blues and greens (barson)

v.

"Liv," Elliot stood the moment she exited her office, standing despite the fact that it looked like he was mid-sentence with Fin.
"Fin, Rollins, how's the search going?" She pressed.
"I've found a few reviews of the facility on a couple of websites and forums that are... possibly enough to get a warrant?" Rollins offered, though her tone was unsure.
"Joe?"
"I've been digging on social media. Found a few allegations."
"Fin?" She said again.
"I'm supervising these fools," he shrugged.
Liv raised an eyebrow and shook her head, "call Carisi. See if what Rollins and Velasco have is enough for financials and phone records to start."
He nodded.
The sergeant and both detectives were aware that Liv was not technically in charge of this case but all three of them also knew that this was her way of making it seem like she'd been working all day.
"How about coffee?" She looked at Elliot.
He nodded and the two of them headed toward the elevator.
Both of them were quiet until it reached the lobby and they headed out onto the sidewalk.
"You've been avoiding me," Elliot stated.
"Is that a question?" She glanced at him.
"Statement."
"I thought so," she nodded, "no. I haven't been avoiding you exactly."
"You're busy?"
"Officially? No. I've had to recuse myself from this case. Unofficially? Yes, very."
"Why would you recuse yourself?"
"I don't want to risk the case by being involved in the investigation. I know the witness' family."
"The little girl?" He asked as they approached the coffee cart.
"Observant. You should be a detective or something," she smirked slightly before turning to the attendant and placing her order.
Elliot placed his and didn't respond to her sarcastic comment.
Liv paid for both coffees as they walked to a bench a bit down the sidewalk.
"How do you know the little girl?" Elliot asked.
"You're going to get mad, El."
"No I'm not."
"Actually, you are. I know you." He took a sip of his coffee and looked away from her, over the street. He had the arm closer to her across the back of the bench and the cardboard coffee cup in the other hand resting on his knee.
Liv held her coffee with both hands, having pocketed her wallet and phone, she didn't say anything. She was waiting for him to respond.
Being July, perhaps it was too hot for coffee but neither of them complained about the ability to have some caffeine. They both needed it.
"I'll do my best not to get upset," he turned back to her.
She took a sip of her coffee to buy herself a minute, looking over the street before them. Her mind wandered to Rafael as she tried to work out how to approach this. To his smirk. The way his eyes search her face.
"This case," she started, still not looking at Elliot, "this case involves Rafael Barba."
She felt him tense beside her, his arm moved away from resting behind her on the bench.
"That's who avoided me in your office earlier."
It was a statement.
"Yes."
"And you helped hide him."
Another statement.
"El," she started.
"So what is he part of your life again?"
"Elliot."
"You've just forgiven him for what he did to you? To me?"
Olivia hesitated, because the reality of it was... Rafa didn't do anything to her. He betrayed her by taking a case that involved Elliot, represented a man that they were certain killed Kathy. But in all honesty, that shouldn't have involved her. She knew she was bending the rules again, the same way she always did when it came to Elliot. The realization dawned on her like a wave crashing on shore. She was a captain, she was the commanding officer of an entire unit. She couldn't keep playing fast and loose the way Elliot did. Elliot was a detective, if he got in trouble it usually went up the ladder because his command couldn't control him. If Olivia got in trouble... that meant her entire job could be on the line.
"Elliot," she rubbed at her jaw a bit, "he had a job."
"He didn't need to take it."
"No," she conceded, "he didn't. But he did because of me. He did because if he hadn't someone else would've torn me apart on that stand and put my entire job at stake."
"So that he chose to protect you and that meant defending the man who killed my wife and ensuring he didn't go to prison?"
"None of this is an easy situation."
"A case can just pop up and you'll just let anyone back into your life."
Fire sparked in Liv's eyes and she turned to him, "like you?"
He didn't miss a beat, "I needed you."
"After a decade? You needed me? And you knew I'd come running despite the fact that you left me here with nothing? Have you even considered what I went through here? Have you considered the people that had to deal with me after you left? The people who picked up the pieces of me that you threw away?"
His blue eyes grew icy.
"And Barba was one of those people. Doesn't matter that he left you, too."
"He didn't. Not like you did. He told me he was going and he still kept in contact with me. You were just gone. No trace."
Elliot sat up, "if I'd spoken to you, I wouldn't have been able-"
"You wouldn't have been able to leave. You had a wife! You had children!"
"But it was always you, Liv."
"But it wasn't. It shouldn't have been. The fact that you chose me over your wife so many times-"
"It wasn't like that."
"Elliot, you were the right one at the wrong time. You were the person I needed back then. I needed someone who would give their life to protect me, I needed someone who knew my every move. I needed that and in the end you left."
"And I'm not the right one now?" His voice cut like knives.
She looked at the street again, "you never changed. You still have an issue with authority. You still blow up the second something isn't going the way you think it should."
"So do you."
"Only around you. You are the only one I have ever thrown caution to the wind for time and time again."
"I do it for you, too," his voice was softer now, like he thought that this was about to be a grand admission of love.
"I can't do that anymore, Elliot. I'm a Captain. I'm the commanding officer of the unit that I gave my entire life to."
"So that's it?"
"I will always love you, Elliot. There isn't a doubt in my mind that there's a piece of me that always will. But I have a son, I have a family that I have to think about. I can't keep breaking rules and putting myself at risk for you."
"What if I ask you to stay?" He reached for her free hand.
"We're friends. We'll keep being friends, but you need to accept that Barba is part of my life again and likely will remain a very important part of my life. And someday you'll understand."
"Someday I'll understand?" He stopped reaching for her hand, "you can't just brush me off like I'm Noah. Like I couldn't understand now because I'm too young."
"No, I'm not explaining it to you now because I don't need you yelling at me more outside this precinct."
His jaw locked and unlocked in that way that you can see the muscles working.
"Now, I have to get back to work," Liv stood.
"Oh, the case you recused yourself from for him? Because some hot shot hero turned villain defense attorney told you to?"
"No, to the unit that I earned my place in. Call me when you calm down or don't," she didn't wait for a response, she just turned and headed back toward the precinct.
Elliot grabbed her hand and pulled her back around, his hand slipped around her waist and he pulled her close, and then he kissed her.
Olivia's eyes went wide and she kissed back for a brief moment before she pushed him back, "no, Elliot. No."
"Liv."
She moved away from him and pointed at him, "do not do that again."
She turned on her heel and stalked to the coffee cart, getting Rafael a new cup and then into the precinct, she didn't look back a single time.