blues and greens (barson)

xviii.

Carisi sat to Rafael's right and Amanda was on his other side. Stabler and Fin sat across from them.
Carisi had an arm around Rafael's shoulders, it was clear that the defense lawyer needed the support and he didn't mind giving it.
"None of us expected that call to go that way," Fin started, "it was a possible jumper... which is why we didn't have our vests on... the girl, she couldn't have been more than twenty-one, if that. We got there and they told us her name and the situation that they'd been able to piece together. This uni on the scene told us that his chief had specifically requested Liv for this, that if anyone could talk the girl down it was her."
Elliot nodded, he'd seen Liv do just that.
"Liv told me to stay on the ground, she'd radio if she needed me and I didn't argue. I wanted to and I should've but that girl had already been up there for forty-five minutes. I knew if we had any chance we were on a crunch. I knew it was coming down to she was either about to do it or she wouldn't. So I let Liv go and she went with zero hesitation."
"Of course she did," Rafa mumbled.
Carisi gave his shoulders a small squeeze.
Rafael took a small moment to appreciate Carisi. He picked on him a lot, he teased and poked but he had a lot of respect for the man and he has stepped up and become a rock which Rafael certainly needed right now.
"She wasn't even up there five minutes and I could see the girl turn toward us on the ground. She reached in the front pocket of her hoodie and I saw the sun reflect off something and I started running for the building. I could hear the shots while I was in the elevator..."
Rafael squeezed his eyes shut.
Fin gave a small nod, "she fired the whole clip and I got to the roof in time to see the last few shots fly. I had my weapon out because shots were flying but she saw me come out and spread eagle fell backward over the edge. I ran to the edge and looked, she'd hit the pad but it was too far. By that point the pad was just to preserve the body."
Amanda had a hand over her mouth.
"It was like a war zone on the rooftop," Fin continued, "but not a single one of those officers fired, either because they didn't have time or they didn't want to be part of suicide by cop. Seemed her plan was to go out one way or the other. Three officers dead, two injured, and Liv. I was the first to get to her because the remaining two unharmed officers were trying to stop the bleeding on the other two... they were worse off than Liv. Unconscious when I got there. Liv was conscious, she talked to me... if only a few words."
Rafael wanted to ask what she'd said, but he didn't because if she didn't survive, he didn't want to have her final words etched in his head.
Fin looked at Rafa and then looked away from everyone, "there was so much blood, it was hard to find exactly where she'd been hit so I was holding generally where I thought and then started to panic about it and had to adjust which is how I ended up as covered as I did."
"Generally?" Rafa whispered.
Carisi looked at him, almost asking if he was sure he wanted to know.
Rafael nodded.
Fin put a hand on the left side of his ribcage and tapped twice as he continued staring into the distance. He was clearly struggling with the trauma of it all. This was the second time in a year that he'd had to hold one of his squad mates to try to slow bleeding.
There were approaching footsteps, quick steps.
"Fin!" It was Phoebe.
He looked toward her and slid over to make room for her on that side of the bench.
She hugged him, "I brought you a shirt."
He nodded as he just clung to her.
She sat once he let go and reached across the table, giving Rafa's hand that was resting on the surface a slight squeeze.
Elliot rubbed at his face and then looked at Rafael, "that's... not... bad."
Rafael nodded a little, ribcage. Ribcage could be okay. Maybe. There were a lot of possibilities for complications, for things that could be hit. There was a lot that could go wrong.
Carisi squeezed him again, recognizing that he was too in his head. The ADA was trying to make sure he gave a grounding point. He knew trauma responses and panic responses relatively well, he'd become pretty good at recognizing the signs of someone slipping into one of them since he'd become an ADA, needing to in order to help and protect his witnesses and victims on the stand.
"I have to go in," Rafael whispered.
"We'll go with you," Amanda replied, her voice just as quiet.
"Me too," Fin nodded.
Phoebe nodded.
"Only if it's okay with you," Elliot said, referring to his own presence.
Rafael looked at him, "she would want you here, but I'm going to need you to respect any boundaries I put up."
