My Life With My True Feelings

Depression (My depression)

(Curse Words) (and if you don't like talking about depression then read something else I guess idk)
Depression isn't just being sad or giving up in life,
It starts to become part of your life and how you look at every situation,
It will start out as your own little bubble or your own room that you create for yourself,
As the voices become louder,
The room becomes darker,
The room starts to close out the windows,
With no light to be seen,
Making you blind to everything you truly believe.....
and everything... you once knew,
You are so afraid of being alone
because you know that those voices....those demons will start to make you think what they want you to think,
I developed a fear of asking for help.....why you ask?
well.....because I will be a burden...,

That room starts to close the door and you're unable to open the door,
The room starts to get tighter
you can feel the walls reaching you,
Suffocating you and drowning you in your thoughts and pain,
As you finally got the courage to break the door and get out to reach out to the light
and breathe once again,
But you can't because those demons had chained you down
and every minute it gets heavier and harder to bare carrying around,
You start to break down as it drags you back to your room...
in the darkness,

Every single lie you say makes them stronger
 you don't want to accept that you are hurting yourself,
Telling yourself that "I am fine"
even though you know that you aren't fine,

You eventually see the light but it's too far for you to reach,
You get up with your weak legs that you harmed
and break down the walls,
And try to escape the darkroom,
But as you get closer to the light...the room starts to shift,
It becomes a hallway, dark alley, and then....it turns into your worst nightmare,

The hallway starts to be getting farther and farther away from the light
you tried to keep calm....but you can't,
You start to hear the voices telling you, 
"Come back. We will help you." 
"You will feel better after we are done." 
"Don't be afraid." 
trying to keep you in the darkness with them,
You refuse to listen and they start to yell and scream at you saying, 
"YOU PATHETIC B*TCH! 
IF IT WEREN'T FOR US HELPING  YOU, 
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN!
THAT'S WHY YOUR FRIENDS LEFT YOU!
THAT'S WHY YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOUR PARENTS
they keep repeating all of the horrible things you keep telling yourself every single fucking day,
You keep running as you are crying,
 I am tired of  harming myself mentally and pretending to smile around my friends,

You keep on running and running that seems forever,
You reach a new place,
Anxiety starts to rise as you see a dark and eerie alley,
You start to see shadows crawling and looking at you...smiling at you,
You see that they have stitches on their mouths,
They permanently made their mouth into a smile but their smile is way too wide,
Making it seem like a fake smile....that they want everybody to believe is their true identities,
"Don't you like our smile? Afterall...It's how you smile to those around you." 
they whisper to you as you're trying to find a way to escape this alley,
The shadows start to grab your arms and try to hold you down,
"Keep trying to tell yourself that you are grown out of this pain. And we will make those scars deeper."
They hold you down and grab your arms they put needles through your skin,
You can feel the needles in your skin....you start to ask for help and yell and you finally give up from fighting it,
They blind you and made you fall asleep...or that's what you thought,
You can feel your body moving and your lips moving even though your asleep,
The shadows repeat the same words to everybody who you are talking to,
"I am fine. Yeah, I'm tired because I stayed up late at night. I am okay."
You keep yelling at them to stop...but they don't listen to you,
You start to feel your emotions drowning you down...again,
Your emotions turn into the ocean waves that rise every hour only getting harder to handle the waves,
Like a tree in the fall, your tears start to fall down like the leaves that fall down into the ground,
Your thoughts and your mental health starts to rot,

Now you're in another place,
So many people with blurry faces,
You try to talk to them yet they're ignoring you,
Even my own family,
The sky turned blue,
The clouds turned grey,
Crows flew through the dark sky,
So many eyes turned to see me,
"Fat. Monster. Ugly. Bitch. Worthless.", repeating over and over again like a broken videotape,
Why can't I be free?
I knee to the ground letting out my ocean to this dark place,
I keep hearing angels trying to help me,
Yet my trust that they will help me is limited,

Why don't let others help me?

WHY ARE MY THOUGHTS SO DARK!?!

Am 
I 
really a good person?

Am 
I 
really a good friend?

Am 
I 
really myself?

......
Will
I 
ever
be
"fine"?

Maybe....
But till then I need to fight this fucking battle.

And I promise to not only my family,
but my friends 
That
I
Won't
Give
UP!
And I will not lose. 
I know that depression is a cycle. 
I know what will happen if i...end my young life.
So
I 
Will
Keep
FIghting!