My Life With My True Feelings

Sunshine (Unfinished)

Hello, my sweet sunshine.
Sorry for taking so long to escape this false paradise that you've stayed for so long.
But now we're together once again.
We both had walked through the same nightmare yet we're not the same.
You're from the angels above.
And I'm underneath you, in a place where everybody judges you from your book cover.
In a place where they never forgive your mistakes for a long time ago.
In a place where everybody is jealous of each other.
Where people only want money to show off their expensive house, cars, and etc.
I'm in a place where young students have anxiety and depression.
And where beauty standards can drag us to do insane stuff in order to feel "beautiful".
Which will make us look into the mirror and have different perspectives of ourselves.
You will see me as a beautiful young lady who is strong and is very passionate about her work and believes.
Somebody who no matter what has achieved so much and has gone through so much shit.
Yet she hasn't given up.
Meanwhile, all I can see from the mirror is a fat person who has been struggling to improve herself.
Somebody who had attempted to starve herself because she felt disgusted by what she saw in the mirror every day.
Somebody who has cried herself to sleep because she hasn't decided what she wants to become or do once she turns of age.

We both see each other differently even though we have the same body, eyes, and voice.
Yet we're both scared of the unknown, of growing up, and being isolated.
Even when we have the warmth and comfort from our loved ones.
Both of us crash against each other.
And when we do, nobody can tell us apart nor notice the difference of who is who.
After all, we've hidden in each other's shadow for a while now.
I know that our emotions overflow the bottles at times.
We even say stuff that we never meant to say.
Yet, our pride doesn't let us say the simple words, "I'm sorry."
Because we're so damn stubborn to accept our wrongs.
Even with that, we can somehow never learn from past mistakes nor read between the lines.
We only listen to the lies of the whispers of our paranoia and from our anxious mind.
In order to keep our design alive.
Because you, my sweet sunshine, you still have my living innocence of a child.
That small child who would always cry in her parent's arms whenever she felt like the world was tearing her apart.
Me and you had been designed to share kindness to those who're different from us.
Even if we do that....why do they intertwined their fingers with the string that control us?
Are we that gullible ? Are we so easy to manipulate ?
Is it because we have flowing amounts of empathy to others that we, ourselves, become much more vulnerable?
But why do we even bother making such a fuss?
Is it because, the many times we've been too trusting of that one person.
That one person who made us feel like we could tell her everything and she will understand us.
At that time we both knew deep down that friendship will turn toxic.
After all, we were changed to think that the false stories of that "friend" told us were actually just chaotic lies to an unfinished utopia.
In which slowly transformed into an dystopia
After all the stuff she made us go through.
Her lies to her story kept suffocating me and making both of us feel claustrophobic.
She will go against us. She was our enemy at some point.
She called us a "horrible and abusive friend". 
Even though we were always there for her, we were always on her side, we even let her use us as she called, "her diary".
After we solved the end of that Telenovela.
We can now tell the difference of her voice changing every time she lied.
We can still feel and relive those moments in which you helped me blur from my memory.
And after she left, we felt at ease.
No more drama, no more of her using her diary and putting ink onto me everytime she needed to release her thoughts, and most importantly of all no more l i e s.
Even with that, we still couldn't shake the feeling that, "What if she's right..am I just a bad friend after all?"
'Is that why people abandon us?'
"N-no, of course not...or is it? But sis told us that we were a good and kind friend..as well our other friends."
'What if they lied?'
"But why would they lie?"
'I don't know. But, you know that people lie all of the time. Nobody is who they say they are.'
After the long going debates between us.
We both were scared that it was true.
So instead of facing the truth we hide it under the many bottles of thoughts like the cowards that we are.
And we both agreed to blur it away from our concerns.
At night that's the time where me and you collide the most.
I will feel the need to use the blade of many knives to spill some of my blood into the bathroom sink.
Where it will flow away from me as I whimper silently from the pain.
But you never let me do it...instead you remind me of those promises.
You remind me that I'm human.
That we will fall to the grasp of the devil's wishes.
And which, God will never let me have my wings back nor see heaven to rest our soul.
So, I've never attempted it.
But every so often, I will see the kitchen knife or scissors near me.
And wonder...how deep will I be able to tolerate the pain?
Or when will be the last strike before everything crumples away from me.
And I finally resort to that sinful pain in which will somehow make me feel less betrayed by life.