The detective nodded, "I'm only here as long as you're cool with it. I care deeply about Olivia, but your mental state is the one we need to watch here."
Amanda looked at Stabler, recognizing once again that this was more of him letting his own experiences dictate what he did. It was obvious that he knew how he would've felt if someone had shown up that he didn't want near Kathy.
Rafael wasn't putting pieces together the way Amanda was and simply nodded.
The entire group stood and started to move.
Amanda held onto the briefcase again.
"Is that his?" Phoebe asked.
She nodded.
"Do you want to lock it in my car? I'm going to grab the shirt I brought Fin before I come in."
Amanda looked at Rafael, "would that be okay?"
Rafa nodded, "as long as it's locked."
"Of course."
Amanda handed the other woman the briefcase.
Phoebe headed off to do what she'd said.
Carisi kept an arm around Rafael, speaking to him low tones about anything and everything again. Continuing to let his voice be an audible grounding point and his arm a physical one.
They entered the hospital and Rafael clung to Carisi's arm around him. He'd avoided hospitals as much as possible since his trial. The smell of them and the sounds made him feel that panic in his chest again.
Carisi pulled the shorter man into his side, practically shielding him from seeing more than he needed to.
Fin seemed to notice this and placed himself in front of Rafa and Amanda moved to his other side and wrapped her arm around his waist under Sonny's.
They were each doing as much as they could to keep him from having to face where he was, but Rafa was taking deep slow breaths to try and do something to help himself.
"Oh! Sergeant!" A doctor approached as they got to the waiting room Fin had been leading them to.
Phoebe's quick steps caught up and she stood behind them with Elliot.
"Is that her partner?" The doctor looked around Fin.
"It is," he held an arm out to take Rafael from Carisi.
Rafael moved forward.
Fin wrapped an arm around him, which seemed very un-Fin, but this was not a normal time.
"Is it okay to speak in front of these folks?"
Rafael looked back and gave a small nod, leaning heavily against Fin for support.
"Okay, follow me this way, we'll find some privacy," and she turned, leading them down the hall a little ways.
Fin kept hold of Barba, he was practically holding the lawyer up by this point.
Rafael felt like he was in a nightmare. He could hear distant machines beeping and smell cleaning solutions.
The doctor took a breath, rubbing her hand on her thigh, "I'm Dr. Zadkiel. I'm the surgeon who worked on Miss Benson."
"This is Rafael Barba, her partner," Fin introduced.
Everyone took a moment to introduce themselves.
"I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other a bit over the next few days. I tend to keep up with my patients quite closely."
"So she's alive," Elliot stated simply.
"I didn't lead with that like I should've," the doctor sighed and rubbed at her head, "sorry. Yes, she's alive."
It was evident that this doctor doesn't typically speak to a lot of people at once and she was nervous to be doing so.
"She's got a Hell of a recovery ahead of her, but she is alive. There were actually two bullets, one seemed to be a ricochet since it was only a partial lodged in her thigh. Much less damage from that one, but still worth noting. She also has a slight concussion, likely she hit her head on the ground when she fell back."
There were some nods.
"The other fractured a rib-"
Rafael stopped listening, he couldn't hear anymore, it was making him nauseated again. He leaned heavier against Fin, knowing he didn't need to listen because there were five other people hearing it.
The doctor nodded in response to something one of them said and she gave a small smile before reaching in the pocket of her coat. She pulled out a pack of mint gum and held it toward Rafael.
He looked up at her.
"The mint helps calm your stomach, but I've found that the right mints can also help to focus when you're anxious," she explained.
He took a piece from the little pack.
She smiled at him.
He unwrapped it and put the piece in his mouth, chewing slowly and breathing deeply.
"Sergeant Tutuola warned me that Olivia would probably have a large crew coming and going so I got her put up in a private room with a bit more space. I hope it'll be enough. She's still asleep but I'll lead you there now," she turned and started leading them.
They got to the room and Rafael told everyone else they should go in first. Especially Phoebe and Amanda since one had to get back to work and the other was going to get her girls and go to his apartment to help with his kids so he could be here.
Fin slipped into the bathroom to change.
