If only I knew...

is it over?

Ryan: "now I'm busy, it's like a paradox"
Me: "I guess we shouldn't talk"
Ryan: "no way, can you wait for me?"

Here we go again

Me: "I'll try"
Ryan: "are you going to sleep?"
Me: "no"

I was, I was again trying to do everything I could just to talk to him, I wish I could just do what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do

A couple minutes later he came back, it seems to me that he was trying to lie to be, it seemed like he didn't have something to do

Surprisingly we ended up talking on video chat that night, we had fun, I wish it lasted longer

Ofcourse by the end of our chat I thought he would message me tomorrow...

But Ryan wouldn't be Ryan if he would show some interest on the day after

Ofcourse I was first to message, I was back on track of pushing my worth and ego down and down every time I pressed send

But something felt off, some sort of feeling of doing what was circling in my mind for months was rising

I wanted to stop talking to him, I wanted to finally close this chapter and open a new one, this meant that he must be out of my life right away

The next night I messaged him on Instagram

Me: "hey, I need to tell you something" 2:34 am
Me: "Let's stop talking. At least for a while"
Ryan: "why?"
Me: "I'm pretty f*cked up right now and I need to switch to another person, well, at least try"
Ryan: "It turns out that you are switched to me?"

Was this really your first thought?

Me: "I guess. I want to take a pause"
Ryan: "It's upsetting ofcourse but ok"

Is this all you could say? I'm f*cking saying a goodbye and that's all you could say??

Me: "ok see ya later
          Or maybe not"
Ryan: "message me when you feel better"

F*ck no I'm trying to run away from you

Me: "I'll try"
Ryan: "ok goodbye then, good night"
Me: "you too"

That's it? Was it finally over?

If only I knew when we first met that what this connection will turn into...

If only I knew...