Rivers growing every second,
every minute,
every day,
in my eyes.
Why am I always waiting for the goodbyes?
Because people leave you like the seasons.
Spring will never come back for you, instead, the winter will stay forever with you.
My grey skies are back.
So are the voices in your head.
Ready to put your shield to protect your precious innocence from being harmed?
I'm always tired and gasping for air.
Drowning in this ocean.
Its waves are growling louder than the last time the moon smiled back at me.
Who am I again?
I'm the once smiling and cheerful girl who've always find happiness even during the thunderstorms that will frighten her.
The once confident and brave warrior that had the strength to fight back. With its pure white wings to fly up in the heavens of God.
The believer that everybody deserves happiness. Yet she never remembered asking herself for her own.
She has never once been selfish for her own desires, yet she let those take advantage of her. Letting them push her around like a doll that you can control, play around with, and toss into the depth of the dark hole of the Forgotten Souls, once you were done with the game.
I'm still unaware of my surroundings.
Because I try to stay in my fantasies of where I will meet my savior.
Staying in a "perfect" paradise where everything will
be
okay.
I will always be longing for somebody to love me and stay long enough to know the real me.
Who wants to be with you?
Will they stay long enough to know the "real you"?
Broken
Girl.
Not the disguise of the quiet and shy girl.
You forgot that you have your own disguise of being brave and unbroken.
Broken
Doll.
But the girl who will always be laughing and being her weird and quirky self.
You're too weird for your own good.
Broken
And
Pathetic
Girl.
I wish I let others help me.
But you will never let other angels help the fallen angel to go back to heaven.
You will always be considered a sinner and a forgotten soul. As well as a devil.
Sometimes I wish I was more carefree and be able to love myself.
But you can't always be truly carefree, can't you?
Since all of your thoughts are in the dead sea of your mind.
Every emotion drains your energy like a low charged cellphone battery,
you stop caring about yourself and you became numb to the w o n d e r f u l pain.
The only enemy is yourself.
You
Kill
Yourself.
"Keep your head up and don't show your weakness", that's what I always tell myself.
But how long will you keep telling your human heart this?
How much longer will you be able to stop Us from tearing you apart?
But I've always known how to fool myself.
Your gentle flower will one day grow in this dark garden that thorns will slowly cut through your past self.
The bloodthirsty fangs of the demon being transformed from your sins will eventually devour you, young one.
Fooling oneself is the easiest thing to do, after all, you're afraid of accepting that you will eventually have to let go of your precious memories as well of loved ones.
All I can hear is silence even though I'm in the crowd with people talking.
Everybody makes assumptions about who you are and about other people.
They want to feel special, worth something and feel like they can spread their wings and fly free.
But they cant, CANT THEY?!
Everybody will end up grabbing the rope around their necks making l o v e l y nooses and leave their living hell in the past.
Just
like
your
friends.
I feel alone even though I'm with those who love and comfort me.
Remember the night you summoned me?
The night where you wanted to be soothed by my lullaby?
Those who you see are fake.
They will leave eventually.
Are you gonna be
"okay" after they leave their presence from your memory?
You can ONLY trust ME and yourself.
Nobody else can you trust.
I'm never truly alone aren't I?
After all, I've always seemed to cover myself into lies.
Should I just cover my innocence away from the hell that reality is?
Or should I reach out for help?
Reaching out for help makes you weak.
You're weak.
Weakling human.
Like glass your fragile every time you come back in this room you break.
But I wish it will stop. Why can't it stop? I'm getting better at dealing with my own demons.
But you're talking to one of them right now, darling.
You've gotten used to talking to me, haven't you?
But you keep forgetting our deal.
What deal? I've never done a deal with a demon-like you.
The deal was to commit suicide once you've completed your promises.
In order for you to feel free.
In order to feel in heaven like peace.
I stay silent as I see the black soulless demon's eyes.
My anxiety rises.
Why are you, silent darling? Did you really forget?
I'm no longer doing that. I have reasons to stay here and breathe.
What reasons? Tell me what these reasons are.
Because those reasons will turn to ash soon.
My reasons will always be the same no matter what you do to me.
No matter what life hits me with.
No matter what those around me say to me.
No matter whether....I'm slowly giving up I won't let that stop me from living for others.
I will stay here and watch my sisters grow up to adults.
I will stay here and start a family of my own.
I will stay here and take pictures for the next generations to see like my mother has done.
I will stay here and share my own story of my life.
I will stay here and share my emotions and thoughts through beautiful artwork.
What if you jump off the tenth floor and untie your hair and take off your shoes.
And look down from the rooftop and jump free to see those who've missed.
And see those who've you talked to through your dreams.
Wouldn't you want that?
No, I no longer want to.
And if I have to I will go through the hardships to survive this battle.
No matter how close I am from getting the razor and cutting through my fragile skin.
I won't give in to it.
Instead, I will fight with my remaining angelic wings that I have and go through my years to complete my undefined destiny to find my true self again.
Is that so darling, then we shall make it difficult for you not to give in to the desire.
After all, every hero falls and everything beautiful wilts away.
Everything you once know turns into ashes and into video tapes to watch later.
But...for now, you've escaped this room once again.
But you will come back once again.
Till then...watch your back.
Because next time it will be more intense.
YOU ARE READING
My Life With My True Feelings
PoetryIt's a poem that I did for fun. I hope yall will like it! (n u n) And I mostly express my feelings and with my sorrows. And I write about my depression at times and if I feel happy for once I will write a poem about it. (Btw this is the same just in...