Carisi and Stabler stayed in the hallway with Barba.
"I should head back to the office after I peek in," Elliot said, "but I'll come back later and can bring dinner so you don't have to eat hospital food?"
Carisi looked at Barba.
"That would be generous of you," Rafael said softly.
"Anything in particular?" Elliot asked.
Rafael shook his head, "anything will be fine."
Carisi took out a notepad and pen from his inner pocket and wrote on it, tore the note off and handed it to Stabler.
With a nod as he looked over it, Stabler slipped it in his pocket.
Amanda and Phoebe came out and after hugging their significant others and Barba, they were headed out.
Elliot ducked in next.
"I'm not sure I can do this," Rafael whispered once it was only he and Carisi in the hall.
"I'm sure you can," Carisi said simply.
"How?"
"Because when you love someone, you can find strength in that love," Carisi shrugged, "what if roles were reversed? What if you were the one in a hospital bed and you woke up and she wasn't there?"
"Circumstances?"
"She just didn't think she could handle it."
"It would hurt but I would respect her decision to protect herself."
"But it would hurt," Carisi repeated.
"A lot."
"She's gone through enough in life alone. Don't make her do this alone, too, Rafael."
That was the statement that flipped the switch in him. Carisi was right, Rafael had promised to stick by her, he'd promised to be there for her, and he was going to do that. He was going to do whatever she needed.
Fin and Elliot came out of the room.
Stabler held a hand to Barba.
Barba shook his hand.
"I'll be back in a few hours," Stabler said and he departed.
"I'm gonna head back to the office. They're probably gonna take me out for some trauma thing in the next few days, but I wanna make sure everything's in order for whoever they send to fill in until Liv or I are allowed back. I'll gather Liv's purse and things and get them to you," Fin explained and then he hugged Barba, "you can do this."
Rafael watched the sergeant disappear down the hall and then started to chase after him, "Fin wait!"
He turned and looked back, "what is it?"
Barba stood in front of him, frozen, the question stuck in his mouth.
Fin grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye intensely, "you want to know what she said?"
Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, nodding a bit.
"You sure you want that rattling around in your head?" Fin pressed.
He shook his head and looked at Fin, breathing, "no, but I need to know."
"She said your name. She said 'Rafa, before media. Love him, kids.' It was soft, especially over the wind up there. Like she was worried she wouldn't make it and wanted to make sure if she didn't I'd be able to remind you and the kids how much she loved you," Fin told him.
His jaw worked the way it did when he was trying not to get emotional.
"That woman in there was shot and her thoughts were solely on you and those kids. She loves you and she needs you right now, Barba."
His lip quivered slightly but he nodded slightly.
"Go be with her, talk to her, stay with her."
Another nod.
"Go."
He turned and walked back toward Carisi, toward her room. He felt like he'd disconnected from his body and was running on autopilot. He stopped before he got to the door, he didn't want to see her yet. He was so nervous.
"You want me to go first? Tell you how she looks so you can prepare or do you want to go together?"
Rafael swallowed hard, considering the two options. He didn't know what he wanted. He was overwhelmed and exhausted and just wished he'd asked Liv to call in sick and stay home in bed with him today.
"Rafael?"
"Together," the word was barely a breath.
Carisi positioned himself behind Rafael, he didn't mention it, but he wanted to be able to catch him if he started to collapse again.
With a deep breath, Rafa moved toward the door, he was trying hard not to let his brain get in the way, not to let his fears make things worse. He moved to the door.
She looked small on the hospital bed, attached to the machines. She was pale and there were dark bags under her eyes. Her chest was rising and falling but her eyes were closed. The doctor had said she was resting, but part of Rafael had convinced himself that if she was awake when he walked in, it would all be okay.
He stopped walking halfway to the bed. He could feel Carisi close behind him, his chest felt tight and he started crying again immediately. He'd been so emotionally exhausted and anxious before that they had tapered off at some point, but they came back with absolute force.
"It's okay, Rafael," Carisi said softly, "she's sleeping still from the surgery. She's okay."
