Two Minutes for Hooking

Chapter 6

One-timer: Shot that a player takes as soon as the puck reaches the players stick without taking the time to control it. (The Complete Hockey Dictionary)

Jocelyn

After James left, I decided to take a nice long bath and relax by finishing the book 
I had been reading before the game. It was rare that i had a few minutes to spend by myself so i took the opportunity to unwind.

I realized very quickly that the book in question was a very bad idea. Instead of the dashing young prince, I kept picturing James. His dark hair falling into his green eyes as he pulled me into his arms for a scorching kiss. His lips capturing mine, teasing little moans as his hands crept along my body. I decided I would not be able to focus on the story after all and, with a sigh, cut my bath short in favor of going to bed. 

I woke up the next morning at 4:45 on the dot wide awake after a vivid dream. In my dream, James had me pinned up against his locker at the arena doing all sorts of deliciously naughty things to me. Needless to say, I awoke flustered and breathless. Also, apparently my subconscious decided to forget that locker rooms were all sorts of nasty.
I shivered, the dream had been so real and yet, the idea of doing anything remotely sexual in a locker room made me feel more than a little queasy.

I was equally surprised that it was the first night in recent memory where I hadn't had a nightmare about my ex. 

Most nights, when I was deep asleep, I would dream about the night I found my ex hooking up with a girl in the maintenance closet after a game. It was always the same, I would feel the humiliation and the hurt and anger over and over again. Like it was fresh and new and not like it was something that had happened months ago. 

Other nights I would have a dream about all the little signs I had missed about what a complete and utter loser he was. Things like telling me I was never going to make it in hockey, and that respectable women didn't play sports. Telling me I needed to do my makeup and put on a dress before we went anywhere. Always angling his phone screen away from me but obsessively checking mine. Never letting me stay over at his place, claiming his roommates were pigs. Or sneaking out from my place in the middle of the night. 
But i think the worst ones, were the ones where we would fight about the used condoms i would find in his garbage. He would tell me they were just from masturbating because he didn't like the mess and every time, i would believe him.  Every time i  think about it, i get so upset and ashamed of myself all over again. Which was probably the reason for the reoccurring nightmares. 

Some delusional part of me thought that Sam had really loved me and that he would get over any issues with me playing when I finally made the olympic roster. 

When i caught him cheating, I almost took him back. I can't even say that he had his sweet moments, because in reality, he didn't. What i thought were sweet things at the time, i look back on now and realize he was manipulating me, gaslighting me. 
And i feel so stupid. 

I would never stop being grateful for El. When Sam kept texting and calling me, she helped give me the strength to tell him to leave me alone, then we went out and got seriously drunk and I blocked him. 

I can't look back on our relationship without feeling like a total and complete idiot. Everyone always hopes they'll never be put in a situation where they are being used and manipulated. Selfishly we always think we're too smart to be in those situations but that's the thing, it doesn't matter how smart you are, if you take a chance on anyone you are always at risk of being in a relationship that just plain sucks. 

Part of me was very insecure about starting anything with James out of a fear of him being like Sam. Even though I felt to my very core that James was the good kind, I wasn't confident in my ability to judge anyone's character anymore. Not after that. 

And yet, I hadn't had any nightmares last night. In fact, the dreams I had were surprisingly good. Delightful even. I decided today was going to be a good day and the date with James was going to go amazing. I wasn't going to let that asshole haunt me anymore. Starting today, I was a new, free woman.

Sensing that there was no way I was going to be able to go back to sleep I decided to get up and head to the gym for a morning workout to relieve some of my nerves and tension.