blues and greens (barson)

xxx.

Liv spent a lot of time with Elliot over the next few weeks, he had a few broken ribs, a broken arm, and some bad internal bruising, but he was recovering well.
Thanksgiving arrived quickly and there was a huge dinner hosted at the Barba-Benson apartment with all of their friends and family.
Carisi, Amanda, and the girls arrived at 9am and Lucia Barba fifteen minutes later.
Carisi, Lucia, and Rafael were the cooks for the day and they were starting very early to ensure everything would be made.
Amanda and Lucy, upon her arrival, were keeping the children occupied. Lucy usually went home to her mother's in Jersey for holidays like this but with Covid still lingering she was afraid of bringing it home to the aging woman and was very grateful for the invitation to join in the fun with her second family.
Fin and Phoebe came next and Ken, Alejandro, and Jaden would join them for dinner after lunch with Alejandro's family, who had grown to accept the little family. Fin had volunteered to bring drinks and brought several kinds of juice and punch for the kids as well as far more wine than was necessary.
It was an all day affair, there were kids popping up to sneak little bits of the food or Rafael appearing to ask Olivia to taste something as she sort of just hovered between the different groups.
There were extra folding tables and chairs brought in so they could all sit together and when it was finally time for dinner, a few adults were already a bit further into drinks than they probably should've been.
Carisi led grace, thanking God for the meal and for the folks around the table, for the safety and health of everyone there in the past year and in the year to come.
Lucia and Ken's family were the only ones who made it out the door that night.
After eating almost all of the children crashed, Billie and Jesse in Aspen's room with her and Carisi helped Rafael carry the twins to bed.
Amanda and Carisi fell asleep on the couch the kids normally sat on to play video games as they were quietly arguing over Minecraft.
Phoebe fell asleep on the couch in the living room watching a recording of the Macy's Day Parade.
When it was only Fin, Rafa, and Liv left awake, they sat around the dining table.
"Thanks for having us," Fin smiled as he took another sip of wine.
"Of course," Rafael smiled back a bit drunkenly.
Olivia was less intoxicated than the other two but had had a few drinks herself.
"You know you're not too bad, Barba."
Liv snorted.
"Thanks," he looked a bit amused.
"Well, I always liked you but you hurt Liv and I don't really take kindly to folks that hurt her too much and so I was pretty pissed there for a while," Fin continued, "but you really did do it just to protect her."
Rafael looked stone-cold sober for a moment, "I don't know if I would go back and change the decision to represent Wheatley, because I was trying to protect her... from being... on trial herself because any other defense attorney would've brought up much more than her history with Stabler. It woulda been the stuff with William Lewis and it woulda been even deeper on the 1PP list of charges."
Liv seemed shocked for a split second but she knew he was right, she knew that if he hadn't taken that case the perjury issue would've come up, the number of times she'd let Elliot get away with things, the time she... she honestly could go on and on with the number of things a different defense lawyer could've pulled from the woodwork to get her into trouble and Rafael was genuinely kind with the few things he had brought forth, calling her relationship with Elliot into question.
Fin considered that sentiment, "you're right, and not just with her. Any one of us has made decisions that a defense lawyer could weaponize if they really wanted, so I suppose I was hard on you. So, I apologize for being as angry as I was with you."
"You don't have to apologize for being angry with me, Fin. I understand what it must've looked like and maybe things would've gone differently had I come and explained before I took the case or if I'd gotten here before Stabler said I'd taken the case and could've explained myself instead of the way it looked. I think it was another case of expecting everyone I cared about to know me well enough to know what I was thinking and I should've just spoken up instead of expecting people to read my mind."
"You're getting better about that," Liv reassured him quietly.
"I've been making an effort to be better about it. I know that for years I've been building walls and hiding behind the cocky, confidence that I formed early in my career. I'm trying to make sure I express my feelings and needs more clearly," he took another long sip of his wine and his tongue peeked out to lick droplets from his lips before he continued to speak, "I appreciate your apology, though. I know I just immediately brushed it away, but I want to make sure you know how much I do appreciate it and how much I appreciate your friendship and how protective you are of Liv. I feel much more secure knowing that she goes to work every day with you."
Fin's face grew serious for a moment, "even after-"
Liv turned to him, "not this again, it wasn't your fault, Fin."
"What?" Rafael looked between the two of them.
"Fin blames himself for me getting shot in July, says he should've gone instead."
"Which could have gotten you shot," Rafa shook his head, "no, you can't blame yourself. No one expected that to go that way and hearing what happened, I wouldn't have either. I'm still surprised the DAs office was giving such a hard time and I'm glad that guy ended up in prison."
"The eighth floor has gotten more involved since you left," Fin commented, "they're nosy and even more demanding than you and they agree with Chief McGrath that we need to only take cases that are more likely to be won."
"So the victims aren't the priority," Rafa shook his head, "numbers are."
"They think we've had too much negative press in the last few years and getting cases we can win will be better press," Fin shook his head.
"Until a victim that they let down goes to the press and creates a media circus about how their case isn't being taken seriously because it isn't easy," Rafael gripped his glass tighter and drained it, then reached for the bottle to get more.