Rafa nodded just a little, one slight bob of his head. He turned around and hid his face in Carisi's chest.
The taller man hugged him, curling forward to envelope him, chin resting on his head.
Any other day, Rafael would've snapped if Carisi tried to touch him, messed up his hair like this, but today? Today he was letting this man hold him together. Today he understood that he needed this gentle kindness, this friendship.
Carisi was glad Barba hadn't looked at his face, he was crying too. The woman in the bed had become so important to him, first his boss, then his mentor, then his friend. If he was asked what held this crew together, a few years ago he probably would've said the job... but now? Now he was certain that it was Olivia Benson. She held everyone together.
"Fuck," it was muffled and quiet against Carisi's chest, "fuck."
The ADA rubbed his predecessor's back, gently.
"Why're you being this nice?" Rafa whispered, "I've been such a dick to you."
"Consider it mutually beneficial," Carisi mumbled.
Rafael pulled back and looked up at the man, "how do you mean?"
"Oh, I'm totally using helping you to distract myself," Carisi smiled.
Rafael scoffed, he knew the admission was serious but he found it amusing. He knew there was more to it but he wasn't going to push it, just letting his head fall back forward against the taller man.
Carisi rubbed at his back again.
"I know I need to be strong for her... but I don't know how to handle this, Dominick. I really don't."
"And that's okay. You don't have to be strong for her, you just have to be here for her. She's strong enough for all of us combined. And you don't have to do this alone, you've got all of us. We're your friends."
Rafael shook his head, "not really."
"What?"
"You're not our friends, you're our family. You're Liv's family, she picked you all."
Carisi's grip on him became tighter, "I know."
Rafa could feel the tears dripping into his hair from Carisi crying but he didn't comment because he was crying to.
They stood like that, hugging, a few steps from her bed for a long time.
When Rafael finally pulled away, it was because he felt like he'd run out of tears again. He was exhausted, the day had gone so wrong so fast.
Carisi led him to the chair beside Liv's bed and lowered him into it before going to grab a chair from the corner.
They sat there in silence together for a long period, neither of them moving much or saying much.
A loud crack of thunder startled them from their silences, both of them jumping nearly a foot.
Rafael put a hand to his chest, trying to calm down.
Carisi chuckled and reached over taking the man's hand and giving a small squeeze, "that'll get your heart pumping."
Rafa looked at him with a weak smile, "Jesus, that was loud."
"It was. We were due for storms this evening, maybe they'll break this damn humidity."
"Hopefully," it was ragged and raspy as it came from Olivia.
Rafael's head whipped to look at her.
She hadn't opened her eyes yet, "water?"
Carisi looked around, "I'll find a nurse," he stalked out of the room, his long legs carrying him quickly.
"Raf?" Her eyes opened and she squinted against the light.
"Hang on, darling," he got up and went to the light switches, adjusting them to lower the light in the room and rushed back to her side.
"Thank you," she reached a hand to him.
He took her hand in both of his, tears slipping down his face again.
"The girl?" She asked, "did she live?"
His heart broke, she'd gotten shot and she was still worried about the girl who did it. He shook his head.
Her eyes squeezed shut, "shit. Was it by cop?"
"No, Liv, it wasn't."
"What happened?"
"I don't know if you want that in your head," he whispered, sitting next to her, "right now, anyway."
"Please," she finally looked directly at him.
Her heart monitor picked up as she looked at him, the beeping picking up pace just a bit. Her face softened and she let go of his hand, reaching toward his face.
Leaning forward, he rested his cheek against her hand, placing his hand on hers. More tears started falling as he cried harder again, despite having thought he'd been completely dried out.
"Your case," she whispered.
"Fin had to call the courthouse. There was a family emergency adjournment for now."
"Family," she breathed out.
He nodded slightly.
"Did you know you're beautiful?" She whispered.
He laughed despite himself, "you scared the shit outta me, Liv."
"I'm okay."
He shook his head, more tears falling, "you will be."
"I am okay. You're here."
Carisi returned with a nurse.
They got Liv some water and asked her some questions about her pain levels and how she was feeling.
Rafael pulled his phone out and texted Lucy.