't leave you, but I can promise that I will never, not even if there's a life after this one, I will never stop loving you Y/n. I'm not sure whether you kept it or if you even noticed it was there, but if you remember the flowers I gave you, there was one made of glass in the middle.I promised that I would never leave you until that flower dies, but now I'm promising to love you until it does instead.So I won't break my promise, as long as you don't break that flower.

Because I don't ever want to stop loving you. You are the kind of person that I always dreamt about, and I can't believe I got to experience you with my eyes open.

When I saw you for the first time in the rain, before I actually met you I never would have guessed that you would have such an immense impact on my life. But you did. And then you called me an asshole and from that moment on I was addicted. It took me time to realise that the girl from the coffee shop and the girl in the rain were the same person. But when I finally gathered all those pieces together they created the most beautiful picture.

Every memory with you, every moment is forever engraved into my memory like a tattoo on my brain, permanent and unwavering. Like the time you trusted me enough to get on my motorcycle or the time you held me when I cried on my mother's grave. You were there for me always, and it kills me that I can't be there for you.

But I want you to live Y/n, don't let your past hold you back from having a future and don't let me hold you back from having a future with someone else.You are my forever and I'm grateful for just being your for now.You always took my breath away.

But I fell in love with the way that loving you was easier than breathing.Although our time together wasn't easy, nothing in life ever is and nothing worth it ever comes without effort. And for you I was willing to do anything.I would burn the world to the ground if it meant I had the chance to dance with you, just one more time.I'll never forget that moment. How carefree and happy you looked with me in your arms and the rain hitting your skin. I couldn't take my eyes off of you and I didn't want to either. I only ever had eyes for you Y/n wish I had just told you how much I loved you when I had the chance.

But as much as I can wish, pray and beg for a second chance to be worthy of you, I know that this is the end of our story.

The end of me.

The end of us.

I even gave it a title like you give to your paintings.

This story, our story, I like to call it: The story of loving Y/n.

雨