"I keep telling them that SVU fights for every victim, not just perfect victims. Perfect victims rarely exist," Liv explained, "we cannot help some and let others go unheard, it isn't what SVU does. It's literally special victims unit, we are here for the victims who need to be heard. By deciding to only hear out perfect victims they're making it hard to be heard which makes it hard to speak out and victims have a hard enough time speaking out to begin with we don't need to make it even harder."
Rafa rubbed at his brow, his nose wrinkled, and he ground his teeth a bit, "this isn't the way it's supposed to be. It's like they're sending us back fifty years. They're undoing all of the progress we made and-"
Olivia reached over and rested a hand on his arm, "I have been fighting tooth and nail to be heard and get their voices heard."
Rafael nodded and sipped from his fresh glass before turning to her, "wait..."
She hummed in acknowledgement.
"You didn't get far enough in an investigation to really get anything started for Delia's case. Carisi was just working on charging him for OoP until you could get enough to make sure he couldn't get out again, right?"
Liv nodded.
Fin had been listening as he sipped at the glass of wine he had, "they would've told us to plead him down."
She glanced toward him and nodded again, "he would've gotten another slap on the wrist and released despite repeated offenses."
Rafael looked like he could snap, "so in reality what happened was the best way it could've turned out for her."
Olivia's brow furrowed, there was irritation and anger written across her features as her mouth pressed into a line.
"Which is why we were lookin' so hard for a defense attorney who'd take her case," Fin added.
Rafael rubbed at his jaw, he was still a bit hurt that it'd been Rollins who asked for the favor, but he knew Liv had remained upset with him until the day Aspen showed up. He also thought her anger was fair, the lack of communication and the bottled up emotions they'd both been hiding... made everything more complicated.
"I think I'm ready to go lay down," Fin said as he finished off his drink.
Both Liv and Rafa nodded, but Rafa had a distant... thinking look on his face when he did.
The three of them headed up the stairs, Liv paused to make sure everyone was covered up and had blankets.
Rafael went wordlessly to the master suite and started getting ready for bed.
When Olivia got to the bedroom she stood in the doorway to the closet where he was getting changed and looked at him, "you got very quiet... penny for your thoughts."
"Remember how I said no matter what I do I'm handing over pieces of myself that I'll never get back?" He didn't hesitate or turn toward her.
Liv leaned against the doorjamb, she knew his brain was workin hard here because he'd gotten so quiet.
"I have two different thoughts," he stated as he tossed her a t-shirt to put on for bed, "the first is I want to work more cases like Delia, I want to help the victims that the system fails whether it be because they're small DV cases or OoP violations or whatever. I want to be the voice for those folks. I want to try to catch the fights earlier and help sooner so it doesn't come down to what her case did."
Olivia listened, she heard what he was saying and her wine laced thoughts were struggling to peace together what he was trying to say.
"The second thought-"
"Hold on," she rubbed at her face, "can you... explain the first one... in a simpler way? I'm kinda drunk."
He smiled at her, "I think I want to represent victims like Delia more or try to catch their cases before they get as bad as hers."
"Advocate for victims who become the perp to save themselves and help the victims who feel powerless because the system is failing them so they don't have to become the perp?"
He nodded, "prevent true self-defense cases from ending in prison time because no DV or assault victim should end up in prison for fighting back because of the system failing. Had Delia's dumpster fire of a husband gone to prison one of the other several times he'd been arrested, none of that would've had to happen. They tried to use her 'I just wanted to be free' statement as evidence that it was premeditated and not self defense but I think it just showed how deeply broken and imprisoned she felt and I want to try to help stop other victims from feeling as though they have no other way out."
Olivia nodded in understanding.
"The second thought," he stated.
"Go on."
"It sort of stems from the first one," he tilted his head back and forth as if trying to rattle the words to explain loose, "I want to give this fight a new face and voice. If I was still a prosecutor I'd be kicking and screaming against the new shit you're telling me that they're doing. Instead, since I'm not, I'm going to raise my voice and I'm going to make them see the error of their ways."
Olivia looked intrigued but worried.
"Think about it, Liv," he stood and walked toward her, taking her shoulders carefully in his hands, "the Captain of the Special Victims Unit and a prosecutor turned Defense Attorney fighting against the system to get real justice for the victims."
"I think it all sounds wonderful, Rafa," she nodded, "I do, but I think you should sober up and put more thought into this. I think they're all amazing thoughts, I just worry that being as drunk as you are you're making this all seem easier than it is."
He nodded, "I know... and I know that it wouldn't be easy but I'm thinking about it."
Olivia smiled and took his face between her hands, rubbing her thumb softly along his cheek, "I support you and I believe that you would be the most wonderful person. You are passionate and you're well-spoken and you have been an advocate for the victims before. I think you'd be an amazing advocate, I don't want you to think that I don't believe in you or your pursuits. I just know we've both had a lot to drink tonight and I want to make sure you have time to think this through before you make any big decisions."
He nodded and leaned into her touch, his eyes fell closed and his hands came up to rest on hers on his face. He realized then just how drunk he was because he hadn't been able to focus on anything she said since she rested her hands on his face.
"Let's go lay down, my love," she said softly, "we can talk about this more."